Small Town Celebrity

So everyday everyone does something new. True statement.

I feel like a small town celebrity. That isn't quite the right term to use but I can't think of any other way to put it. I have this remembrance of this thought everytime I walk into my house. As I was down my long walkway covered in lushious red carpet 'cough' I mean doggydo covered cement. I realize that I am always lets italisize that for emphasis always coming or going I am never staying. Example,
She comes home from job at 11:30 only to pick up a few thing before leaving at 11:45 when her studly bf picks her up in his escalade 'cough' Harley Davidson F150 (still nice!) Only to locomote to her other place on the other side of town to take a shower and fondle until the raly hours of the morning. Upon sunrise, she wakes up a mere 7am only to go to her first jon for a few hours, go to ther second job from 11 - 2:30, then go to ther thrird job from 4:15 to 11:30pm only to reach home for a quite sleep and getting up at 6:45a. the very next morning to do it all over again.

Ok maybe not so celebrity, just a working joe or i guess jill, like everyone else. But the point is im busy! And everytime I am going into my house I am thinking about how I am going to be leaving again and what I need to pick up and do.

I just want to waltz into my house like it's my private dancefloor, twirling, shuffling, and shaunshmenting within the four corners. Living in the one song and dance without anticipating where my next shuffle may take me.

To bad I asked for the exact opposite.

There really cant be the best of both worlds in this case.


D.A.N.C.E - Justice ( all for you ott*!)

1 2 3 dont go

Today was a day just like any other.
No it wasn't.

I didn't do anything today. Nothing. So much happened.

I talked to fabolous. He calls dew mrbrown. I thought that was funny. I think fabolous and me are on the exact same page. I always think about him. He was my first. I cared so much about him. I still get butterflies thinking about him and I haven't seen him in over two years.

I haven't forgotten the sound of his footsteps.

He said that if he had a phone maybe he would have beaten mr brown to the punch. I say that that is a load of shit but the meaning is still there. He still thinks about it. He still talks to me on msn when there is no reason to talk to me. We could still be.

We could still be

Maybe in the future. That's what he says too. Maybe in the future we will see more of eachother and we could try. I think that is a good idea. But there is a lot of maybe in the future with alot of the guys I used to like alot and then they all one by one ditched me. But not fabolous actually. That was just an eventual fading of time. Fading of lives. Changing of lives. When I slowly grew up

I realized last night while I was telling dew how I was raped how bad it was.

I almost forgot.

And I still talk to the guy. For years I was friends with him. I’m pretty sure I let him take advantage of me again at his house and then I cried about it. He was such a dick to me. Spread rumours about things we didn’t do for no reason. Told people he planned to do it. Stole scouts phone. Stole money from his parents.

He stole my virginity.

My first time having sex I got raped by someone that I thought was my friend. And he told people that he had anal sex with me too. I know that didn’t happen. I know because I would be able to feel it. I could feel that he had raped me. It hurts. I would know if we had anal sex.

Maybe that’s why when me and stan and moth have our cosmo nights I talk so badly about anal sex. Maybe its all psychological and that’s why it creeps me out.

Dew is right I should never talk to the rapist.

I don’t know why I am so nice to people that don’t deserve my sincerness
- - - -

So lets change the subject. Kindof.

I’m just going to lay it all out there.

I went away to visit my family in a city that doesn’t matter towards the story except for that I wasn’t at home. And my two best friends from highshcool facebook me and tell me that they booked a flight to M and the flight costs 600 dollars and they are going from this date to that date.

At the same time my cousin has invited me to California with out friend Blanche (because she attends makeup school) anyway. I denied both because I just paid for a 400 dollar plane ride and I’m not rich.

Everything is cool

Then I find out that I have an exam after my friends go to M so I wouldn’t of been able to go anyway. Well then, good thing I didn’t buy the ticket.

Then I find out that for Cali, my flights there and back, my hotel stay, and my hotel is all 330 dollars. Half of what M’s flight is!

So I book the flight to Cali. And it doesn’t conflict with my exams. It is a beautiful opportunity.

And then I go on msn and Hilton doesn’t answer me. Oh btw my friends are in M right now. Oh yah and then when I go on facebook she has written on my wall “ you choose cali over m, the end, goodbye”

In her language that means I’m causing drama because I think that I know the whole story and I’m a big fat bitch and I like to bitch about my friends when they aren’t here. And when I come home in a week im going to isolate you and be bitchy to you because I think that everyone is as rich as me and can just afford to miss their exams and pay for a 600 dollar flight

Yah well suck it

Am I wrong?

Why do I feel so guilty about going to cali?

Hilton is so rude

I am not happy about it. And even worse that means ginger and blair are bitching about me too. Blair im not surprised and she will hear about it if I find out she was bitching about me. Ginger on the other hand I will just be so upset. SO upset. I hope she doesn’t break and bad mouth me. Her opinion means the most.

- - - - -

So anyways, on top of all of that I have my last exam tomorrow and my GPA is really low. Like close to failing low.

And I just want to give up

I am failing at university and I don’t know what to do with my life because I know I am capable. But of what??

Join the club right





Do you really know what its like – twisted ( I think its by him)

home

whenever I work. Like tonight. I always dread going home and I don't know why. And I always call mom and ask if she can pick me up because its only a 5 minute drive. and she says no all the time and her excuse today was " i'm already all settled at home here. nope. find your own way home. you chose this lifestyle" what?? i chose to work? yah i did does she want me to be constantly bumming money off of her? i dont think so. seriously makes me so mad! and i have an exam tomorrow and im so tired ive been out all day and no she is all "settled" fuck that noise.

and seriously i fill up with so much anger i can barely believe it and i sit on the skytrian and just fume and then i want to cry and i feel depressed only when im walking home. and thats not just tonight. its basically everynight that i wakl home from work.. i dont really understand it. but its not cool at all. and now i have an exam tomorrow that i am going to fail. also not cool at all. i wish i could fuck that noise.

and then as i was walking i saw this big truck and i always think of what it would look/feel like to just be plummeted by one. just be standing there and have it hit you at full force. how would the body fly??

and then after that thought i saw the moon and all the stars and i took a breath of fresh air and i felt so alive and the sky is so beautiful at night and it reminds me of moth cause the stars remind me of moth. so i tried to take some pics of the moon but it didnt work out to well but i felt better after that.

bi polar much?

sheryl crow and a cool new song out but i dont know the name of it.

tree branches are pretty

Moth and I are back on track! Very exciting news.. We talked it out today and everything is good and we agreed to stop fighting over such stupid things.. Because who knows why we were even fighting in the first place? Now when he goes away to school we can still be friends and I can visit him and everything will be good! YAY!

Also

I really need to learn how to study. I'm at the library right now.. Not studying.. Have an exam tomorrow. That's awesome. Going to fail.. Sweetlife.

the S**C A**z**g *ir** G**u* is so sweet! I am so happy that I made it but Gin&Juice needs to still join. That's okay there is still time for her to do it.


Moby - has some different stuff going on