Twenty

So today is my birthday and I am twenty years old. I think about where I was a year ago and how much I have learned matured evolved changed since then. Thought I would recap exactly where I am right so that next year I will have a legit reference!

-I am completely happy being independent. Me and ginger have our place and I am no longer living with my mom. We have plans of possibly moving in with Drew and Dave, or the possibility of taking over my moms place with Lo as well and getting over our mediocre place here. although i still like it.

-I am enjoying being single. im not hooking up with anyone. and for the first time in my life i am okay with not wanting/liking/having a boy. if a relationship is going to happen itll happen, you cant force that shit! and worrying about it all of the time is just time consuming and pointless.
---that being said, i have a short stint with jeremiah where i let him get to me but im glad thats over! thank god he was a cocky son of a bitch
---me and mr nothing chat every once and a while but who knows about that. i think. next time he is in town its ultimatum time. "you know (insert name), i have a lot of fun with you and your a pretty awesome guy. you obviously know i have something for you, but i dont want this up in the air shit where we will talk all the time and then randomly not for a long time. im not saying that i want to go out with you. i am saying that you've got one more chance. so think about it, make up your mind, and call me if you want. goodnight :)"
---when i broke up with sids 8 months ago i was so sad and i thought i was in love with him possibly and i didnt know how long it would take for me to get over him. i am OVER him. applause please! he was an asshole, still is, and is selfish. and he doenst even know it! i pity you sids and i hope one day you figure it out.
---i still think about n ick. pretty often. he is so frickin hot
-im really liking work but making shit money. i want to transfer to thurlow, gi, or a new restaurant. i really think my group of friends at work is real and value them so much. thank god for work!! yayy!!!! im also doing well serving i believe

-i am enjoying my psych classes and keeping up (for the most part) with school. i think i want to me a psychologist, psychiatrist, maybe work with handicapped people, children, or ppl with mental problems or that have been abused or traumatized in their lives.

-i have anger about my dad and i dont know how to deal with it.

-me and KK are as close as ever! she is going through alot and i just want to be the best friend that i can be. i love her so much and hope that she realizes what she is worth. i dont want anything to change with us or anything to happen to her. if she dies from this i don think i would ever recover. i thnk about her everysingle day and we really do think on the same level. im glad she shares my optimism and dreams and accepts me for who i am. ah the journey of life.

- i think i need a therapist and could be slightly depressed and/or was despressed.

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what do i want from my twentieth year of life?

-a trip of some sort
-to save a decent amount of money
-to fall in love
-do something ive never done before
-be truthful all the time
-make time for the people i care about
-be a bit less lazy
-not talk bad aout people
-dont comment on ppls appearences when i approach them. compliment on the inside stuff
-confront the ppl that need to be confronted
-make an advance about my future?
-fucking organize my music and keep up with it!
-see hedley at least once

i think thats it.

thankyou for your time.

Small Town Celebrity

So everyday everyone does something new. True statement.

I feel like a small town celebrity. That isn't quite the right term to use but I can't think of any other way to put it. I have this remembrance of this thought everytime I walk into my house. As I was down my long walkway covered in lushious red carpet 'cough' I mean doggydo covered cement. I realize that I am always lets italisize that for emphasis always coming or going I am never staying. Example,
She comes home from job at 11:30 only to pick up a few thing before leaving at 11:45 when her studly bf picks her up in his escalade 'cough' Harley Davidson F150 (still nice!) Only to locomote to her other place on the other side of town to take a shower and fondle until the raly hours of the morning. Upon sunrise, she wakes up a mere 7am only to go to her first jon for a few hours, go to ther second job from 11 - 2:30, then go to ther thrird job from 4:15 to 11:30pm only to reach home for a quite sleep and getting up at 6:45a. the very next morning to do it all over again.

Ok maybe not so celebrity, just a working joe or i guess jill, like everyone else. But the point is im busy! And everytime I am going into my house I am thinking about how I am going to be leaving again and what I need to pick up and do.

I just want to waltz into my house like it's my private dancefloor, twirling, shuffling, and shaunshmenting within the four corners. Living in the one song and dance without anticipating where my next shuffle may take me.

To bad I asked for the exact opposite.

There really cant be the best of both worlds in this case.


D.A.N.C.E - Justice ( all for you ott*!)

