[1,830 Words]
I tightened my grip on the ribbon laced through my fingers. A red balloon bobs behind me as I quickly walk down the street and head to the park. Good thing it’s four in the morning and no one is out. This isn’t the sort of thing you want anyone to see; they would ask too many questions, and judge me whether I told them what I was doing or not. Unsure of exactly where to go I head to the nearest park bench and take a seat. I feel so stupid here, is this really going to do anything? A minute or two goes by and I search for a sign, something for me to go home but nothing happens. Guess it’s just me and my balloon. I know eventually I’m going to have to let this ribbon go. Eventually the sun will rise and people will carry on with their lives. Eventually I will watch this balloon float into the sky and disappear from my sight, but not quite yet.
Two years ago I met Jared. Jared was the guy that gave you his jacket when you were cold; he paid for your dinner not because he thought that guys should but because he wanted to. Jared was the guy that every girl wished her boyfriend would be, and I had Jared. Every Wednesday I had night school at ten and then I’d take the 410 bus home. Conveniently, Jared had practice every Wednesday night. I noticed him because he was always apologizing for hitting people with his big sports bag as he walked down the aisle of the bus. One day he ended up plopping down beside me and caught me looking at the odd shaped ball he was holding.
“I bet you want to know what this is,” he said sitting up in his seat and spinning the ball round in his hands. “This is a Rugby ball.” He stated proudly, holding it up and admiring it as if it were his most prized possession. He looked at me, searching for shared enthusiasm but was greeted by confusion. Apparently he took this as an excuse to tell me all about how Rugby is the best sport ever invented. If it were anyone else I would have just got up and switched seats as politely as possible, but for some reason, I couldn’t stop staring at his tanned face and his freckled nose, and how if he was really excited about something he would lift up his hat and place it exactly back where it was before. He must have noticed I had been staring at him with a blank face for a while because he stopped explaining the difference between a Try and a Conversion in mid-sentence, “I’m Jared by the way, and sorry for my rambling I’ve just started playing this year so it’s still new and exciting. What’s your name?”
“My name is Leona.” I said placing my hand out in front of me.
“Leona,” he repeated grabbing my hand and giving it a gently squeeze. “That’s a very nice name I’ve never heard it before. It suits you very well.”
“Well you don’t even know me, how would you know if it suits me?” I said before I could stop myself.
“Well,” he said, leaving a few seconds for good measure, “I don’t really know actually. All I know for sure is that I want to know more.”
Every week from then on we would meet on the bus and talk. Sometimes he would miss his stop because we were talking so much so eventually he asked for my number and the hopeless romantic in me had to give it to him. I guess the difference between Jared and every other guy was that he really was interested in anything I had to say. Almost everyone else just waits for their turn to speak but I would always catch him just listening and smiling at me with his goofy smile, waiting for me to continue. I guess that’s why we could talk for so long because I would do the exact same thing with him. It wasn’t surprising that after a year it seemed as though we had known each other for our whole lives. He would tell me of his plans for our future where we would get our own place and be those lame couples that go for walks and are so in love. All this talk would normally scare the shit out of me but for some reason I didn’t mind with him. He was always so passionate about everything in his life, including me. I never thought I could know someone as well as I thought I knew Jared.
A few months ago I was at lunch with my girlfriends telling them how I`ve been sick lately and how I`ve been eating way more than usual when one of them suggested I could be pregnant as a joke. I almost chocked on my food as I laughed and reassured them that was impossible. I recounted the story to Jared later on that day, and he gave me this look I`d never ever seen before. Not really sure of how to react I said, “Would it really be so horrible if I was?”
“Of course not babe, it’s just that we don’t need to talk about any of that until the time comes.” He pulled me closer and kissed me on the forehead. “I better get going,” he said. “I’m pretty tired and I have to work early tomorrow.” I lay awake all night that night. It wasn’t just the fact that I could actually be pregnant; it was more because he usually slept over at my house during the week.
A week later we were sitting on my couch watching a movie when I couldn’t contain myself anymore. “I’m pregnant Jared,” I said, covering my mouth with my hands. “And I don’t know what to do.”
He stared at me for what seemed like minutes and then pushed me away form him very slowly. “How could you do this to us?” He said shaking his head.
“I didn’t do anything!” I said just wanting to make him happy. I’d do whatever he wanted, which right now seemed to be to make him to stop looking at me like he didn’t recognize me. “I’m sorry okay; I just need to know what you want to do so we can make plans.” As soon as I spoke the words I instantly wished I could take them back.
“Make plans?” He stood up, “Look Leona, this is a lot of news all at once, I need to think about it okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He grabbed his coat and left without another word I was left alone in my apartment without any questions answered and without anyone to comfort me.
Think about what? This wasn’t the Jared I knew. The Jared I knew would be beside me telling me we will figure it out. Telling me everything is going to be okay, and promising me he will be there for me. Jared didn’t call me the next day, or the day after that. I tried to get a hold of him and he wouldn’t even answer my calls. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. I wanted him to love me again.
The abortion was nothing like I expected. I thought it would be a changing experience and wished the procedure was different. It was similar to getting your wisdom teeth pulled. Everyone was so calm and formal, they talked me through what was about to happen, drugged me, then everything went hazy while they took care of business, I rested for a while until the drugs wore off, and then I was out the door. I was left feeling emotionless and more than anything else like I had done the wrong thing. I didn’t even bother to call Jared as I headed straight for his place. It had been nearly three weeks since we had talked more than a few words to each other but I knew he just needed his space and now everything could go back to the way it was. I knocked on the door urgently and was so glad to see his face when he answered.
I hung my arms around his neck and told him not to worry that everything had been taken care of. I told him all I had been thinking about for the past three weeks was how he would be so happy that we could go back to the way we were. He hugged me back but then held me out at arms length. “Leona, it’s not that easy. When I you told me you were pregnant it made me realize that I don’t want to be with you. I can’t share my life with someone I know I won’t be with in the future. I’m sorry.” I have lost count of the number of times I have replayed those last words in my head.
I never thought I was capable of so much pain. My world had been like yahtzee, I was just tossed into a cup, shook around and thrown out something completely different than before. This wasn’t a physical pain, a pain that sometimes can be so strong you feel like you might loose consciousness, this was an emotional pain. The pain of losing someone, something, forever and knowing you will never touch, talk, create, or enjoy anything with them again. This kind of pain hurts you in such a strong and powerful way, it’s like a cut that never heals. It makes you feel empty. It wasn’t until just yesterday I felt like my wounds might heal.
I twirled the end up the ribbon in my hand and oddly smiled at the last two years of my life. I watched the sun peak over the horizon at me as she gently lit up the world to start a new day. Taking a deep breath, I got up from the bench and away from all the trees and into the middle of a clearing. Reaching my hand as high as I could I released my grip on the ribbon and watched it unravel through my fingers. Faster than I intended it was up and out of reach. I watched the red balloon twirl into the sky until it turned into just a little dot and then just like that it was gone. Walking back to my apartment I felt like a whole new person. I had lost the person I thought I cared about most, and given up an opportunity to bring someone new into this life, but I hadn`t lost myself. For the first time in a long time, everything was just as it should be, everything was calm again.
-so this story had to be writtin in 1st person which i am starting to get bored with. I left it till the last second so i like the balloon idea but i think i could have done much MUCH better. the relationship part doesnt reallly feel believable and i think the concept of the two types of pain could of had a more powerful message. stronger final paragraph??? what do you think?
