Doc

Went to the doctor.. he prescribed me to a celebmed. not going to say which because im still scared people that i know see this.. but i have yet to notice anything, allthough that is expected he says it could take a few weeks. blah

also i have S thoughts everyday. I think a therapist may be good for me

also since i went to the doc i have pretty much just given up on everything that i, stressed out about. my midterm. the apt. my relationships. i just dont care. dont really think thats a good thing though.

gamble everything for love has got to be one of my favorite songs ever ever. its by ben lee

Scared

I'm so scared right now..

Something is really happening to me and I dont understand it at all. I'm just hit with scaredness/aloneness/idontevenfuckingknow. I get scared and short of breath and full of anxiety and I just cry. I feel like everyone thinks im weird and that I dont fit in with normal conversations. no one gets it, K is really trying she cares, but my other friends aren't around or asking me how im doing. H seems mad at me which i think is really getting to me. i try so hard to make everyone like me and it doesnt seem to be working. sometimes i have these thoughts that i dont know how to organize... its like my body is not my own or like i dont have control over what im doing/ my life? i just cant do it. i dont feel like myself. i convince myself that Ni doesnt care, that he has better things to do, that he thinks im annoying or in the way. thats how i feel today. and just a few days agoi was writing in my journal about how i think im falling in love with him. then i shouldnt have thoughts like i am today. i wish it was all just easier. normal people dont think like this and i wish i was just normal and i just didnt have to care about any of this. im just so alone and i dont know what to do. i want to just stay alone all day and hide from everyone because really the only time i feel really good is when im lying with ni and falling asleep. i feel safe and i dont have to talk or explain or do anything. and its not right to just tell anyone about my thoughts. i dont want to make them feel like they have to care. and they will just think im weird or crazy anyway. its just so scary im actually so scared ahhhhhhh. why the fuck am i crying right now!! stop it! i didnt do anything stressfultoday. at all. i wrote a midterm that i was prepared for and did fine. then i went shopping and got stuff that made me feel good. a curling iron. face lotion and soap. clothes. im thinking its just like theres no point at all anymore. and its so retarded because i just wrote that everything i was doing was the point of life the other day. i dont understand why my thoughts are so scattered. im going to go to sleep.

I think... That sometimes I write things that are pretty legitimate.

Other times not so much.

I just felt proud of myself, which was nice.

But now I'm going to jump headfirst into my endless black hole of Social Psychology and FUNdamentals of Business. Which by the way if your wondering, isn't very fun.

I actually wrote this befoe my last post and never actually posted it

Almost had a panic attack on the skytrain today, that was weird. I don't really know what that was all about.

I am verging on freaking out about my (oh no) 3 whole classes. Like, get serious N, it cant be thattt much work. People take 5 classes and work so what am I whining about. I have two midterms next week. One of which is on 5 chapters, and my business one which is Chapters 1-7 and I haven't even taken the textbook out of its wrapping yet. GOD. Plus another midterm the week after that. Did I mention that I have to meet with 2 different groups as our project outlines are due as well? Great

I mean that's all fine and dandy and sure, I COULD get all that done. But unfortunately I have a game tomorrow which takes up my time from 1pm on. and work all day saturday, and practice again on sunday, then i work on monday, and whoa there we go! My mid term in on tuesday.

I'm such a complainer. Why dont I just stop writing on here and start researching or reviewing for my papers and projects?

What I should really do is go see a doctor to explain why I am constantly tired, unmotivated, sad, teary, irritable, dont want to do anything, wish that I get hit by a car so i can go into critical condition and stop having to worry about everyday issues. That would be nice. I almost fainted when I was walking up the hill today. I just constantly feel like I'm unsteady.

Guess it doesn't help that I am dealing with breaking my lease at my old apartment and that my old roommates are being really hard to deal with and I feel like I am doing everything myself. I just cant do it all anymore. I just want to give up and quit. All of it. No, I'm not talking suicide, I'm not that emo, but fuck this is so annoying I never enjoy anything I do.

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this is such an unlegit post. look what I've sunk to. Oooo pity me I'm a sad girl. God I'm pathetic.