focus

i figured out why i prefer photographs to real life/digital pics
cause only one thing is in focus in real life when you look at it.

and then in digital cameras everything is in focus. this is not what we see with our eyes so that is why it is not personal or the same as real life. this is why i prefer pics like the above much closer to what we see with our own soulspots.

this post is far too rushed but i needed to get the idea out and it is 5:10 in the morning eek!

Counseller? Spelling?

I am going to seek out a counseller at my school tomorrow and I need to sort out my thoughts becuase I only get three sessions before they decide if I further need more help. And I can't afford to talk to a real one AND I don't know if I really need help in the first place. I feel like some problems are stopping me from continuing to evolve as a person. I think?

-I have unsettled issues with my dad. I really do feel hate towards him and I know that it is justified but it is so strong. I dont want to confront him but feel that I should. About him never needed to talk to his kids. His new life. His selfishness. No good memories of him at all growing up, or maybe the negative ones are just overpowering them. No respect for him, possibly steming from the time he threw me only my bed and hurt me that time that he told me to leave the house if I didn't want to follow his rules and then I agreed and decided to leave

-Mom constantly letting me down. Never following through on plans. Taking her problems out on me. Saying mean things to me. Using me.

-I don't think I can rely on anyone. K has way to many issues and I normally would but the focus should be on her when me talk. Ginger, the closest one of anyone, she does understand a lot and listens to me anytime I need to talk. But of course she cannot relate to these issues and sometims is vacant even though she tries to understand. Obviosuly not my parents. Only myself and my thoughts in a spiraling circle

-lesbionic thoughts? not sure? The whole event at KC. How I am attracted to G but at the same time I am not. I think it may just be that I care So much about her but I keep noticing these little things and I'm not even trying to. I think it's just my brain fucking wiht me. But why did I do that? It's just so weird and I dont know how to deal.

-Rape. Was it rape? Why do I want sex, but when it happens there is a void. I want it to be over. I think I am doing something wrong. I want to satisfy the other person much more than myself. Sometimes I want to myself. I wish I could be like Ging and just want ot experiment and explore and try new things but it is scary and I cant change that . Will it ever change?

-What the F to do with my life I am going nowhere, but I am going somewhere just not really exactly where I want to be

There is something else that the hell is it?

On one hand I think I am just another young adult that has issues just liek everyone else. Are mine more severe? Can't I just figure all of this out on my own? Am I being selfish and narcissistic to think that I need to go for help cause I'm special or something?

MaMa Moo`s Prompt - Normal is...

Normal is Normal.
Is normal the average waist size? Are you un-normal if your bigger or smaller than the average? If you want to look at it statistically then normal would be the average wouldn't it? Good thing the world doesnt work that way.

Normal is you.

Normal is how YOU deal with your daily struggles, your traumatic experiences, your friendships and family.. Normal is your life because everyone's life is different so how could we possibly settle on the norm. I've thought the word normal so many times in my head that it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. Is it normal that a someone has the capacity to kill numerous people? It isn't to me but it's just another day in the life of a psychopath serial killer.

The issue with the norm is that it's a constant flucuation, and it will never rest in one spot. It will always be just out of your grasp. Once you accept yourself AS yourself and everything you are, you will realize your normal. And once you have this, the world is yours. You can never be everyones norm, so always create your own and go from there.

One last thing. Never be Normal, Be Exceptional.

elahni elahxe

I suck you in


You suck me in


I steal your life


I come in many shapes in sizes


I will cost you thousands


You hate me


You need me


I solve you`re problems


And give you bigger ones


You wish you never met me


I infect you


I am slow motion suicide


Please put me out