i realized today there is two types of pain. there is the kind of pain where you are physically injured sometimes to the point of losing consicousness
there is emotional pain. the pain of losing someone forever and never being able to see touch talk and create with ever again. does this pain hurt and injure? of course and in such a strong and powerful way. i cannot believe the pain i feel right now for jen simpson. it is the weirdest sensation ever and i constantly feel empty.
today i was thinking about her and rush of shivers ran up and down and throughout my body
i really do belive she knows of all the people that are thinking of her and loving her as much as i do
you dont really know what youve got till its gone
your gone jennygym and i hate myself for being selfish and not making the time to stay in touch with you. i love you so much and i cant wait to see you later. ...
bertuzzi naslund scores!!!!!!!! KJN forever.. ned ed and fred miss you too.. no words can express
you will never be replaced and you have left numerous footprints on my heart
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Jen Simpson
One of my former best friends died today in a car crash. i love you jen and i am going to miss you so much.
no words can express
01.27.08
no words can express
01.27.08
Thursday, January 24, 2008
movie
i thought of this idea for a short film or if i would ever be talented enough to figure out how to actually make and edit a movie/film.
it would be about little things nothing too substantial and there would be two main characters and one would be really excited about something and everytime they speak or think etc everything woul dbe heightened and fast paced and exciting. the other character wouldnt be excited about it in fact they would be dreading the circumstances and everything would become dark and slowpaced and dead. they would shows and express the idea that the world and certain things in this world may be very important to one and may not matter in the least to another. it would express how people feel and how those feelings can change so quickly
to the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world
it would be about little things nothing too substantial and there would be two main characters and one would be really excited about something and everytime they speak or think etc everything woul dbe heightened and fast paced and exciting. the other character wouldnt be excited about it in fact they would be dreading the circumstances and everything would become dark and slowpaced and dead. they would shows and express the idea that the world and certain things in this world may be very important to one and may not matter in the least to another. it would express how people feel and how those feelings can change so quickly
to the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world
cheers
its funny how fast feelings change. one minute you hate someone and then they do something funny and instantly that rage is gone. that rage that makes you want to kick them in the balls. when your thinking i cant wait to never speak to them again. its all gone and sympathy and empathy and benevolence replaces it. that care is back. and you share a laugh. all hurt feeling are lost.
i no longer feel depressed thank god. im not back to happy. no where close. this isnt an instantaneous change. im in the grey area. deciding whether or not to care. whom to care about. why not focus on the happy things. the sunshine in a tornado of ridiculously bad news. the wink of all evil stares. that girly girl enjoying a pop-punk concert filled with 12 year olds moshing and flipping their wet lg hair all over the place.
its all just empty, like whats the point? why care when i know i wont care later on. why download all these songs when i will forget about 95 percent of them in the next 5 years. why go to sleep when i know i will still be tired the next day. what is the point. why even try and get up early so i can go to school and finish reading the story im supposed to read, when i know im going to press the snooze button until im late for my class. why wait and not go further when thats all i want to do. all i wanted to do is have sex with him, and i didn't and i am so happy that i didn't because i didn't invest all that emotion. thats contradictory. 'just do what you want and what feels right'. thats what i said before. well what if it doesnt feel right later? what if i want to do something even if i know there will be consequences.
mr red hot is back in the picture. texting chatting planning meeting rendezvous. i gout get that. again. do i want to? what about fabulous? birthday coming up. i want that kiss. i want that connection, i need it, i think about it everyday. i havent seen him in over 2 years and i think about him almost everyday. i think he does too. in the way he talks to me. i can feel it. we really do have something. i still want red hot. i knows it bad. Thank Goodness noname isnt in the picture anymore. noname because i cant even think of somehting to associate him too. its mr red hot because everytime i hear a certain red hot chili peppers song i think about that time he picked me up and we went on top of that mountain and held hands and he was scared of the dark. of that time we went and for gross pizza and then soberly kissed, and i understood that meaning expressed in novels. that weak in the knees butterflies all over, time stopping kind of kiss.. thats mr red hot. i should start hooking up with mr red hot again. the writer told me so. we will see i will make a split second most likely drunken decision
its crocodile/moth because thats how we say goodbye, and moth is what happens when you get drunk and text the person you love the most, i could write a short story about this dude. a complete chapter in my life. the type that you tell your kids about when you are older.
