Pink - Sober

I don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don’t wanna be that call at 4 o’clock in the morning
‘Cos I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home

Uuuhh, the sun is blinding
Uhhhh, I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That’s not the way I want my story to end

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain
Inside
You’re my protection
How do I feel this good sober?

I don’t wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me cause it screams the truth

Please don’t tell me that we had that conversation
I won’t remember, save your breath, ‘cos what’s the use?

Uhhhh, the night is calling?
And it whispers to me softly come and play
Aahh, I am falling
And If I let myself go I’m the only one to blame

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
Uohhhouhoh…
No pain
Inside
You’re my perfection
How do I feel this good sober?

I’m coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round
Looking for myself …. SOBER

I’m coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning ’round, spinning ’round, spinning ’round
Looking for myself …. SOBER

Will I ever feel this good

I’m safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
Uhoohhh..
No pain
Inside
You’re like perfection
How do I feel this good sober
How do I feel this good sober

Uhhoooohh..
Will I ever feel this good sober?

Official Official To-Do List

My life long list of things I would like to accomplish:
(In no particular order or if in any, backwards)

-Girls Gone Wild
-Fall in love <3
-Organize and pull off a big event
-Go to Australia
-Go to Thailand
-Go to Europe
-Go to Africa
-Write a song
-Start a family

sleep and wake

everynight before i go to sleep i read my book. my book that tells me all these inpirational things and optimism and i should be thankful.

instead i can feel my soul. inside of me. my exact middle and i feel like someone is strangling it. squishing it. until it is dry and deteriorating. you cant stop the cycle of life and i think my soul is just about dead. too much experience. too many mistakes. too many shots. too many things i wish i never did. too many wishes wishing i was someone else. someone better.

and then in some moments i wouldnt change a thing.

so great

"i don't want to live where my shadow can offer the light.
i don't want to go where we're beautiful only at night."



i really love his writing style

writing prompt

If you had the opportunity to write as a career, what would you write?

i don't really know. somethings that inspires. something that people read and wish they could write like that. something that really makes a difference

or just mildly amusing quips. yes quips


----

so by living with ginger i have come to the realization that i am very jealous of her. and i am also realizing i am so insecure while being so secure at the same time.

-she is skinnier than me
-she is smarter than me
-she is funnier than me
-she has blue eyes
-she has more common sense
-she thinks for herself
-she has a family that eats dinners together
-she saves her money better than me
-i believe she is better liked by people
-she is taller than me
-she has smaller feet than me

i just feel like a big failure at life right not and im not really sure of how to change that fact. im slutting it up. i keep getting wasted by accident. i dont feel like im an interesting person, like i dont know why people like me. i dont want pity at all im just stating the facts. im not doing anything with my life. and im so insecure it bothers me! im not fat. why do i stress over that. if i was consoling a friend i was say.. dont be stupid you have so much going for you. you are beautiful. you do good at your job. you have a prospect in kelowna!( yay im so excited! ) you are going to school in january. you have a lot of fun all the time. you just got a new place with your best friend. stop thinking about other people. ginger has faults just like i do and everyone else does and everyone is different an stop bitching and change what you are unhappy about you idiot and just stop being a slut! its not that hard. godddd. holidayman has a show tomorrow and im pretty stoked about that. he is quite adorable in a ridiculously sexy way. i feel like shit i am so amazingly hungover today and ginger and i's way home was soooo funny hahaha i love that girl so much. and racist rob is pretty cool too. the skytrain is not. either is hidden washroom and starbucks when it makes me feel sick

things are going to come out differently

i have been influenced. i want to say things i dont want to explain them all i am doing is runnign in circles lieka retarded dog who thinks its tail is a toy. its not a toy its what waves around in the air after you take a shit. you could probably get sick from biting your tail all day long. i explain because i am scared to take that next step. say what i think. think what a feel. know what i feel. not altar what i feel. break the habit. i scare myself. i am so much smarter than so many people. who cares if im wrong sometimes. just say it. i dont think i like cooker i think i am using him as a temporary jacket until i find the one that fits me better. cooker is a good guy but i sneaking into bathrooms with him because its convenient and fun. for him its promising and he likes me more and more. and i am aware becuase i read ppl really well. and he is smart like me too so he knows how to hide it. but he doesnt know that ultimately i dont care how it works out cause i care more about how it works out with my lost jacket. all the way up north. so far away and holding my prized possesions like my ipod. fuck that shit. i am so unlucky. wallet, id, music, jacket, shoes, family, father, money, sense, ability, respect, faith, love. gone. who knows why i like to drink so much. and ppl laugh about it and smile. dont they know its pathetic. that i dont do anyting with my lfie because i am unhappy.; when i knwo that the reason i am unhappy is because i am doing nothiin with my life. and isnt that a circle that retarded dogs know all too well.. if they just stopped spinnign in circles they could sprint ahead and find that bouncing tennis ball. that brings them wagging tails and barks and joy. if life was as easy as a dogs.. then i would be bored as shit. i dont sleep even though i need to get up and do shit tomorrow but i know i wont but i should

things i should do
-paint the coffee cup
-write in here more
-find douglas courses
-do my laundry
-clean the kitchen
-spend less money
-get id
-be fucking thankful
-help kailey
-keg cup dance
-hanks
-stop saying things like "what isnt there another on in there?"
-i know there isnt another one and i lied cause i wanted it cause i was selfish


things i like about eel
-the way you look at me when you want me
-the way you are so happy falling asleep
-the way you laugh at the things i say
-the way you know i see through your barriers
-the wya you know we have something
-how when you laugh you look like a nerd
-you talk to strangers at the gas station
-you like primetimes
-you listen
-your interested
-youve gone travelling
-you talk back
-you grab me with force
-the way you want me so badly ad you show it
-your honestly
-your height
-the way you have my full attention even thoughyou live 5 hours away
-the way you have no idea how good we are for eachother
-how we talk like best friends on the phone
-how we can be short and we fully understand it
-you turn the knobs on my radio

i dont like
-how you dont talk on msn
-you dont always call back
-how you stopped talking to me multiple times
-you took a step forward and then turned around and ran the other way
-how you always have girls on the go
-you flirt
-you dont care if other ppl see
-you dont think like me
-you let things slide
-you dont dig right in
-you care more about you getting off than me
-you dont knwo where it is
-your too rough too much
-you talk about other ppl youve hooked up with
-your kryptonite

masks

"Did you know that the word "person" comes from the Latin word "persona", which means mask? So maybe being human means we invite spectators to ponder what lies behind. Each of us will be composed of a variety of masks, and if we can see behind the mask, we would get a burst of clarity. And if that flame was bright enough, that's when we fall in love. What's your opinion on these divine matters?"... from the movie 'war inc'

i struggle with myself constantly. and i realize how much i have to learn about myself everday. i am reminded that i need to support my own opinions and stop thinking about that the best option is and do the best option for me. and i need to start standing up for what i believe and and not letting things slide. and call ppl out on things. and not give ppl the benifit of the doubt. i feel fake. but i know im not. i just like making other people happy before myself. and ginger seems so confident in her choices all the time. because she just does what we thinks and sticks with it. she doesnt over analyze. i am jealous of that. and she has opinions on other ppl where as i tend to go along with what they think. yet i always do what i want to be doing. i just dont get it. am i supposed to? cause then what would i do next?

i feel like i am made up of many different masks. cute me. deviant me. serious me. flirty me. annoying me. bitchy me. are they all different parts of me? or can the real me shine through on all these occasions. its just that sometimes alot of the time i come home and im not happy with the person i have become. i feel like i can do better and im not being myself enough but i feel like i act like myself allday though. im trying to say i dont know who i am yet and that scares me especially because sometimes i speak with so much clarity it scares me. and i am so sure of myself and i think i am football fields ahead of others in this game we call life. who knows i guess were all just differnt colored gumballs in the machine. or just like snowflakes all pretty much the some yet so unbelievably different.


mgmt - time to pretend

shock me like an electric eel

sometimes things just turn around. and not for the better but not for the worse.

i randomly think about eel sometimes. about the would have and could haves. and the other day he said hello to me and said that he was thinking about me. and that he thinks we should take things a little more seriously and not just hook up randomly. i agree with this statment. cause ive always thought he was more than nothing. like i said he is my never anything but always something. myself ginger and musicman might make a trip to visit him. i want that to happen.

