Hello.

Long time no talk.

So I am still unhappy, however, I figured out why and am fixing it more and more with every day.

Much diff from a few months back.

I moved downtown with the Ging and Jack and for three months we partied and lived and were messy as fuck and I got in the biggest fight of my life with Ging. This fight made me realize more than I ever thought was possible. This fight helped answer a lot of questions I haven't had answers to for a few years. Such as why do I depend on someone so much when they make me feel shitty more than they make me happy? The fight also taught me how to be an individual. Feel bad for me, call me young and stupid, ignorant, whatever. But I didn't make a decision unless I talked to Ging about it. I did this because me and my stupid personality cared SO much about her, that I cared so much, that I needed to not ask, but talk to her about it because I valued her opinion more than my own. That does'nt work when one is making decisions for their own life.

Anywhoo.

Now I am moving out and back to my moms place. But my mom moves to Winnipeg on Saturday. Yah Saturday. This is effecting me way more than I thought it would. I am really sad about that. Mostly because we are so much closer than we were. And also that it is more of a reminder that now the only parent in my vicinity is incapaple of being human. Bastard.

But this is exciting news that I'm moving!! I don't need to live with two dirty girls anymore. I love you ladies but seriously, get rid of your beer cans and slurpee cups that are a month old in out living room. SERIOUSLY drive me up the wall. I cant wait to be organized. I cant wait to live on my own. I cant wait to be me without her.

I'mm moving in with Stace's boyfried Nick. This can be confusing because my boyfriends name is Nick too. Say whaaaaaat I have a boyfriend!? Sweet.

Not that anyone reads my blog except for a few followers of whom I appreciate so much, but back in February on my birthday, I may of had a sleepover with an old fling of mine from 06. I may have made note in my blog about it and sounded like a huge slut for having a "one night stand" But we ended up going on some dates and hanging out and getting to know eachother. Maybe I'll waste time in another post, but for now, in the present, I am happy with where we are, I think we are really started to realllllllly care for eachothers beings. The comfort level is there. I love when he has to work and he goes to kiss me goodbye and he doesn't want to leave. I am started to really be my trueself to him, letting him accept me for all my quirks and oddness and apparently what he thinks is "cute". I like talking to him, just being with him, lying with him, hugging him, cuddling him, eating places with him.. We have a long ass way to go, but as I get to know him, I get to learn what a real relationship is. One that can be built on, one where you really appreciate and respect eachother, one that I mean absolutely no harm too, one that is just so adorable so much of the time. And he really does like me too, for me.

Anyway, I kinda like him. in my wayyyyyyy back posts he is knows as mr. red hot. haha... what a guy.


I also am a cheerleader/dancer for a very large corporation!.. It's amazing and I might get to go away to support my team!.. I really like being part of a team, plus now that I'm back into dancing myself and K are going to tryout to dance on cruise ship ands travel the mediterranean.

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However enough of this filler updating.

in my current apartment i have a patio where i can sit, smoke, and listen to the beautiful trees lean from side to side in the wind while their leaves make sense of my thoughts and then whisper them back to me.

i think that sarcasm is a verrrrrrrry interesting subject. I dont like it. sarcastic people mean alot of what they say. and everything they you say is usually mean. people need to spend more time showing people they care about that they actually care instead of putting them down and the regreting it later.

i am still sad, euyore, sleepy sad. where my eyes just dont want to open as wide, where when i am walking to the bus and no one is looking at me i can feel my face in its full being, frowning. where everyday i really do wish i could sleep all day and not go to my 1 of 3 jobs. where when my phone dies im tempted to leave it off so that i dont have to talk to anyone. tears flow easily but more unexpectedly, i am weak, but i have recognized it, and i will try to fill my life with more things that really do make me happy.

i make decisions for myself now and i call people out when they say shit. i am honest. and more myself then i ever have been.

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i feel like i just stood on top of a telephone booth shouting at the top of my lungs, grabbing all the dust and static in the air, pulling it in, and stuffing it into the booth where its all stuck trying to make sense of a string of thoughts that has been cut into a million pieces. just pick up the phone and it will all be heard on the other side.

Interesting

I have been very absent from this blog and have gone from checking in daily to not even going onto the computer. It is sad to say I may have dropped back into depression. I'm really working hard to get out but the familiar feelings are returning in such a powerful and familiar maner. manor? manner? The worst part is that in the past I knew why I was so unhappy. Now, I have no clue why these feelings are returning and that thought really scares me because 1, I dont know how to get out, and 2, I dont feel as if I have any control.