1 2 3 dont go

Today was a day just like any other.
No it wasn't.

I didn't do anything today. Nothing. So much happened.

I talked to fabolous. He calls dew mrbrown. I thought that was funny. I think fabolous and me are on the exact same page. I always think about him. He was my first. I cared so much about him. I still get butterflies thinking about him and I haven't seen him in over two years.

I haven't forgotten the sound of his footsteps.

He said that if he had a phone maybe he would have beaten mr brown to the punch. I say that that is a load of shit but the meaning is still there. He still thinks about it. He still talks to me on msn when there is no reason to talk to me. We could still be.

We could still be

Maybe in the future. That's what he says too. Maybe in the future we will see more of eachother and we could try. I think that is a good idea. But there is a lot of maybe in the future with alot of the guys I used to like alot and then they all one by one ditched me. But not fabolous actually. That was just an eventual fading of time. Fading of lives. Changing of lives. When I slowly grew up

I realized last night while I was telling dew how I was raped how bad it was.

I almost forgot.

And I still talk to the guy. For years I was friends with him. I’m pretty sure I let him take advantage of me again at his house and then I cried about it. He was such a dick to me. Spread rumours about things we didn’t do for no reason. Told people he planned to do it. Stole scouts phone. Stole money from his parents.

He stole my virginity.

My first time having sex I got raped by someone that I thought was my friend. And he told people that he had anal sex with me too. I know that didn’t happen. I know because I would be able to feel it. I could feel that he had raped me. It hurts. I would know if we had anal sex.

Maybe that’s why when me and stan and moth have our cosmo nights I talk so badly about anal sex. Maybe its all psychological and that’s why it creeps me out.

Dew is right I should never talk to the rapist.

I don’t know why I am so nice to people that don’t deserve my sincerness
- - - -

So lets change the subject. Kindof.

I’m just going to lay it all out there.

I went away to visit my family in a city that doesn’t matter towards the story except for that I wasn’t at home. And my two best friends from highshcool facebook me and tell me that they booked a flight to M and the flight costs 600 dollars and they are going from this date to that date.

At the same time my cousin has invited me to California with out friend Blanche (because she attends makeup school) anyway. I denied both because I just paid for a 400 dollar plane ride and I’m not rich.

Everything is cool

Then I find out that I have an exam after my friends go to M so I wouldn’t of been able to go anyway. Well then, good thing I didn’t buy the ticket.

Then I find out that for Cali, my flights there and back, my hotel stay, and my hotel is all 330 dollars. Half of what M’s flight is!

So I book the flight to Cali. And it doesn’t conflict with my exams. It is a beautiful opportunity.

And then I go on msn and Hilton doesn’t answer me. Oh btw my friends are in M right now. Oh yah and then when I go on facebook she has written on my wall “ you choose cali over m, the end, goodbye”

In her language that means I’m causing drama because I think that I know the whole story and I’m a big fat bitch and I like to bitch about my friends when they aren’t here. And when I come home in a week im going to isolate you and be bitchy to you because I think that everyone is as rich as me and can just afford to miss their exams and pay for a 600 dollar flight

Yah well suck it

Am I wrong?

Why do I feel so guilty about going to cali?

Hilton is so rude

I am not happy about it. And even worse that means ginger and blair are bitching about me too. Blair im not surprised and she will hear about it if I find out she was bitching about me. Ginger on the other hand I will just be so upset. SO upset. I hope she doesn’t break and bad mouth me. Her opinion means the most.

- - - - -

So anyways, on top of all of that I have my last exam tomorrow and my GPA is really low. Like close to failing low.

And I just want to give up

I am failing at university and I don’t know what to do with my life because I know I am capable. But of what??

Join the club right





Do you really know what its like – twisted ( I think its by him)

tree branches are pretty

Moth and I are back on track! Very exciting news.. We talked it out today and everything is good and we agreed to stop fighting over such stupid things.. Because who knows why we were even fighting in the first place? Now when he goes away to school we can still be friends and I can visit him and everything will be good! YAY!

Also

I really need to learn how to study. I'm at the library right now.. Not studying.. Have an exam tomorrow. That's awesome. Going to fail.. Sweetlife.

the S**C A**z**g *ir** G**u* is so sweet! I am so happy that I made it but Gin&Juice needs to still join. That's okay there is still time for her to do it.


Moby - has some different stuff going on