things get a little bit complicated and i let it.

i always get drunk and do things that i know i shouldnt have and then i wake up and wonder why i allowed myself to do that. and htne i say to myself i wont let it happen again and then as soon as i have another drink i decide oh well i will just get drunk again and then i let the same things happen over and over. am i on the train and the next stop is alohalism?

anyway, on halloween where you could say i was young and drunk and high i decided to be very forward. so i walked up to cooker and ask him if he would like to make out because i wanted to. just like that. and so we did. and i think that cooker is really an amazing guy and we connect alot and talk ver easily and have the same mindset about alot of things. we think like frogs and toads. the same yet different. and then the other night we both got drunk again and we made out again. so what i am saying is that i like cooker (i think) but i like eel more. and i know that i will choose eel over cooker anyday even though cooker is the nicer guy at the end of the day. and i need to figure out what is going on with eel before i do anything more with cooker. but i made out with cooker twice. so now does he think something is going to happen? i dont know how to get out of this situation but i do know that i am mature and need to be held responsible for my actions and i need to not lead cooker on because he is an amazingly nice guy. therefore. no more making out when we are drunk.

sweat it out

someone very close to me told me today that she has an eating disorder. this is something that i have been aware of the whole time. for years. it just makes me realize how much i care and it hurts me to see someone so close to me in so much pain over to many things. she is so lost but she knows exactly whats going on. the smartest girl.. issues is all aspects of her life. i wish i could be more helpful to her. i think the best thing is for me to be there for her and talk to her and tell her when i think she looks beautiful. it funny because right before she told me about this i was going to say that she looks amaziing. and i kept realizing all day long how beautiful she is and she cant see it. all she sees is ugly. i relaly hope treatment will help her, and i thnk it will. it hurt me so much for us to go to dinner tonight and then i know she went to the bathroom and puked it up after. i dont know how to help. but al i know is tha i love her more than anything in the world and will be there for her. the day she breaks up with him. if she needs someone to rant to. to yell at. to talk to about her family. school. worries. insecurities. i hop eshe knows that i am ther for her no matter what and that i will always support her and not judge her and i will remain a positive crutch in her life. and her legs are broken badly if not amputated. i will always be there for her and any way she wants to communicate with me in any way she knows how. i hope she knows i am there for her. life is such a funny thing when you realize who is so alike to you and who you will be there for no matter what. LOVE YOU

cuts

i dont cut. im nothing close to cutting. i dont like the way in which you have to reveal it. like showing your naked body. you are revealed in places that you dont expose and when you do its like your on a stage in front of a million people and the only spotlight is on you. you cant see anyone because your blinded by the light. everyone can see you but their emotions are hidden. your wrist is bent back. i hate that. cause everyone has to do that to reveal it. as if they are all the same. all have the same problems.

but dont they?

eel, mr. nothing, mr. something

so since i have broken up with dew i have hooked up with two people. one of them is irrelevant hes just the guy that ginger had sex with. and he is beautiful. lets call him mirage cause thats where we partied. he was just so hot so i mean i basically had too. but the other person i hookedup with is eel. i like to call eel my

never anything but always something.

i first hungout with him last summer when we used to chat all the time on msn and we had never even hung out before we just had one class at stm together and we barely even talked in that class. hes very cute.

hes six four. tall. tanned. very good looking. cocky. in the way that he knows hes good looking and that he can get away with alot. in the way that he knows himself and knows who he is and likes the person he becomes. but really he likes to know what other people think. and he isnt as cool as he makes himself out to be. thats okay though he knows it and i know it.

anyway.

one random night last summer we decide to hang out and he picks me up in his car and we go to the gazebo and we sit there and talk and talk and talk. we talk about everyting. we talked for at least 4 hours. and i have never even hung out with this guy before. and we are so open with eachother like we just say whats on our minds i rarely hold anything back or am scared to tell him something. i just like being straight up with him. i liked that night.

we preceded to keep talking and hanging out and i dont even remember the exactness of everything buti know we started hanging out pretty often and hooking up and i started liking him and me being a young girl i wanted something and nothing ever happened. and we stopped talking again for a while. we went to knocked up when it came out and we had a really good movie date and he told me that i make him nervous and i made him laugh and i felt just so comfortable with him.

then a month or two later we started talking again and then we started hooking up again. never sex. actually really just making out because i didnt want to hook up with him majorly and then regret it like i have done with other guys in the past. this time i know he was into it too. he was also hanging out wiht some other girls too though. this guy is a player and hes hot and other girls want him. i get that. just sucks for me thats all. id belying if i didnt have any flings in between him too. so anyway.

one night at musicmans house i was there with ginger and eel and we were all drinking and me and lee jumped downstairs and we were making out and he asked me if we should take things to the next level. not sexually. relationshiply . him being th eloser that he is and i know it sounds gay but this is when facebook was getting really popular and he was like so then to you want to make it its complicated É haha an di laughed and i thought that was funny and i asked him if he actually wanted to do that and he did and that night i slept upstairs at musicmans house with him and he still didnt do anything and this was the first time we had a sleep over and hes so cute and in the morning he kissed me to wake me up and it was all just so nice.

after that i changed my status on facebook from single to nothing. i wasnt anything i just wasnt single. i dunno if that changed anything but i didnt talk to him for liek two weeks. i texted him to hangout and he just didnt reply. he got scared. i was mad. he was so rude. dont say something like that to me and then just ignore me. thats just very rude. later on i hungout with music man and i went off to him about eel and music told me that eel told him that its different with me

its different with me. that eel says tings about me to him that he doesnt say to anythign else. that eel really likes me he just doesnt know how to not be a player and be single. i almsot understand except for the fact that it hurts me cause i really liked him.

again later i realized that i will never be able to be with this guy. i realize that its always going to be just fun with him. so we start hooking up again around xmas time. this is round three now. we always end up hanging out again. this time its new years night and he says he wants me there at midnight. that doesnt happen ahah but he ends up picking up me and ginger and he sleeps at my house weve probs been hanging out for a few weeks not this time. as he is leaving in the morning we says ill call you k and i know he wont and he leaves and he doesnt call.

that was january 1st.

-january 19th i made out with dew for the first time
-feb 9th to 12th was keg cup and me and dew hooked up the whole weekend.
-febuary 19 me and dew started dating
-june 5th me and dew decided to go on a break. and it was okay at first we didnt really make any rules
-june 7th me and eel hooking up and i slept at his house. TWO days after the break. dew will never know about this
-allthrough june and into july me and dew are hanging out alot and its all up in the air. i really like dew i miss dew and i still want to be with dew. and he lieks me too alot. but this is a whoel other story and the end of it is that dew doesnt want a girlfriend and he doesnt want to be with me and he treats women badly and im sad but ill recover.
-around the end of july me and dew decide we shouldnt hook up anymore
-around the end of july i go to eels house and he asks me if he asked me out would i be his girlfriend. i say probably yes but i dont really know. he says he will drive me home in the morning and then he doesnt cause hes running late for work. typical
-august 4th eel calls me and hes drunk and i pick him up nd take him home and he tells me hes tired of the single life and he wants me to be his girl and he wants to just sleep with me and hold me and that he wants to go out wiht me. i tell him id give him a chance of course but he needs to proved himself first.
-august 5 - 7th i go camping with bby keggers and me and dew tent it and we have sex but we also talk and i finally realize everything and that i better than it and even though i want to hook up with him in the run long its much better if i dont and i honestly dont think i will anymore.

now i wait and see what eel has to say for himself. of course id give him a chance we have had history for over a year. he is going to kelowna for school in september. he wants me to visit him. i said i might. i want to hang out with him. maybe tongiht if i dont go to the concert for rhode.

so now i just wait it out

that is the story of myself and eel

time passes

So I haven`t been on here for a few months for a few reasons.

1. I bought a paper journal because I decided it was more real. I feel like I as putting more of myself into that journal.