Boo.

Maybe I'll just start writing more.

Sorry for the morbidness I wish it wasn't

shameful behaviour

It took me almost two packs of menthal to figure out how to actually inhale properly ( I know how to inhale but bot as good as I do now) SHAME ON ME!

Good thing I vowed not to buy another pack for 3 months! And by that time I will of nicked the habit right in the butt!

No pun intended.

Good thing I realized I only like smoking because it gives me time to myself to reflect and just be alone, outside, at night; my favorite place. Bad thing I need to choose such a murdering activity to do so.



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the Canucks are up 2 to 1 in the 3rd and we're looking pretty unstoppable! GO CANUCKS GO!

focus

i figured out why i prefer photographs to real life/digital pics
cause only one thing is in focus in real life when you look at it.

and then in digital cameras everything is in focus. this is not what we see with our eyes so that is why it is not personal or the same as real life. this is why i prefer pics like the above much closer to what we see with our own soulspots.

this post is far too rushed but i needed to get the idea out and it is 5:10 in the morning eek!

Counseller? Spelling?

I am going to seek out a counseller at my school tomorrow and I need to sort out my thoughts becuase I only get three sessions before they decide if I further need more help. And I can't afford to talk to a real one AND I don't know if I really need help in the first place. I feel like some problems are stopping me from continuing to evolve as a person. I think?

-I have unsettled issues with my dad. I really do feel hate towards him and I know that it is justified but it is so strong. I dont want to confront him but feel that I should. About him never needed to talk to his kids. His new life. His selfishness. No good memories of him at all growing up, or maybe the negative ones are just overpowering them. No respect for him, possibly steming from the time he threw me only my bed and hurt me that time that he told me to leave the house if I didn't want to follow his rules and then I agreed and decided to leave

-Mom constantly letting me down. Never following through on plans. Taking her problems out on me. Saying mean things to me. Using me.

-I don't think I can rely on anyone. K has way to many issues and I normally would but the focus should be on her when me talk. Ginger, the closest one of anyone, she does understand a lot and listens to me anytime I need to talk. But of course she cannot relate to these issues and sometims is vacant even though she tries to understand. Obviosuly not my parents. Only myself and my thoughts in a spiraling circle

-lesbionic thoughts? not sure? The whole event at KC. How I am attracted to G but at the same time I am not. I think it may just be that I care So much about her but I keep noticing these little things and I'm not even trying to. I think it's just my brain fucking wiht me. But why did I do that? It's just so weird and I dont know how to deal.

-Rape. Was it rape? Why do I want sex, but when it happens there is a void. I want it to be over. I think I am doing something wrong. I want to satisfy the other person much more than myself. Sometimes I want to myself. I wish I could be like Ging and just want ot experiment and explore and try new things but it is scary and I cant change that . Will it ever change?

-What the F to do with my life I am going nowhere, but I am going somewhere just not really exactly where I want to be

There is something else that the hell is it?

On one hand I think I am just another young adult that has issues just liek everyone else. Are mine more severe? Can't I just figure all of this out on my own? Am I being selfish and narcissistic to think that I need to go for help cause I'm special or something?

MaMa Moo`s Prompt - Normal is...

Normal is Normal.
Is normal the average waist size? Are you un-normal if your bigger or smaller than the average? If you want to look at it statistically then normal would be the average wouldn't it? Good thing the world doesnt work that way.

Normal is you.

Normal is how YOU deal with your daily struggles, your traumatic experiences, your friendships and family.. Normal is your life because everyone's life is different so how could we possibly settle on the norm. I've thought the word normal so many times in my head that it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. Is it normal that a someone has the capacity to kill numerous people? It isn't to me but it's just another day in the life of a psychopath serial killer.

The issue with the norm is that it's a constant flucuation, and it will never rest in one spot. It will always be just out of your grasp. Once you accept yourself AS yourself and everything you are, you will realize your normal. And once you have this, the world is yours. You can never be everyones norm, so always create your own and go from there.

One last thing. Never be Normal, Be Exceptional.

elahni elahxe

I suck you in


You suck me in


I steal your life


I come in many shapes in sizes


I will cost you thousands


You hate me


You need me


I solve you`re problems


And give you bigger ones


You wish you never met me


I infect you


I am slow motion suicide


Please put me out