"I'm glad I decided to wear this sweater today rather than my coat. If I wore my coat I would be way too hot. This sweater is perfect for today.."
Sweater is biege.. closer to dark brown because of all the dirt smeared onto it. Holes all over his pants and withered shoes.
Imagine if you one had the choice between wearing one sweater and one coat everyday.
How lucky we are and how unfortunate are others.
---
I walked by a man on W4th and he had a small clump of tissues and one water bottle.
To take a shower and bath himself.
Imagine if you didnt ever have access to a bathroom.
---
Literally makes me want to cry
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Fit
Interesting Fact:
If you are walking up a hill the best way to do it is to walk in a zig zagged line. It puts less strain on your knees and you can make larger strides. Try it out one day.
#2:
Those statues of soldier on horses. You know if they died in battle if the horse is back on its hind legs. I one leg is raised I think it means they died of natural causes. There are multiple meanings, but look it up isnt that so cool! Hoe many people see those statues and don't even think about it.
How many people do.
If you are walking up a hill the best way to do it is to walk in a zig zagged line. It puts less strain on your knees and you can make larger strides. Try it out one day.
#2:
Those statues of soldier on horses. You know if they died in battle if the horse is back on its hind legs. I one leg is raised I think it means they died of natural causes. There are multiple meanings, but look it up isnt that so cool! Hoe many people see those statues and don't even think about it.
How many people do.
Night
The sound of Debeck is different than 13th and Hemlock.
I don't hear the rustle of the trees, the sirens, the shuffles of drunk trendy people on their was home. The people next door fighting or people on their patios. My roommates having sex or the creeks of the apartment.
I hear silent noise. Trucks on their way to the highway entrance. Every so often the skytrain rushing past. An apple dropping into my neighbours yard. My other neighbours cat rushing across the street. Even so, my other neighbour practicing his heavy metal music.
I don't know if I like it but one things for sure, I am home.
I don't hear the rustle of the trees, the sirens, the shuffles of drunk trendy people on their was home. The people next door fighting or people on their patios. My roommates having sex or the creeks of the apartment.
I hear silent noise. Trucks on their way to the highway entrance. Every so often the skytrain rushing past. An apple dropping into my neighbours yard. My other neighbours cat rushing across the street. Even so, my other neighbour practicing his heavy metal music.
I don't know if I like it but one things for sure, I am home.
Let me tell you a story
Back when I was in highschool.. Oh i dunno, about sixteen or seventeen I was having one of those extended bad weeks. I was fighting with my mom.. School sucked.. Fed up with my friends.. All the typical stuff that makes a teenager frusterated and sad, but none the less it is all still a problem and stressful for a girl.
Immediately after yelling back and forth with my mom and hiding in my room I decided I couldn't take it anymore and I snuck out the door. And down the flight of stairs to sit at the bottom and smoke the cigarette I stole from my mom.
I sat there. Silent and still in appearence, but buzzing and screaming and thinking a thousand things at once. Mostly helpnessness, feelings of out of control.. Basically exceptional frustration. These nights where I became overwhelmed usually frequented every few months. And every few months I would sneak out and sit still on those steps.
For some reason that night I stood up. And I walked the thirty steps out to my street and I turned and looked down my street to the busyness and the river and all the lights of the peoples homes I would never know and I let out a huge sigh. And then, for no reason at all I tilted my head back to look at the stars. The moment I looked up a huge star shot across the sky and then dissapeared. Just like that. a shooting star in the middle of the night when there was no mention of a meteor shower or anyting. I wouldn't of seen it if I was a second late or early. I wouldn't of seen it if I hadn't tilted my head back. I wouldn't of seen it if I didn't randomly walk out to my street. But I was supposed to see that star.
And that my friends is why life is beautiful. Why I don't give up. And why I believe everything happens for a reason.
Also why I love stars and have a tattoo.
Immediately after yelling back and forth with my mom and hiding in my room I decided I couldn't take it anymore and I snuck out the door. And down the flight of stairs to sit at the bottom and smoke the cigarette I stole from my mom.
I sat there. Silent and still in appearence, but buzzing and screaming and thinking a thousand things at once. Mostly helpnessness, feelings of out of control.. Basically exceptional frustration. These nights where I became overwhelmed usually frequented every few months. And every few months I would sneak out and sit still on those steps.
For some reason that night I stood up. And I walked the thirty steps out to my street and I turned and looked down my street to the busyness and the river and all the lights of the peoples homes I would never know and I let out a huge sigh. And then, for no reason at all I tilted my head back to look at the stars. The moment I looked up a huge star shot across the sky and then dissapeared. Just like that. a shooting star in the middle of the night when there was no mention of a meteor shower or anyting. I wouldn't of seen it if I was a second late or early. I wouldn't of seen it if I hadn't tilted my head back. I wouldn't of seen it if I didn't randomly walk out to my street. But I was supposed to see that star.