2. I also realized that allthough I have been pretty good about hiding the names I use people could still know who I am if they read it.

but in response.
1. in my paper journal I basically only talk about Jason thats really girly and stupid. I now remember that I first got this online blog because I can type faster therfore I can share more and be more expressive rather than just saying what i think i wan to think about the way i say it too. practice all my artistry and shit
2. who cares if people read this and know who i amÉ they would never confront me about anything and an the whole im not saying anything truely mean just things that i honestly feel.

i think im going to go on here more often.



lady gaga - just dance. (i know its lame but i like the song)

I also want to try to aim to go my whole without exhaggerating something or lying about something or saying something that i dotn mean. i do it everyday and it makes me feel like i dont knwo who i am when i do and i dont knwo why i lie to make other people feel happier. it doesnt make me feel happier.

wish me luck

Business Idea

I think that when I am rich enough, or maybe just when I need to decide what I want to do with my life, I would love to help make the earth less polluted. I want to make a business in which companies, buildings, homes, anyone, hires me and my team and we evaluate how much they coudl recycle and pollute less and use reusable materials and then we help make their place better for the whole world. Lots of people would be into it I think. I wish I had a business degree so that I could get started on it right away.

We could be like I see tha30% of all ofyour garbage is recyclable material. Here we have a tri-cyclan bin for plastics, paper, and waste.. And its the exact same size as your other basket! You just reduces 66% percent of your waste, how do you feel about that?


I hope I don't forget about this one.

days daze

It has been a while. And with reason.

I have been working my buns off and its PB and Jelly combination of hatetiredness and lovemoneyfuness.

I recently arrived home from California on a trip with two besties of mine K and T and it was soo much fun. So many experiences and I have decided that I need to move to Manhattan Beach one day because honestly it is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I felt so at home. The ocean, hills, local breakfast, small shops, close to the rich and famous, sunshine, sea salt, weather, peace.

We did so much there. I almost forgot to take it all in. I spent way to much money but I dont care THAT much. I know that when I remember the trip when I am fifty I will know I had an amazing time and forget how much money I spent there. Me and the girls got along great. And even thought I felt unincluded sometimes, I understood and it's so refreshing to hang out with different people and get away from life and worry and everything. I only felt left out because I noticed that when K got excited or something it would be immediatley to T that she would say something. Or with taking pictures, it was always take one of them two unless I suggested it. But then I thought about it and if ginger was there I would want the same thing probably. And they are both doing it subconsciously never purposly.

Right now I am working three jobs and recently found out I am working 12 days in a row. That is way toooo much

gotta get back to office job right now:)

Small Town Celebrity

So everyday everyone does something new. True statement.

I feel like a small town celebrity. That isn't quite the right term to use but I can't think of any other way to put it. I have this remembrance of this thought everytime I walk into my house. As I was down my long walkway covered in lushious red carpet 'cough' I mean doggydo covered cement. I realize that I am always lets italisize that for emphasis always coming or going I am never staying. Example,
She comes home from job at 11:30 only to pick up a few thing before leaving at 11:45 when her studly bf picks her up in his escalade 'cough' Harley Davidson F150 (still nice!) Only to locomote to her other place on the other side of town to take a shower and fondle until the raly hours of the morning. Upon sunrise, she wakes up a mere 7am only to go to her first jon for a few hours, go to ther second job from 11 - 2:30, then go to ther thrird job from 4:15 to 11:30pm only to reach home for a quite sleep and getting up at 6:45a. the very next morning to do it all over again.

Ok maybe not so celebrity, just a working joe or i guess jill, like everyone else. But the point is im busy! And everytime I am going into my house I am thinking about how I am going to be leaving again and what I need to pick up and do.

I just want to waltz into my house like it's my private dancefloor, twirling, shuffling, and shaunshmenting within the four corners. Living in the one song and dance without anticipating where my next shuffle may take me.

To bad I asked for the exact opposite.

There really cant be the best of both worlds in this case.


D.A.N.C.E - Justice ( all for you ott*!)

checkmarks are always different than eachother

okay so things i need to do and itll start small but i know it will grow!

boring:
-hem work pants
-get wine crank
-get cute shoes for cactus
-talk to cactus about missing sunday
-get care card from mom for cali trip
-buy lotion
-go through all my drawers and talk half my shit out of my closet
-clean my bed
-get jack johnson money from berkely, K, and spenny
-give mom the money i owe her on her visa: cali plane, jack johnson tickets, jay brannan cd
-drink more water
-



interesting!:

i have recently discovered something i have known all along
i am incapable of accomplishing anything that takes more than a few hours attention span
i cant study for the life of me
its just not in the books for me
i try i do
theres just no point
i am writing blogs and checking facebook
and i watched TWO movies today
i took like 2 pages of notes
pathetic
how am i supposed to get a good job if i cant study for a few hours
i might just fail english now to
yipeee

1 2 3 dont go

Today was a day just like any other.
No it wasn't.

I didn't do anything today. Nothing. So much happened.

I talked to fabolous. He calls dew mrbrown. I thought that was funny. I think fabolous and me are on the exact same page. I always think about him. He was my first. I cared so much about him. I still get butterflies thinking about him and I haven't seen him in over two years.

I haven't forgotten the sound of his footsteps.

He said that if he had a phone maybe he would have beaten mr brown to the punch. I say that that is a load of shit but the meaning is still there. He still thinks about it. He still talks to me on msn when there is no reason to talk to me. We could still be.

We could still be

Maybe in the future. That's what he says too. Maybe in the future we will see more of eachother and we could try. I think that is a good idea. But there is a lot of maybe in the future with alot of the guys I used to like alot and then they all one by one ditched me. But not fabolous actually. That was just an eventual fading of time. Fading of lives. Changing of lives. When I slowly grew up

I realized last night while I was telling dew how I was raped how bad it was.

I almost forgot.

And I still talk to the guy. For years I was friends with him. I’m pretty sure I let him take advantage of me again at his house and then I cried about it. He was such a dick to me. Spread rumours about things we didn’t do for no reason. Told people he planned to do it. Stole scouts phone. Stole money from his parents.

He stole my virginity.

My first time having sex I got raped by someone that I thought was my friend. And he told people that he had anal sex with me too. I know that didn’t happen. I know because I would be able to feel it. I could feel that he had raped me. It hurts. I would know if we had anal sex.

Maybe that’s why when me and stan and moth have our cosmo nights I talk so badly about anal sex. Maybe its all psychological and that’s why it creeps me out.

Dew is right I should never talk to the rapist.

I don’t know why I am so nice to people that don’t deserve my sincerness
- - - -

So lets change the subject. Kindof.

I’m just going to lay it all out there.

I went away to visit my family in a city that doesn’t matter towards the story except for that I wasn’t at home. And my two best friends from highshcool facebook me and tell me that they booked a flight to M and the flight costs 600 dollars and they are going from this date to that date.

At the same time my cousin has invited me to California with out friend Blanche (because she attends makeup school) anyway. I denied both because I just paid for a 400 dollar plane ride and I’m not rich.

Everything is cool

Then I find out that I have an exam after my friends go to M so I wouldn’t of been able to go anyway. Well then, good thing I didn’t buy the ticket.

Then I find out that for Cali, my flights there and back, my hotel stay, and my hotel is all 330 dollars. Half of what M’s flight is!

So I book the flight to Cali. And it doesn’t conflict with my exams. It is a beautiful opportunity.

And then I go on msn and Hilton doesn’t answer me. Oh btw my friends are in M right now. Oh yah and then when I go on facebook she has written on my wall “ you choose cali over m, the end, goodbye”

In her language that means I’m causing drama because I think that I know the whole story and I’m a big fat bitch and I like to bitch about my friends when they aren’t here. And when I come home in a week im going to isolate you and be bitchy to you because I think that everyone is as rich as me and can just afford to miss their exams and pay for a 600 dollar flight

Yah well suck it

Am I wrong?

Why do I feel so guilty about going to cali?

Hilton is so rude

I am not happy about it. And even worse that means ginger and blair are bitching about me too. Blair im not surprised and she will hear about it if I find out she was bitching about me. Ginger on the other hand I will just be so upset. SO upset. I hope she doesn’t break and bad mouth me. Her opinion means the most.

- - - - -

So anyways, on top of all of that I have my last exam tomorrow and my GPA is really low. Like close to failing low.

And I just want to give up

I am failing at university and I don’t know what to do with my life because I know I am capable. But of what??

