Twenty

So today is my birthday and I am twenty years old. I think about where I was a year ago and how much I have learned matured evolved changed since then. Thought I would recap exactly where I am right so that next year I will have a legit reference!

-I am completely happy being independent. Me and ginger have our place and I am no longer living with my mom. We have plans of possibly moving in with Drew and Dave, or the possibility of taking over my moms place with Lo as well and getting over our mediocre place here. although i still like it.

-I am enjoying being single. im not hooking up with anyone. and for the first time in my life i am okay with not wanting/liking/having a boy. if a relationship is going to happen itll happen, you cant force that shit! and worrying about it all of the time is just time consuming and pointless.
---that being said, i have a short stint with jeremiah where i let him get to me but im glad thats over! thank god he was a cocky son of a bitch
---me and mr nothing chat every once and a while but who knows about that. i think. next time he is in town its ultimatum time. "you know (insert name), i have a lot of fun with you and your a pretty awesome guy. you obviously know i have something for you, but i dont want this up in the air shit where we will talk all the time and then randomly not for a long time. im not saying that i want to go out with you. i am saying that you've got one more chance. so think about it, make up your mind, and call me if you want. goodnight :)"
---when i broke up with sids 8 months ago i was so sad and i thought i was in love with him possibly and i didnt know how long it would take for me to get over him. i am OVER him. applause please! he was an asshole, still is, and is selfish. and he doenst even know it! i pity you sids and i hope one day you figure it out.
---i still think about n ick. pretty often. he is so frickin hot
-im really liking work but making shit money. i want to transfer to thurlow, gi, or a new restaurant. i really think my group of friends at work is real and value them so much. thank god for work!! yayy!!!! im also doing well serving i believe

-i am enjoying my psych classes and keeping up (for the most part) with school. i think i want to me a psychologist, psychiatrist, maybe work with handicapped people, children, or ppl with mental problems or that have been abused or traumatized in their lives.

-i have anger about my dad and i dont know how to deal with it.

-me and KK are as close as ever! she is going through alot and i just want to be the best friend that i can be. i love her so much and hope that she realizes what she is worth. i dont want anything to change with us or anything to happen to her. if she dies from this i don think i would ever recover. i thnk about her everysingle day and we really do think on the same level. im glad she shares my optimism and dreams and accepts me for who i am. ah the journey of life.

- i think i need a therapist and could be slightly depressed and/or was despressed.

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what do i want from my twentieth year of life?

-a trip of some sort
-to save a decent amount of money
-to fall in love
-do something ive never done before
-be truthful all the time
-make time for the people i care about
-be a bit less lazy
-not talk bad aout people
-dont comment on ppls appearences when i approach them. compliment on the inside stuff
-confront the ppl that need to be confronted
-make an advance about my future?
-fucking organize my music and keep up with it!
-see hedley at least once

i think thats it.

thankyou for your time.

home

whenever I work. Like tonight. I always dread going home and I don't know why. And I always call mom and ask if she can pick me up because its only a 5 minute drive. and she says no all the time and her excuse today was " i'm already all settled at home here. nope. find your own way home. you chose this lifestyle" what?? i chose to work? yah i did does she want me to be constantly bumming money off of her? i dont think so. seriously makes me so mad! and i have an exam tomorrow and im so tired ive been out all day and no she is all "settled" fuck that noise.

and seriously i fill up with so much anger i can barely believe it and i sit on the skytrian and just fume and then i want to cry and i feel depressed only when im walking home. and thats not just tonight. its basically everynight that i wakl home from work.. i dont really understand it. but its not cool at all. and now i have an exam tomorrow that i am going to fail. also not cool at all. i wish i could fuck that noise.

and then as i was walking i saw this big truck and i always think of what it would look/feel like to just be plummeted by one. just be standing there and have it hit you at full force. how would the body fly??

and then after that thought i saw the moon and all the stars and i took a breath of fresh air and i felt so alive and the sky is so beautiful at night and it reminds me of moth cause the stars remind me of moth. so i tried to take some pics of the moon but it didnt work out to well but i felt better after that.

bi polar much?

sheryl crow and a cool new song out but i dont know the name of it.