And that my friends is why life is beautiful. Why I don't give up. And why I believe everything happens for a reason.
Also why I love stars and have a tattoo.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Hello.
Long time no talk.
So I am still unhappy, however, I figured out why and am fixing it more and more with every day.
Much diff from a few months back.
I moved downtown with the Ging and Jack and for three months we partied and lived and were messy as fuck and I got in the biggest fight of my life with Ging. This fight made me realize more than I ever thought was possible. This fight helped answer a lot of questions I haven't had answers to for a few years. Such as why do I depend on someone so much when they make me feel shitty more than they make me happy? The fight also taught me how to be an individual. Feel bad for me, call me young and stupid, ignorant, whatever. But I didn't make a decision unless I talked to Ging about it. I did this because me and my stupid personality cared SO much about her, that I cared so much, that I needed to not ask, but talk to her about it because I valued her opinion more than my own. That does'nt work when one is making decisions for their own life.
Anywhoo.
Now I am moving out and back to my moms place. But my mom moves to Winnipeg on Saturday. Yah Saturday. This is effecting me way more than I thought it would. I am really sad about that. Mostly because we are so much closer than we were. And also that it is more of a reminder that now the only parent in my vicinity is incapaple of being human. Bastard.
But this is exciting news that I'm moving!! I don't need to live with two dirty girls anymore. I love you ladies but seriously, get rid of your beer cans and slurpee cups that are a month old in out living room. SERIOUSLY drive me up the wall. I cant wait to be organized. I cant wait to live on my own. I cant wait to be me without her.
I'mm moving in with Stace's boyfried Nick. This can be confusing because my boyfriends name is Nick too. Say whaaaaaat I have a boyfriend!? Sweet.
Not that anyone reads my blog except for a few followers of whom I appreciate so much, but back in February on my birthday, I may of had a sleepover with an old fling of mine from 06. I may have made note in my blog about it and sounded like a huge slut for having a "one night stand" But we ended up going on some dates and hanging out and getting to know eachother. Maybe I'll waste time in another post, but for now, in the present, I am happy with where we are, I think we are really started to realllllllly care for eachothers beings. The comfort level is there. I love when he has to work and he goes to kiss me goodbye and he doesn't want to leave. I am started to really be my trueself to him, letting him accept me for all my quirks and oddness and apparently what he thinks is "cute". I like talking to him, just being with him, lying with him, hugging him, cuddling him, eating places with him.. We have a long ass way to go, but as I get to know him, I get to learn what a real relationship is. One that can be built on, one where you really appreciate and respect eachother, one that I mean absolutely no harm too, one that is just so adorable so much of the time. And he really does like me too, for me.
Anyway, I kinda like him. in my wayyyyyyy back posts he is knows as mr. red hot. haha... what a guy.
I also am a cheerleader/dancer for a very large corporation!.. It's amazing and I might get to go away to support my team!.. I really like being part of a team, plus now that I'm back into dancing myself and K are going to tryout to dance on cruise ship ands travel the mediterranean.
---
However enough of this filler updating.
in my current apartment i have a patio where i can sit, smoke, and listen to the beautiful trees lean from side to side in the wind while their leaves make sense of my thoughts and then whisper them back to me.
i think that sarcasm is a verrrrrrrry interesting subject. I dont like it. sarcastic people mean alot of what they say. and everything they you say is usually mean. people need to spend more time showing people they care about that they actually care instead of putting them down and the regreting it later.
i am still sad, euyore, sleepy sad. where my eyes just dont want to open as wide, where when i am walking to the bus and no one is looking at me i can feel my face in its full being, frowning. where everyday i really do wish i could sleep all day and not go to my 1 of 3 jobs. where when my phone dies im tempted to leave it off so that i dont have to talk to anyone. tears flow easily but more unexpectedly, i am weak, but i have recognized it, and i will try to fill my life with more things that really do make me happy.
i make decisions for myself now and i call people out when they say shit. i am honest. and more myself then i ever have been.
--
i feel like i just stood on top of a telephone booth shouting at the top of my lungs, grabbing all the dust and static in the air, pulling it in, and stuffing it into the booth where its all stuck trying to make sense of a string of thoughts that has been cut into a million pieces. just pick up the phone and it will all be heard on the other side.
So I am still unhappy, however, I figured out why and am fixing it more and more with every day.
Much diff from a few months back.
I moved downtown with the Ging and Jack and for three months we partied and lived and were messy as fuck and I got in the biggest fight of my life with Ging. This fight made me realize more than I ever thought was possible. This fight helped answer a lot of questions I haven't had answers to for a few years. Such as why do I depend on someone so much when they make me feel shitty more than they make me happy? The fight also taught me how to be an individual. Feel bad for me, call me young and stupid, ignorant, whatever. But I didn't make a decision unless I talked to Ging about it. I did this because me and my stupid personality cared SO much about her, that I cared so much, that I needed to not ask, but talk to her about it because I valued her opinion more than my own. That does'nt work when one is making decisions for their own life.