Join the club right





Do you really know what its like – twisted ( I think its by him)

home

whenever I work. Like tonight. I always dread going home and I don't know why. And I always call mom and ask if she can pick me up because its only a 5 minute drive. and she says no all the time and her excuse today was " i'm already all settled at home here. nope. find your own way home. you chose this lifestyle" what?? i chose to work? yah i did does she want me to be constantly bumming money off of her? i dont think so. seriously makes me so mad! and i have an exam tomorrow and im so tired ive been out all day and no she is all "settled" fuck that noise.

and seriously i fill up with so much anger i can barely believe it and i sit on the skytrian and just fume and then i want to cry and i feel depressed only when im walking home. and thats not just tonight. its basically everynight that i wakl home from work.. i dont really understand it. but its not cool at all. and now i have an exam tomorrow that i am going to fail. also not cool at all. i wish i could fuck that noise.

and then as i was walking i saw this big truck and i always think of what it would look/feel like to just be plummeted by one. just be standing there and have it hit you at full force. how would the body fly??

and then after that thought i saw the moon and all the stars and i took a breath of fresh air and i felt so alive and the sky is so beautiful at night and it reminds me of moth cause the stars remind me of moth. so i tried to take some pics of the moon but it didnt work out to well but i felt better after that.

bi polar much?

sheryl crow and a cool new song out but i dont know the name of it.

tree branches are pretty

Moth and I are back on track! Very exciting news.. We talked it out today and everything is good and we agreed to stop fighting over such stupid things.. Because who knows why we were even fighting in the first place? Now when he goes away to school we can still be friends and I can visit him and everything will be good! YAY!

Also

I really need to learn how to study. I'm at the library right now.. Not studying.. Have an exam tomorrow. That's awesome. Going to fail.. Sweetlife.

the S**C A**z**g *ir** G**u* is so sweet! I am so happy that I made it but Gin&Juice needs to still join. That's okay there is still time for her to do it.


Moby - has some different stuff going on

padaPuke

I have officially decided that I a going to write in full sentences with semi proper grammar because it just makes everything look nicer, and maybe the people who read this will take it more seriously.

Firstly nobody even reads this but me
Secondly all I do is talk about dumb girly feelings most of the time and it must be really boring unless you know me and all the people I talk about.

I had a very odd night last night. I stayed at work for 3 beers and a baked garlic shrimp, and it was all very delicious. The appy really was one of the best ones I have ever had. It was so cheesy and juicy and uber uber tasty.

One might wonder why I'm going off about a little food.

Then Red and I locomoted first to the gas station to get a primetime because we are oh-so-hardcore and then we went to earls to meet Dew, Zam, Double, and Garth.. ALL ALIASES!

Form there I had a Hoagarrden, delicious as well. The equivalent of 1.5 to 2 beers I would say. A peppermint schnapps mixed with expresso vodka shot. also uber yummy, and a harvey wallbanger. Im guessing a double because Dew is just hardcore like that. OK so summary,

4.5 beers
1 shot
1 drink (double)

I guess it's a decent amount of alcohol but nothing that I can't handle because I really can handle a lot of liquor.

Somehow I ended up wasted, like don't remember shit from after the bar. Apparently we stole blankets. I jumped Dew in the car. Don't remember him at my house. I could tell that we had sex though. Now that I think of it I do remember him leaving. Oh yah, back to why im recounting this night!

So somehow in the middle of the night I vaguely remember leaning of the side of my bed and projecting baked garlic shrimp filled with three different cheeses, chives, chunky bits, bread, liquid, etc. (too much detail?) It ended up all over the floor in a neat little pile. So I got a bowl filled it with water and got most of it up I really did. Then. I suddenly wake up in my bed forgetting how drunk I was last night and I go pee. Come back into my room and notice the bowl is still sitting there.

It all comes back to me I puked last night! I never fucking puke. Seriously, only twice in my life. The night I lost my virginity, and officially hated barcardi white. And new years day.. That one was kinda weird. Oh yah, there was the night that I made out with DB. Who ended up murdering, ahem, stabbing, that kid in Vancouver.

Wow all of a sudden I sound really hardcore loser idiot token drunk girl.

Anyway back to the puke story. So as I'm cleaning up the puke I look over my right shoulder and see my camera (my beautiful artsy ugly big black beautiful camera) and notice the flash is still up. Well I wouldn't leave it like that unless I was drunk or something. Oh wait, I was drunk! Hmm... maybe I have pics from last night on here and I can figure out how I got home.

Turn on the camera.

BAM pictures of my sick ass puke! Like 5 pics... Now I seriously have to be the weirdest girl ever. Seriously. Who takes pictures of their own puke. I think my rational was that I would want to remember this, so I better take some pretty pictures of the pretty puke. I also even included a pic of me right as I'm cleaning it.. haha I am such a dorkus weirdo. I must be fucked in the head

Also I'm watching 8 Mile right now which brings back a lot of memories of the good old Richmond days with Fabolous. Fabolous because that was one of his favorite rappers, and then one night that I slept at his house we watched 8 mile. Not to mention eminem reminds me of LDP which also reminds me of RMD. and DPG. oh I love PFQ.



You make me fucking sick to my stomach everytime I think of you I..

..Puke - Eminem ... Thought it was suiting

i am being taken advantage of

Dew just called me and basically told me that I am picking him up later from his managers house. sweet. i know that he just assumed that i would because i could tell by the way that he didnt ask he just said so yah you might have to pick me up later. and then he just decides that i also have to drive his manager friend bt home too. why not be nicer about it. and at least pretend that you are interested in what i did today. kinda piss me off. but i kinda want to go and pick him up because then i get to see pie whom i haven't seen in a really long time and he loves me.

i got ridiculous drunk on friday with ginger and decided it would be a good idea to call moth and say fuck you. then he proceeded to walk all the way to my house and as i bawl my eyes out he can tell me everything is going to be okay. there was a moment that I DO remember even though i pretty much dont remember anyything we were talking about. we almost kissed. not so much almost as he told me to look at him. and i did. and we just kept staring at eachother. and i wasn't going to stop it. but he did. and he hugged me. cause i am a drunken idiot. and just do not understand. i think it really was like a friendship kiss. if it were to happen. in the weirdest way possible it would have been closure, of the fact that out friendship is okay and i will be okay. i dont know why i care so much, i have too. no matter what i just love the guy. and i just am not ready to end this friendship with him. everything just has to be okay with him or seriously my world ends. it ENDS, i have now officially cried my eyes out over a guy. that is my friend. i bet ill read this years later and think so myself silly me how did i not notice that im not in love with the guy and should just be with him already. and then i will realize that i already knew i should but for some reason something is stopping me.

and i know that deep down i could never fall in love with dew because i love someone else. and its just a fact


streetfight - hedley, so buy me the ocean and paint it with pretty little stars.

im so dissapointed in myself

so basically today i am feeling pretty pathetic

today niai came over to drop off a blanket and it just wasnt the same. it hasnt been the same ever since i told him i am going out with dew and it makes me so sad. and i cant believe he said that to britt and i just am at my whits end about what to do. we talked for about an hour just about random stuff and we can talk we really can and it was almost like old times. almost

but it was tainted.

there were lulls

and there is never lulls with us. its like the end of an era

i feel like its all my fault

its not like i can be mad at him. but i can be because he is also acting so stupid.. we just kept making little comments at eachother and i know he knows something is up. i know he is feeling the same way as me. but maybe its true, maybe we cant be friends if one of us has a boyfriend. i mean if he got a girlfriend i would be SO jealous so i cant even imagine how he feels right now. im not even going to try. i just hate the way that things are changing. i just feel like its never going to be the same. i hope that isnt the case though...

i dont really know how to co exist without being best friends with iain, and i hope i never forget all the amazing times that we had together. i just feel like shit i really do

and im so weak. i have a primetime and TODAY after he leaves i decide to have it. and now i am drinking a beer. alone. because i feel sad. that would classify me as an alcoholic i would say. whatever. im mourning haha.

i dont really know what else to say its just so sad


its cool, we can still be friends - bright eyes


that song always reminded me of you.. the stars are pretty dim tonight

no spice

I was walking around campus today carrying my laptop as if it was just another one of my textbooks. What if i dropped it? Its so weird technology! Who would of thought we would be this advanced it really does scare me sometimes.

