Im pretty jealous that I dont have poetic talent like other bloggers out there. I think the stuff. I love the stuff. I am too lazy to write like that. Even though everytime I write a blog I wish it sounded more interesting. Hanna Miet has inspired me. Im going to try agian. Tomorrow. Lids are closing and I have a date with my shower at 9am.

Just read through all of my old journals and it looks like Im a depressed retarded young lady!

Oh well I'm happy right now so whatever.

Done school, woot woot!
B- in Abnormal Psych I fucking rocked the Final, gooooo me

C in Fundamentals of Business, not bad to BSing my way through that course

anddd who knows what I got in Social Psych but I dont feel bad or good about it. Hopefully I get a B but it all depends on my term project and my final but I feel pretty good about my final

Courses for next semester:
Philosophy - Critical thinking

Psychology - Hstory of Modern Psychology 9Ive already started reading my textbook and I just finished my exams yesterday (and yes I'm actually that excited)

English - Studies in Drama. Not ridiculously stoked for this course but I think I'll give it a try I might get into it.


I already said I love you to Nick. Did it right after he puked in the bushes of our friend Scotts house after a Moustaches and Miniskirts party in the middle of chilly November. I meant it when i said it. Lately I'm not so sure, mostly because my head is fucked and its all in my brain that we aren't getting along. I just need to be more happy go lucky kinda girl. But I also need a bit more affection tooooo. I'm going to tell him before I leave for Winnipeg on Sunday that I'm sorry for being a stresscase and probably not the best girlfriend and that I hope he isn't too Fed up with me.

A quote I read from my planner from last year
"The past is a very important part of ones life but one must sometimes let it go in order to move on with one's future."

Check out this poem I wrote in May, 7th, 2007.

exactly as its written in my journal

Untitled.


she slips down her dark hallway
and out the door to the cold and
dark blanket that is her life
the one moment she owns as she
sits alone in the dark
inhaling the death that is her life
as it whithers away to cling to her
lungs and slowly strangle her
she wishes...
she wants to escape and fly
but she is bound to the life she has
created and pretends to live
it could change she could change
but it wont, she wont make it happen
shes too tired. maybe tomorrow she hopes.
they all think shes fine, pushing through it,
but shes not. she needs a
C H A N G E

shiny birthdays

for Ni's bday im going to steal him the streetsign with his last name on it and im going to buy him a mini fridge for his lil basement and fill it with nibs cause its his favorite candy, maybe buy some sexy chocolate paint and whipped cream, fill it up with goodies, wear sexy outfit, make him a card with a heart of nibs of it and something funn and quirky and true on the inside. maybe i could get him a magic bullet too. and a book with tattoo stuff in it that he likes. and then last of all. im going to stand on his bed and tell him to close his eyes because i have one last gift for him and he will close his eyes and smile and make a dumb joke. and then i'll hesitate because im scared and i want to say it right. and then ill say i love you and kiss him. happy birthday and newyear!! i dont even want him to say it back, because thats not what its about. i just want to let him know.

for his fam ill get ollie a doggy bone and lorie some expresso stuff and some chocolate and baileys and make it all cutesy

because i really think i love him. no doubt about it.

Puddles

Puddles

greedy divots
littles lakes of havoc
tiny feet
erupt dissatisfaction
emmiting joy
innocence always wins

Doc

Went to the doctor.. he prescribed me to a celebmed. not going to say which because im still scared people that i know see this.. but i have yet to notice anything, allthough that is expected he says it could take a few weeks. blah

also i have S thoughts everyday. I think a therapist may be good for me

also since i went to the doc i have pretty much just given up on everything that i, stressed out about. my midterm. the apt. my relationships. i just dont care. dont really think thats a good thing though.

gamble everything for love has got to be one of my favorite songs ever ever. its by ben lee

Scared

I'm so scared right now..

Something is really happening to me and I dont understand it at all. I'm just hit with scaredness/aloneness/idontevenfuckingknow. I get scared and short of breath and full of anxiety and I just cry. I feel like everyone thinks im weird and that I dont fit in with normal conversations. no one gets it, K is really trying she cares, but my other friends aren't around or asking me how im doing. H seems mad at me which i think is really getting to me. i try so hard to make everyone like me and it doesnt seem to be working. sometimes i have these thoughts that i dont know how to organize... its like my body is not my own or like i dont have control over what im doing/ my life? i just cant do it. i dont feel like myself. i convince myself that Ni doesnt care, that he has better things to do, that he thinks im annoying or in the way. thats how i feel today. and just a few days agoi was writing in my journal about how i think im falling in love with him. then i shouldnt have thoughts like i am today. i wish it was all just easier. normal people dont think like this and i wish i was just normal and i just didnt have to care about any of this. im just so alone and i dont know what to do. i want to just stay alone all day and hide from everyone because really the only time i feel really good is when im lying with ni and falling asleep. i feel safe and i dont have to talk or explain or do anything. and its not right to just tell anyone about my thoughts. i dont want to make them feel like they have to care. and they will just think im weird or crazy anyway. its just so scary im actually so scared ahhhhhhh. why the fuck am i crying right now!! stop it! i didnt do anything stressfultoday. at all. i wrote a midterm that i was prepared for and did fine. then i went shopping and got stuff that made me feel good. a curling iron. face lotion and soap. clothes. im thinking its just like theres no point at all anymore. and its so retarded because i just wrote that everything i was doing was the point of life the other day. i dont understand why my thoughts are so scattered. im going to go to sleep.