Anywhoo.
Now I am moving out and back to my moms place. But my mom moves to Winnipeg on Saturday. Yah Saturday. This is effecting me way more than I thought it would. I am really sad about that. Mostly because we are so much closer than we were. And also that it is more of a reminder that now the only parent in my vicinity is incapaple of being human. Bastard.
But this is exciting news that I'm moving!! I don't need to live with two dirty girls anymore. I love you ladies but seriously, get rid of your beer cans and slurpee cups that are a month old in out living room. SERIOUSLY drive me up the wall. I cant wait to be organized. I cant wait to live on my own. I cant wait to be me without her.
I'mm moving in with Stace's boyfried Nick. This can be confusing because my boyfriends name is Nick too. Say whaaaaaat I have a boyfriend!? Sweet.
Not that anyone reads my blog except for a few followers of whom I appreciate so much, but back in February on my birthday, I may of had a sleepover with an old fling of mine from 06. I may have made note in my blog about it and sounded like a huge slut for having a "one night stand" But we ended up going on some dates and hanging out and getting to know eachother. Maybe I'll waste time in another post, but for now, in the present, I am happy with where we are, I think we are really started to realllllllly care for eachothers beings. The comfort level is there. I love when he has to work and he goes to kiss me goodbye and he doesn't want to leave. I am started to really be my trueself to him, letting him accept me for all my quirks and oddness and apparently what he thinks is "cute". I like talking to him, just being with him, lying with him, hugging him, cuddling him, eating places with him.. We have a long ass way to go, but as I get to know him, I get to learn what a real relationship is. One that can be built on, one where you really appreciate and respect eachother, one that I mean absolutely no harm too, one that is just so adorable so much of the time. And he really does like me too, for me.
Anyway, I kinda like him. in my wayyyyyyy back posts he is knows as mr. red hot. haha... what a guy.
I also am a cheerleader/dancer for a very large corporation!.. It's amazing and I might get to go away to support my team!.. I really like being part of a team, plus now that I'm back into dancing myself and K are going to tryout to dance on cruise ship ands travel the mediterranean.
---
However enough of this filler updating.
in my current apartment i have a patio where i can sit, smoke, and listen to the beautiful trees lean from side to side in the wind while their leaves make sense of my thoughts and then whisper them back to me.
i think that sarcasm is a verrrrrrrry interesting subject. I dont like it. sarcastic people mean alot of what they say. and everything they you say is usually mean. people need to spend more time showing people they care about that they actually care instead of putting them down and the regreting it later.
i am still sad, euyore, sleepy sad. where my eyes just dont want to open as wide, where when i am walking to the bus and no one is looking at me i can feel my face in its full being, frowning. where everyday i really do wish i could sleep all day and not go to my 1 of 3 jobs. where when my phone dies im tempted to leave it off so that i dont have to talk to anyone. tears flow easily but more unexpectedly, i am weak, but i have recognized it, and i will try to fill my life with more things that really do make me happy.
i make decisions for myself now and i call people out when they say shit. i am honest. and more myself then i ever have been.
--
i feel like i just stood on top of a telephone booth shouting at the top of my lungs, grabbing all the dust and static in the air, pulling it in, and stuffing it into the booth where its all stuck trying to make sense of a string of thoughts that has been cut into a million pieces. just pick up the phone and it will all be heard on the other side.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Interesting
I have been very absent from this blog and have gone from checking in daily to not even going onto the computer. It is sad to say I may have dropped back into depression. I'm really working hard to get out but the familiar feelings are returning in such a powerful and familiar maner. manor? manner? The worst part is that in the past I knew why I was so unhappy. Now, I have no clue why these feelings are returning and that thought really scares me because 1, I dont know how to get out, and 2, I dont feel as if I have any control.
Boo.
Maybe I'll just start writing more.
Sorry for the morbidness I wish it wasn't
Boo.
Maybe I'll just start writing more.
Sorry for the morbidness I wish it wasn't
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
shameful behaviour
It took me almost two packs of menthal to figure out how to actually inhale properly ( I know how to inhale but bot as good as I do now) SHAME ON ME!
Good thing I vowed not to buy another pack for 3 months! And by that time I will of nicked the habit right in the butt!
No pun intended.
Good thing I realized I only like smoking because it gives me time to myself to reflect and just be alone, outside, at night; my favorite place. Bad thing I need to choose such a murdering activity to do so.
---
the Canucks are up 2 to 1 in the 3rd and we're looking pretty unstoppable! GO CANUCKS GO!
Good thing I vowed not to buy another pack for 3 months! And by that time I will of nicked the habit right in the butt!
No pun intended.
Good thing I realized I only like smoking because it gives me time to myself to reflect and just be alone, outside, at night; my favorite place. Bad thing I need to choose such a murdering activity to do so.
---
the Canucks are up 2 to 1 in the 3rd and we're looking pretty unstoppable! GO CANUCKS GO!
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