ALSO

quote of the year, from the one and only faggot 'moth' yah right D6 YOU WISH

"its not like I even need to be friends with her, i have enough girlfriends as it is.."

enough said

seriously fuck you! you are soooo selfish and immature i cant even handle it anymore and i dont even want to try to repair this friendship because all you do is be friends with me when its good for you and you are doing nothing with your life and most impoartantly

that comment that you made to her deeply deeply hurt my feelings. i cant believe you coudl even say somehting liek that about our friendship.. what we HAD was so special and we have been through so much! and you just think its nothing like im just another one of your friens. well im not. i was your bestfriend. now i dont even know anymore. maybe some effort on your part would be nice. until then . peace have a fun life guess i wont talk to you later..

i really wanted to tell him about the dream i had and the dew was in it too but it was me and him the whole time and i know why is was but im not going to say it because then it is true and i dont want it to be. maybe you will go away to university and grow up and comeback a man and able ot eat without food allover your face and we can start all over and.......................

who knows

OK so first off i have been extra conscious of my weight recently.. i keep seeing my reflection every time i walk into school everyday and noticing my hips and i dont like it at all! i really want to get toned and into shape so as soon as i am out of school i want to go running and on that elliptical machine often... i could tone my abs so that they are nice for the summer and also my legs and ass a bit too. yep thats what i am going to do, maybe me and dew can go to the gym he says he wants to but im not sure how into it he is..

i am also spending way to much money lately! 115 this weekend! shit! i dont have money like that!

these are so boring i always think of shit to write and then when i get the chance to my mind goes blank and normal and i cant think of interesting ways to make boring shit sound fun. my hand is cramping as im typing this, thats kinda weird.

this is what i have to do in the next month/3 weeks:

ENGLISH
6-8 page essay on global warming
half page summaries on 7 different works
final exam

FPA
presentation on Quentin tarantino
6-8 page term paper on moulin rouge

CMPT
assignment 3 web page
final
lab 9

i think thats about it

but i work a lot and i have a boyfriend this is tricky

i need to stop writing blogs and avoiding homework.

ALSO
moth is a retard. he WAS being avoidy holy shit!!!!! but i don't care whatever our relationship is changing and i hate it and i know he hates it too he is just to immature to deal with it. W.E

** i need to make time to see Richmond people especially Kailey Melissa and Noah. NEED to i miss them. life is just tricky.

thugs mansion acoustic version - tupac

scout and stitches part one

scout = K

i am in Winnipeg right now with my awesome cousins and i really quickly just wanted to get this in because i don't want to forget. but every time i come out here with K things always surface that i have no clue about, and this is the girl and cousin that i have known all my life and love. so i want to ask her why i never find out about these things until we are with other family members i.e laura or Melissa or when she really is breaking down. i know were not as close anymore bu ti still feel like i share everything with her and i don't like that she doesn't confide in me because i feel like it creates a distance. and she stays strong and i know shes just keeping it in but i want her to tell me because i care about her.. i will expand later she is really close!

the gymstar, britney singing, buffalo loving, mother adoring, most beautiful person on earth

Hey Jennygym! I mean the J the center and the core of the three of us.



I miss you so much. I just keep realizing over and over that you are gone and I never took the time to see you more often. I never made the effort, and I missed out on the opportunity to learn so much about the way I should be living my life. I know this all sounds corny and fake but I mean every little bit of it.



Today I made necklaces for me and you and Kay. They really are beautiful and I am so happy that I got them for us because it means so much to me. I hope you can see them I hope you can feel how much me and Kay miss you. It's just so sad. And your mom is so amazing she is handling it so well. I hope you liked our lei. We made it pink for you. I was thinking about getting your dates tattooed on me somewhere. As credit to you and also as a reminder to live life to the fullest like you did. So many people should have gone before you it's just not fair.



Here are the pics of the necklaces, I hope you like them. Love you Forever.

myspace and music

okay so first off if i ever get the chance i would like to write an essay on music and how it is being revolutionized by websites such as facebook and myspace. It is pretty crazy how many new people not eve artists that are being recognized.. examples jay brannan, jeffrey star, the teenagers. they are all popular and have a huge fan base because of the internet. now you dont have to be on the inside to get popular in the industry just the righ tperson has to fall across your myspace profile or you need to comment on an artists site and BAM you are in.

on a second note, mr nothing texted me randomly today and i havent talked to him for a very long time this guy is so predictable! well kinda. yesterday at work mr nothings bestfriend the music man who had a crush on ginger came into the keg. and firstly i miss hanging out with that guy! he is so cool! and talented too i wish i could hear more of his music. but anyway, he must have talked to the mr. and told him that he saw me at the keg and then that must have gotten his wheels turning hence the text message today. and he even has the guts so say 'i was just thinking about you so i thought id see how you're doing' WTF haha really?? who says that. just because he knows hes smooth doesnt mean its going to effect me. but it does, i always think about that guy. i was just thinking about how i think about him and mr red hot daily, literally everyday. and also the one and only fabolous too just becuase he is the special one. but yah if mr nothing knew that i think about him everyday that would be so creepy! i always wonder if he is thinking about me but i guess not he only remembered me cause his friend reminded him that i exist. and PLUS he was totally creeping on blondie from work and apparently brought her flowers and he ALSO was trying to get hipsters sister back again AND was going for hipster befgore too.. what does he think? he can get every hostess at the keg? YA RIGHT! he can go for gwar cause she wants him she tells me everyday of her life. the sad thing is that i really shoudlnt be bothered or thinking about this or blogging about this at all because i have a boyfriend and should be happy with that. AND I AM, I really am so happy about it, but you just cant help to htink what if. i mean dew is so much better number one he isnt an asshole, he knows how to have a relationship and not ditch people. he respects me, he doesnt TRY to force me to do shit with him i just want too! hahaha and i know that he likes me, i never knew if mr nothing ever liked me cause he always had to keep that cool exterior on. dammit though i wish we relaly tried at it before i met dew because i think we would of had fun and it would of been a good time but W.E i liek th esituation i am in right now AND i stopped tecting him back!! yessss score one for me, he can think about me know looooooser

on another note im not talking to moth right now just becua seof life and shit and busyness but it really sucks i miss him and he doesnt have a cell so that sucks too. i really want go to his place in the states realllly badly! maybe when i get home from visiting my familyyyyyy

jack johnsons WHOLE c.d - sleep through the static

im obsessed he is so good and chill and i cant wait for beach and volleyball and beer and static noise in the summer its going to be sick brians

pinapple piss

i pee'd today and it smelt like pinapple juice

from the drinks i had last night with dew and the e coup. it weird how someone saying one thing can change your whole perspective. i was talking to K and i was sayign that i think it could last a really long time and i think itll be really good and we are so alike and etc etc and then now i heard that richard gave it 3 weeks and laura doesnt think its going to last a long time either and i dunno now i have doubts just because other people do. that sso weird and it really shoudlnt effect me liek that because this is mine and his relationship and they dont know how it is i do so why would their opinion matter anyway??

i thin i should just have the attitude that this thing is fun and its a first relationship and im just going to try and have as much fun as possible and try not to make it serious and think too much about it. i mean thats what i have done so far i kinda have just jumped into it and am just having fun..

i think the issues are going to be
-i dont spend enough time with him
because i have a life outside of bf town and i have friends and richmond and work and school and limited time as it is and i dont want to make my life all about him
on the other hand he did say that he doesnt want to be like that either so thats not a problem at all yet
-secondly he drinks ALOT like he always is drinking and getting drunk and i dont always want to party i really dont.
BUT it is good that he doesnt want to stay in and do nothing all the time and he is social and he did just hang out me and him on saturday night and we didnt drink or anythign so it was fine and i liek to drink too so maybe it wont be such a bad thing
-THIRDLY he drinks and drives all the time! and i am not going to be a controlling gf and tell him what to do that is his choice the problem is that he does it all the time and i get rides with him everywhere and i dont relaly see a way around it without causing a big problem or being annoying. that is his choice but if he does it all the time and thinks im allright with it thats not good and what if he gets in an eccident and what if im int he car with him. its just a really ahrd situation so we will see about that

other than that everything is relaly good! i like the sex even though it hurts a bit and i dont know if thats just cause i dont have sex all the time or if it cause my body is fucked up or what. but it doesnt hurt ALOT just a bit so i can deal with it... i need t listen to K and not give it to him all the time, but right now i want to! ahahah and its hard not to! so we will see i think the most important thing is to not let him take advantage of my nicenessa nd my softness i am going to have to take a stand about some things and stay strong but WE WILL SEE so far so good and hes cute and he makes efforts and he actually likes me!! and we get along great and we talk great and he actually thinks im funny thats a rarity! soooo no complaints but its only been just over a week ahha so who the hell knows what im talking about next week we could be broken up

eamon - fuck it HA me and dew's song....... NAAAAAAt

i just wanted to say that i like the feeling of having some one i like like me back.. i think this may be the first time that i actually know for sure that he likes me.. i really hope this works.. i have alot to learn in the relationship department. but i feel really good so far.. and nearly no issues have come up with friends except for ginger getting drunk and yelling and being sad which i TOTALLY GET i would die and be quite depressed if i was her

no time to expand i have a paper to write!

