gamble everyhtign for love

"tell me the truth and ill tell you the truth

make a list of things you need, leave it empty
except for number one write love, gamble everything
keep it on the lock and key
if you wanna you can gamble everything for love"
-ben lee

toooo badd
saturday: hang out with guy he drunkenly says that we should be more exclusive. i sleep over, but no sex we just make out and snuggle and are a couple everythig isss SOOO goood, next morning goes well my friend and i leave and we are all peachy.
monday: talk to him and he has work the next day so we cant hang out that sucks.. good convo we say goodnight to each other and we will tlak to eachother soon
thursday: he calls me after hockey practice and we talk abotu our plans for the weekend, doesnt look like we will be seeing eachother but i still say call me or sumthign and mayeb we can meet up, he says yes
friday: i get drunk and call him but he doesnt answer and thats fine im drunk he will call em tomorrow
saturday: no call
sunday: no call
monday: still no call soo i text him saying i understand your busy but we should hang out soon
no reply.
tuesday: no call, my friend goes to the gym and sees his friend and she asks whats up and the guy says well thats how he keeps his girls around
WHAT THE FUCK
we hung out soo much everything was good his friend told me that he thought i was diffrerent and that he relaly liekd me and he wanted me to be his girlfriend but he just doesn tknow for sure yet because he doesn tknow if i would cheat on him or not.. which i wouldnt.. and i really liked him how unlucky can a person be i am a good person and deserve a nice guy and all i can choose are guys that will lead me on and try to use me. thank god i didnt do a lot of shit with him that makes me feel so much better about myself
now me tato c.g. and him are all supposed to play pool together and im going to make him wish he could have me, hook up? ya right he cant just use me and be with me when its convenient for him. ill tell him too bad i really did liek you you SEEMED like a nice guy.

FUCK

its so hard wanting what you cant have
i want so many things
i want a boyfriend, someone to cuddle with at night
a person that has me as their number one
i want that
and i have a friend that would be that
but its not good enough
i have to have the bad ones
the ones that dont want me
just my body
its unfair
but its life
and i could have that and its just not good enough for me
sweetheart
love
who cares
whatever happened to being independent

to do...

accomplished
yet to be accomplished
Random tasks i need to do:
-get full license
-do all my alterations or take them somewhere(jacket lulu lemons jeans shirts etc)
-get blank c.d's os i can make fun cds for the car
-rearragnge shevles so my fan stuff fits
-pay sfu they money they are stealing for my poor education
-update/get dad to come over and fix my laptop
-get mom to take back xmas clothes cause they are on her visa and i cant do it myself
-evans xmas gift, (late)
-buy photography stuff for class!
-get serving it right!
-read my server book.

Things i would like to do:
get in a fight
go skydiving
press the button and stop an elevator
have sex in the water
get a boyfriend
get an A on a paper
go to a poverty ridden place, build a school, teach english, and find myself
move out
fall in love

Books i would like to read:
the crows
gossip girl novels
a-list novels
frankenstein
inconvenient truth
diamond age
Movies i would like to see:

i am legend
buy*
across the universe
into the wild
Things i would like to buy:
uggs or fake uggs

Songs i would like to download:
britney spears c.d
neverending white lights c.d.
"hello little boys little toys"
elliot yamin - a song for you/c.d.
gorillaz c.d.
matt good
jay brannan

into the wild

it really made me think.. deeply, and i realized that there is so much out there.. so many things.. i really am the needle in the haystack, i could search forever and i still wouldnt see every piece of hay out there. i have been thinking alot lately about judging people, and assumptions and just people in general.. and its all suddenly so clear for the moment. live and let be.. just do what you like and what is good and what feels right. running if you want, whatever those instincts tell you to do just do it! maybe you will fail MAYBE you will learn an incredible life lesson. sometimes the simplest things can bring you happyness. and you can keep that happiness and hold it and use it for the times that would normally make you mad or weak. there is no point in just giving up and being unhappy or acting about anything.. you are what you are so why dont you be? we all just go out into the wild.. and some survive. others dont. many just wander and wait to be saved. some go into groups and live off of eachother. id rather find my own way, rely only on myself, happiness is only real when shared. the important thing is balance and with that will come happiness which comes from sharing and you would never realize that unless you have spent time alone, only you and your soul.. that then you meet yourself and finally realize what your all about.. i love being annoymous.. but id rather be heard.

possibility

Relationships of all kinds really are a test of character. Mother daughter, boy girl, brother sister.. they can all make you feel such different emotions so quickly. and it all boils down to how much you care. thats really all that matters. because if you dont care then its out of sight out of mind. once emotion is invested your stuck and you cant get out. i invest emotion too easily, and therefore i easily get stuck. i concentrate so much on pleasing everyong and doing the right thing and avoiding conflict at all costs that at the end of the day the only one that is suffering and left thinking about the situation at all is myself. its unhealthy. and its wrong. its not the way that one should go about doing things. i tried this whole put yourself first.. do what you think is right.. say what you feel thing.. all it has done is cause drama throughout all of my loved ones. it has to be a balance just like everything else. everything is good in certain amounts.. too much and suddenly its not as good or precious as you thought it once was. relationships are filled with balance, and compromise, and everything else in between. too much of someone, or some topic, and it loses all meaning. at least for the time being.. one day you might feel certain that your decision is the right one, and then the next morning you wake up and wonder how you ever thought that was a good decision and all you can think about is how stupid it is. its funny how emotions can so easily effect how you handle a situation. sometimes you feel so certain and you know that you couldnt have it anyother way and then all of a sudden something else.. another feeling.. another part.. another person changes yoour whole perspective and all of a sudden you are right back where you started.. its that cycle.. it never stops.. even if you stop.. if you give up. its just keeps going and pushing you until eventually.. minutes, days, monthes, even years later you suddenly realize and remember the whole reason you were thinking about that certain thing in the first place. and 99 out of 100 times you will make the same conclusion about the situation as you did before and then you will second guess yourself.. and thus the cycle continues
life eh