kings of leon.... anything they are awesome

shes gof a bfffffffff

feb 18th sealed the deal! mostly wants to write it here so i dont forget the date for all the fake sentimental anniversaries and shit like that.. i know its only three days later but me and dew have been hanging out everyyyyyyyynight! ahah not sick of him yet! hes awesomeee i didnt think i could find someone more party than me too! i went to bed at 4 last night and then had to get up at 745, NOT FUNNNNn but worth is cause i like snuggling with de dewww hes a really nice guy and yah it all happened really fast but i am happy about it! i just really want to change my facebook status and get the word out thereeeeee cause then its for sure official i mean it is official like for sure but then it would just be official to the worrrlddd. he needs to change it first though because his status is single and mine is just nothing! and im scared to do it first! he is cute though! and i like his friends.. i really dont want to lose my friends! poor crocodile he took it pretty well tho, like really well haha but ill never really know cause he wont open up about all of that shittttt

i NEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDD foood ttyllll!!!

borderline - buckcherry .. a w e s o m e sunsetstrip dirty rock band i love love love it!

full circle and the cycle continues exactly a month ago i was thinking about suicide

mountain dew leads to death

yah so i havent been here in a while

it has been a fucking shit show lately!!! i mean sometimes o wonder where i have been and what ive been doing and is it worth my time?? alll i want to do is chill and get all my music done which had been the goal of my fucking life and i just get preoccupied catching up on my fav boy band freak WHICH i just found out sadly the truth about which i was denying for so very long.

yes jake well i ran into matt who knows you form the inside and yes jake you really do fuck around dont you? poor girlfriend oh im sorry i mean wifey shes so nice to you! i was just watching your canadian idol videos she relaly loves you i remember i was talking --lie--- i caught it!

but anyway im disappointed but as disappointed as i may be i would still party with you and solely for the reason that i wouldnt ask you the questions everyone else asks you i would ask how you are feeling and what you think of the randomest and most important things there is.

right now all im really thinking about is dew and ill probably change that nickname as time goes on cause i feel like he might stick around for a while so funny the way he asked me out i was actually laughing in the lab and everyone fricken looks at me like that stupid girl whos all caught up in a boy except im only half caught up. he is cool and i do like him but i just cant help thinking all the what ifs and if there is something better out there i was thinking this as i was leaving trash campus and i was thinking maybe i dont want a bf and yes that is WAY down the road but im a girl and i think about these things. and its not fair to judge me of all people should know that i have a fucking scar on my body because of it. and also i have never done this sober with him i think itll be fine tho dinner should be fine im soooo nervous ive never gone out to dinner before!!! ive gone a to movie with mr nothing before i guess that counts but nothing like soooooo dateish like jesus!!! i hope it goes well.. i guess we will see. i keep getting the heeby jeebies thinking about it so i guess thats a good sign.. im just so nervous for the sex part! i dont want to be bad! and i know i wont until i feel like the time is right, could this be it? who knows im blabbing

and then on the other hand but the hand that is lower but this attatched to me is mr red hot i mean allll were doing in texting i mean its nothinggg its nothinggg but i know its there he invited me out to dinner with him and hes so cute but i think dew is the better catch and i dont want to play these people i dont want to do that cause it just makes everything so hardddddd

and fricken moth whatta dumbass now that i think about it! why would he do that why would he put me in a position like that he is totally taking advantage of me AGAIN why do i not care seriously like i just let him do this shit. pretending to be me and texting a totaly creeper and hes so scary and dirty! what if i saw him on the street and he attacked me or something it could happen it really could and if that day ever comes i home he feels like shit about it. WHY DID I SAY THAT TO HIM i honestly dont think that i did. why would i say that! its the exact opposite of the way i feel! who knows but hes coming over later so ill speak to him then im all tell him that that wasnt right that he did that without my permission.

too much partying now that im 19 and not so much focus on school or cleaning my room for that matter

i feel unoriginal and i skipped my photography class and i feel really guilty about missing it but oh welllllll itll be kind of emabrrasing going into that class and not having very much to show but i guess ill try and go in on wednesday and close my eyes and cop a feel of my way through it. i really just want to find that story i wrote in religion in gr 12 it was a really good one and it was right in the middle of when i was sad and all my true feelings came out and i was surprised at how beautiful it sounds

i come out of my lecture on the 5th floor every mon wed and fri and i look over the edge and i think about jumping every time lately ive been thinking that alot i think about what my funeral would be like and what people would say about me and what their reactions would be and who would show up and everything like that.

i like keeping up but its just so hard to do everything and get everything done at the same time

paramore is fucking good
but more so justin nozuka is playing tomorrow night and im missing it for a boy oh me oh my!! DEW your in for a wile ride and i just need to remember not to push it and to play it cool and not get too attatched or at least not show it cause that pushes him away i gotta make him work for it, i think i can do it but study and room cleaning time for me

arrividenchi! i wish ginger played vball with me yesterday it would of been fun.

mashed potatoes

we take so many things for granted

on friday i was taking the skytrain to work and as usual and while i was coming down the escaltor onto 8th i see this girl dressed all in raggedy black clothes looking like a punk with bright pink hair that had grown out a few inches and numerous piercing covering her forced smile. i think to myself as i am slowly descending upon her why the hell is this girl asking randoms for money. she can afford piercings and hair dye, shes just another druggie that is too lazy to make an effort and change her ways. im so above her literally and physically. what kind of person thinks this? the priviledged of course. this all happens approx 430pm

11 oclock comes around and i am cut form work. and as i am walking to the skytrains i see the same girl standing in the same place looking lost in the same way as she did before. shes so zoned out and not in tune at all.. i cant believe i just worked a full shift, all annoyed because im tired and this whole time this girl has been outside in the freezing cold with only a sweater as im chattering my teeth and im wearing a huge feather filled jacket.

i almost just forget the moment and retreat up the escalator and go to my warm home. but i dont i go up to her and explain that i work at the keg and ask her if she would like me to get for some food. a little light flashes in her eyes and she looks so gratful but doesnt really show it. i go bakc and get them steal a fork from the bussers when they arent looking, dont tell anyone, and i go back and give it to her. as i come back she actually apologizes to be for being out of it and accepts the mashed potatoes gratufully. 3 mintutes of my life and she had some food, some warm food. some food that i get for free everyday and complain that im sick of it

i hate the order of the world and i realize this as i climb my way to the platform to go home. tears come to my eyes for no specific reason and i just dont understand it all. i think everyday after i leave work im going to take some g mash with me and see if somebody wants it. if not ill just take it home with me..

its just one of those things i dont want to forget. just like my tattoo you cant forget that everything has two sides to it and i erally should treat everything and everyone fairly. that poor girl and i actualy had anger towards her because she dares to ask me for some money. everyone has horrible lives. ive suffered a lot and i am still sooo priviledged. i catn even imagine what it would be like, how it would feel to have to ask strangers for money. maybe she is on drugs, maybe she isnt, i hope if she is she gets off them and i hope that she gets warm food evrynight.

mr big. im the one who wants to be with you

pain

i realized today there is two types of pain. there is the kind of pain where you are physically injured sometimes to the point of losing consicousness

there is emotional pain. the pain of losing someone forever and never being able to see touch talk and create with ever again. does this pain hurt and injure? of course and in such a strong and powerful way. i cannot believe the pain i feel right now for jen simpson. it is the weirdest sensation ever and i constantly feel empty.

today i was thinking about her and rush of shivers ran up and down and throughout my body
i really do belive she knows of all the people that are thinking of her and loving her as much as i do

you dont really know what youve got till its gone

your gone jennygym and i hate myself for being selfish and not making the time to stay in touch with you. i love you so much and i cant wait to see you later. ...

bertuzzi naslund scores!!!!!!!! KJN forever.. ned ed and fred miss you too.. no words can express

you will never be replaced and you have left numerous footprints on my heart

Jen Simpson

One of my former best friends died today in a car crash. i love you jen and i am going to miss you so much.





no words can express
01.27.08

movie

i thought of this idea for a short film or if i would ever be talented enough to figure out how to actually make and edit a movie/film.

it would be about little things nothing too substantial and there would be two main characters and one would be really excited about something and everytime they speak or think etc everything woul dbe heightened and fast paced and exciting. the other character wouldnt be excited about it in fact they would be dreading the circumstances and everything would become dark and slowpaced and dead. they would shows and express the idea that the world and certain things in this world may be very important to one and may not matter in the least to another. it would express how people feel and how those feelings can change so quickly

to the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world

cheers

its funny how fast feelings change. one minute you hate someone and then they do something funny and instantly that rage is gone. that rage that makes you want to kick them in the balls. when your thinking i cant wait to never speak to them again. its all gone and sympathy and empathy and benevolence replaces it. that care is back. and you share a laugh. all hurt feeling are lost.

i no longer feel depressed thank god. im not back to happy. no where close. this isnt an instantaneous change. im in the grey area. deciding whether or not to care. whom to care about. why not focus on the happy things. the sunshine in a tornado of ridiculously bad news. the wink of all evil stares. that girly girl enjoying a pop-punk concert filled with 12 year olds moshing and flipping their wet lg hair all over the place.

its all just empty, like whats the point? why care when i know i wont care later on. why download all these songs when i will forget about 95 percent of them in the next 5 years. why go to sleep when i know i will still be tired the next day. what is the point. why even try and get up early so i can go to school and finish reading the story im supposed to read, when i know im going to press the snooze button until im late for my class. why wait and not go further when thats all i want to do. all i wanted to do is have sex with him, and i didn't and i am so happy that i didn't because i didn't invest all that emotion. thats contradictory. 'just do what you want and what feels right'. thats what i said before. well what if it doesnt feel right later? what if i want to do something even if i know there will be consequences.

mr red hot is back in the picture. texting chatting planning meeting rendezvous. i gout get that. again. do i want to? what about fabulous? birthday coming up. i want that kiss. i want that connection, i need it, i think about it everyday. i havent seen him in over 2 years and i think about him almost everyday. i think he does too. in the way he talks to me. i can feel it. we really do have something. i still want red hot. i knows it bad. Thank Goodness noname isnt in the picture anymore. noname because i cant even think of somehting to associate him too. its mr red hot because everytime i hear a certain red hot chili peppers song i think about that time he picked me up and we went on top of that mountain and held hands and he was scared of the dark. of that time we went and for gross pizza and then soberly kissed, and i understood that meaning expressed in novels. that weak in the knees butterflies all over, time stopping kind of kiss.. thats mr red hot. i should start hooking up with mr red hot again. the writer told me so. we will see i will make a split second most likely drunken decision

its crocodile/moth because thats how we say goodbye, and moth is what happens when you get drunk and text the person you love the most, i could write a short story about this dude. a complete chapter in my life. the type that you tell your kids about when you are older.

its ginger obv cause of the red, its the stripper name, which explains our friendship, i can go crazy with here. all those 'stories' come for adventures with this girl. yah she may be self conscious, who isnt? shes getting better.

blair my new name that me and ginger came up with. mostley because she has changed and i always speak negatively of her. i love her. i do. but i get bored. and she judges and it makes me angry. these locks will always be unique and i will never forget or lose her she will always be there

loving the fake names its mysterious but the danger is i know that if someone i knew found my secret blog they would know exactly who i am and who i am talking about. theres more secret names, and now when i new one is intro'd im going to explain why they are named so.

say goodnight and go - imogen heap

the good cries

i need a good cry. i dont have time to explain my sadness as of the moment. i could have cried yesterday after my dad dropped me off but i was at gingers house and its embarassing being so weak. i could have cried 20 times at dinner, at least 6 times at cheer. and at least 5 times today. i hate this feeling of impending depression. its sinking in i can feel it. i dont want to be depressed i hate it. and life just carries on. i need to to slow down and fade away... and stop thinking about the s, it is not an option.

just keep smiling and people will think your allright

i owe little sweat shop kids money

i was standing on the skytrain today and noticed that i do this at least once every couple days. i add up how much every i am wearing costs and its crazy! here was today:

classic black adidas shoes - 80$
socks - 3$(approx, who know show much socks are your mom buys them for you, mine are pink and fuzzy incase your wondering.)
jeans 25$
black beater - 20$
blue shirt - 15$
star hoodie - 40$
jacket - 145$
bag - 30 $

that equals 325$ of shit! and im not even including my bra or undies or elastics! not to mentionm how much the makeup and lotion and perfume i sprayed on myself costs, or my necklace and my ring, and how much i spent on my tattoo, and the nailpolish i bought just for shits and giggles.

we spend so much money its ridiculous, i do this everyfew days and then am sad for a total of 1 minute thinking about all the poor people in the world that have so much less that me. then something catches my eye and i forget about it completely. sometimes i wish i cared more.

the situation

okay so just so that you have an idea of this one i will in a nutshell explain mine and moths relationship..

we have been best friends for almost three years now and for at least the past 2 years moth (aka crocodile) has liked/loved me as have i. the only problem is that i love him as a friend and its just one of those things where i cant bring myself to liek him enough to take it to the next step and risk the friendship. this moth doesnt always know how to handle situations and so a couple times he has completely stopped tlakign to me or avoiding me because he thinks it will help him get over me. SO he has done it again and i have decided that he cant take advantage of our friendship liek that SOO this is what i would say to him if i wasnt so nice and i actually told people what i think of them

you are such a piece of shit for thinking that it is okay to treat people like this. just as soon as things get a little bit hard for you you just ignore or avoid me becuase you think that will help you get over me. let me remind you its not MY fault that you like me and even if you want to take it out on me you cant becuase thats unfair. you got yourself into this situation just as much as i put you in it. yes YOU ARE IMMATURE i have told you that so many times. ive waited around for you to figure your shit out many times now becuase your too immature to deal with your problems in the right way and you knwo that i wait becuase you are the most important thing in the world to me. but i wont let you take advantage of me anymore like that. so rude and inconsiderant. i not going to be here anymore when you decide that your not 'busy' anymmore and you can be my friend again because its convenient for you. you are such a pussy little bitch in the way you handle your problems and it makes me sick how you would down talk to me to your friends when you know that i havent done anything wrong. i can make it without you. itll be hard and its going to suck alot becuase i care so much but i dont want do deal with you and your immaturities anylonger. i cant believe you think your actions are justified. learn to TALK you retard. i have been such a good friend to you and you know i would be there in a second. now i cant go to you when im going throug a crisis of my own because your own head is SO BIG that you think your problems are the biggest in the world. im no longer going to go to you anymore or share things or be close friends with you or be there for you, you have ruined that. i have friends that appreciate me and treat me with the respect i deserve, so sincerely suck it and fuck you.

never thought id see the day that i didnt want to talk to him

wedding bells, visas, and frovers

so i found out today that my dad is getting married to a Japanese woman that is not a Canadian citizen. she lives in japan and she doesn't speak English and she smells bad and she wears weird clothing and she doesn't understand me when i ask her very simple questions. my dad says he loves this woman. how can you love someone with a language barrier like that? how can you love someone you have only known for 2 months. my dad is crazy. i am really upset about this whole thing. way more upset than i thought i would be. my eyes kept welling up at work today and i couldn't stop myself. its so weird how if someone is your family for some reason everything is such a bigger deal. my dad and i don't talk really any more. ever since i moved in with mom and i don't see him on a regular basis. even when we were living in the same household i didn't talk to him about anything in specific but i still saw him every once and a while and he knew what was going on in my life. every since i moved out i never see him and he has no clue whats going on in my life. and then he has the nerve to tell em that i only ever call him when i need something. for the record i don't EVER call him for when i need something because i would never steep that low as to ask him for something i would rather get it for myself.anyway, dad was just going off on the phone today about how he is so happy and everything in his life is just so wonderful . i don't understand how everything can be so awesome when you never talk to your kids. me and my dad literally dont have any relationship at all any more. we had to meet up so that i could switch my phone over and he didnt ask me a single question about what is going on in my life. he is so self absorbed i cant stand it. i know its a two way street but even if i made an effort like asking him to go out to dinner he would obv go but then after that no call woudl be made to do it again. and at dinner he wouldnt talk to me about anything but himself. and i should HAVE to make the first move.. i am his daughter but he is my dad he can call em and ask how im doing and he doesnt. he doensnt know what courses i m taking in school or what boys ive been dating or anything that is of any importance to me at all. i wish i had a family like gingers. her family is so good and she loves them so much.
i have a retarded dad marrying a mail order bride and he is so dumb he doesnt even realize it. i have a brother who is turning out to be just as rude as dad who has no respect for anyone and takes advantage so people right left and center. did i mention he has a weed addiction and is almost failing gr 12 at the easiest school with the easiest schedule ever? i have a mother with a boyfriend in winnipeg that is her life and she is crazy at times but i really do love her. i dont know what i would do without her even though we fight all the time and she is so god damned stupid about so many little things. its so hard when everything around you is falling down. there so many people out there with lives so much worse than me and i shouldn't be complaining like this. its just, you know those days when you feel depressed and all you want to do is cry and make everything so away. this is one of those days. and ive been having these days a lot more often lately. i dont want to become depressed like i was before its not fun for anyone and it isnt healthy.

crocodile isnt being talkative to me and i miss him and it makes me so sad that we wont be close. i understand that he needs to get over me. i get that. i get that its hard o get over someone when you see them all the time. i understand that we cant be as close because its too hard for him. i get it all. i just wish it didnt have to be this way. because i care about him so much and i still want to see him all the time. i wish we could just be friends but itll never work. i miss him and i wish we could be like we used to be. i have ginger, i love ginger, but theres nothing like alligator and crocodile time and thats all i wanted tonight to get cheered up because if anyone could cheer me up it would be him.. and usually when something personal happens to me like this he would be the first person i would call and now i cant. just like how when i ran away i called him. now if i ran away i couldn't call him and that makes me so sad i hate the way things change i hate it so much. i wish i loved him the way he loves me it would make everything so good but i cant do it and it makes me so sad. i know its selfish but i need him around me and in my life. i would be there for him. if he called me i would be there i would listen and i would be his friend he has been my number one for so long i dont want to let him go. i know i have to. i cant force him to want to be friends with me. i hope me misses me and that i mean as much to him as he does to me. alli can do is hope. its all out of my control. nothing is in my control.

you are the music in me

i wish i had a whole day that i could spend organizing alllll of my music so that all the titles and artists are correct and make my playlists and just listen and chill

but i have to print out books and read books and shower and ice my broken nose and make plans about partying and talk on facebook and catchup with old friends and fret about the people i love and be tired and nap and sleep and avoid sleep

i guess its all my choice though instead of writing this pointless post i could be organizing and downloading matt good. or jay brannan. i wish jake would show all of his acoustic shit or make an album of it or something cause i would LOVE it.

i have a border on the along the top of my room that i painted with chalkboard paint and i put the following quote and little things that i like for some reason or another, they are as follows:
-life is all about the things you'll never figure out-
-realize your faith through fate-
-the faster i let go of everything i cant change, the harder i fight for what i can and i will, the harder i fight for what i believe and love-
-live, love, laugh-
-buy me the ocean and paint it with pretty little stars- - because i love crocodile and i miss him. as annoyed as i get at times, i want him around for a very long time.


maybe tomorrow, love will save the day

sharing

i tried to start reading frankenstein and got maybe twenty pages in. then i wandered around campus and found my new favorite spot. this campus is beautiful! so many places and niches that tiny litte organisms os humans in this world can sit and study, reflect, read, fart, think, daydream, doodle, whatever the hell they want and no one talks to you. i think i may just find myself in whalley this semester and grow up a little bit more

but now for the purpose of the program, im completely compelled by aheartbreakingwork.blogspot.com. its jakes of my favorite band and obsession hed-o-ley and i am going through every single one of his blogs and have been for the last little while and they are so beautiful and inspiring and its not just because i relaly like jacob. its because he is an amazing writer and has the crazy capability to expell emotion from himself that i dont even think he realized until he started writing it down. my eyes well up reading this shit. i literally laugh out loud in the middle of this sfu library and people including the homeless man to my right, sorry left im dyslexic, all look at me funny like im an idiot for being amused.

my point is that i enjoy reading this so much but all i can think about is telling bliar about it (code name! love you ginger!) and i shoudlnt need to depend on blair to make this real. i dont understand why i wont let myself fully enjoy reading the blog and getting everythign i get out of it. i knwo that she wont appreciate it in the same way as i do. I''ve told her at least 3 times about it and she still hasnt looked at it. if someone especially one of my best friends told me something that they emmensly enjoyed i would be intrigued to see it because it makes them happy and it makes me happy to see them happy therefore i would liek to see what exactly makes them happy and reflect on it and think about it and grow my evergrowing respect for poeple like my friends that i admire. but i dont really admire blair anymore. she is changing. no she isnt. i am growing and making realizations that i avoided and did not see previously. i still want to tell her about it even tho i know it wont effect her in the way it does me. its just the person i am i guess. i wish blair coudl grow and realize and get out of her mind where she is rular of all that is right.

just like i thought typing all of that out made it make sense in my head BUT STILL i want to tell her wtf. and yes i do relaly enjoy his blog but it isnt my life im just using it as an example to explain the way i feel about myself and blairs relationship. however in reality im trying to covor up the fact that i am completley obsessed with jacob H and i dont know why i woudl try to hide it on this. nobody knows who i am and im using code names and no one reads this but me so WHY DO I STILL CARE. i guess truth and time will tell

.thanks audrina of the hills speaking to the bad boys i so dearly love and hate.

JC, the neanderthal that opened my eyes

So im all upset and grumpy about having to wake up early and go to my english tutorial, i arrive at school like the loner i am all wet from having the trucks driving past me on the way to school spray me with their grainy rain filled shit liquid. i even get to the classroom before the teacher! at least im awake now. i first i thought he is a student but he goes to the front of the classroom and i take in his size. hes at least 6'2'' and looks as if the extent of hes evolution hasnt quite caught up to society. his forehead protrudes a little more than usual, and he has large muscular shoulders, a wide stature, that big guy you wish you had to hug you when you needed it most.

as he begins to speak i am instantly and completley intrigued by him. he speaks with such a need to be listened to . thank god im actually awake because i am so enthralled by him. i could listen to him speak for hours upon end, because he speaks as if he is obsessed with life. even tho he is only introducing himself and making a bit of small talk because it is the first tutorial and only half of us are here, i can tell that he is a highly educated and intelligent individual. the way in which he speaks about society and the human being, books, hand made shoes, synthesized flesh, mcdonalds, we cover it all! and it makes me want to learn. i now realize why it is so important to like and enjoy the teachers you have becase you end up getting so much more out of the course. i wish he was teaching the lectures... i am so attracted to this man. he is not especially good looking but it doesnt matter. he is so sexy in the way he expains the simplist and most dull subjects. the way he is excited that he bought his ugly black and red shoes from a guy that hand made them himself, the way he absent mindedly plays with his odd necklace and ring as he speaks. its as if it is little windows into his intimate world. i start to day dream about what he is like out of the classroom setting and how he would act when enjoying a pitcher with his buddies. are they those geeky intellectual guys that get drunk and go off on tangents about the meaning of life, or what makes one human? maybe. but he looks like a football player that used to get drunk and break shit as a teen. all i know is that i want to know more

on a completley different and random topic. i have decided i am going to try and 'blog' as it were more often. it is a good outlet and as jacob says it is a good way to bleed. by talking about my feeling and my little everyday realizations i think i will look back on this and smile for if i didnt write it all down it would be forgotten and never resurfaced. ill remember hte important events everyone alsways does, at least bits of it. but i want to remember the little things because i have always believed they are the most important. it will also be good to gt used to writing, writing my opinion and being able to rant can only be beneficial i believe. at least i can empty my mind to that i will have more space to focus on broing subjects such as writing papers and learning the commands of they internet. on the other hand it may just be me procrastinating because i should be reading frankenstein for english but its just too old english and boring, im sure itll get good. i mean its all in the interpretation not so much in the words itsself. with all this time up at school im sure that i will be makeing at least dual weekly posts or blogs or whatever it is you call it. however for now i need to check my facebook and respond to crocodiles short and boring and completley uncharacteristic message which makes me feel empty and unwanted because he always wants to hang out wiht me because he likes me and now when he doesnt want me anymore i want him to want me. how DUMB. im reading to much into it. or am i?