its ginger obv cause of the red, its the stripper name, which explains our friendship, i can go crazy with here. all those 'stories' come for adventures with this girl. yah she may be self conscious, who isnt? shes getting better.
blair my new name that me and ginger came up with. mostley because she has changed and i always speak negatively of her. i love her. i do. but i get bored. and she judges and it makes me angry. these locks will always be unique and i will never forget or lose her she will always be there
loving the fake names its mysterious but the danger is i know that if someone i knew found my secret blog they would know exactly who i am and who i am talking about. theres more secret names, and now when i new one is intro'd im going to explain why they are named so.
say goodnight and go - imogen heap
i no longer feel depressed thank god. im not back to happy. no where close. this isnt an instantaneous change. im in the grey area. deciding whether or not to care. whom to care about. why not focus on the happy things. the sunshine in a tornado of ridiculously bad news. the wink of all evil stares. that girly girl enjoying a pop-punk concert filled with 12 year olds moshing and flipping their wet lg hair all over the place.
its all just empty, like whats the point? why care when i know i wont care later on. why download all these songs when i will forget about 95 percent of them in the next 5 years. why go to sleep when i know i will still be tired the next day. what is the point. why even try and get up early so i can go to school and finish reading the story im supposed to read, when i know im going to press the snooze button until im late for my class. why wait and not go further when thats all i want to do. all i wanted to do is have sex with him, and i didn't and i am so happy that i didn't because i didn't invest all that emotion. thats contradictory. 'just do what you want and what feels right'. thats what i said before. well what if it doesnt feel right later? what if i want to do something even if i know there will be consequences.
mr red hot is back in the picture. texting chatting planning meeting rendezvous. i gout get that. again. do i want to? what about fabulous? birthday coming up. i want that kiss. i want that connection, i need it, i think about it everyday. i havent seen him in over 2 years and i think about him almost everyday. i think he does too. in the way he talks to me. i can feel it. we really do have something. i still want red hot. i knows it bad. Thank Goodness noname isnt in the picture anymore. noname because i cant even think of somehting to associate him too. its mr red hot because everytime i hear a certain red hot chili peppers song i think about that time he picked me up and we went on top of that mountain and held hands and he was scared of the dark. of that time we went and for gross pizza and then soberly kissed, and i understood that meaning expressed in novels. that weak in the knees butterflies all over, time stopping kind of kiss.. thats mr red hot. i should start hooking up with mr red hot again. the writer told me so. we will see i will make a split second most likely drunken decision
its crocodile/moth because thats how we say goodbye, and moth is what happens when you get drunk and text the person you love the most, i could write a short story about this dude. a complete chapter in my life. the type that you tell your kids about when you are older.
its ginger obv cause of the red, its the stripper name, which explains our friendship, i can go crazy with here. all those 'stories' come for adventures with this girl. yah she may be self conscious, who isnt? shes getting better.
blair my new name that me and ginger came up with. mostley because she has changed and i always speak negatively of her. i love her. i do. but i get bored. and she judges and it makes me angry. these locks will always be unique and i will never forget or lose her she will always be there
loving the fake names its mysterious but the danger is i know that if someone i knew found my secret blog they would know exactly who i am and who i am talking about. theres more secret names, and now when i new one is intro'd im going to explain why they are named so.
say goodnight and go - imogen heap
Friday, January 18, 2008
the good cries
i need a good cry. i dont have time to explain my sadness as of the moment. i could have cried yesterday after my dad dropped me off but i was at gingers house and its embarassing being so weak. i could have cried 20 times at dinner, at least 6 times at cheer. and at least 5 times today. i hate this feeling of impending depression. its sinking in i can feel it. i dont want to be depressed i hate it. and life just carries on. i need to to slow down and fade away... and stop thinking about the s, it is not an option.
just keep smiling and people will think your allright
just keep smiling and people will think your allright
Thursday, January 17, 2008
i owe little sweat shop kids money
i was standing on the skytrain today and noticed that i do this at least once every couple days. i add up how much every i am wearing costs and its crazy! here was today:
classic black adidas shoes - 80$
socks - 3$(approx, who know show much socks are your mom buys them for you, mine are pink and fuzzy incase your wondering.)
jeans 25$
black beater - 20$
blue shirt - 15$
star hoodie - 40$
jacket - 145$
bag - 30 $
that equals 325$ of shit! and im not even including my bra or undies or elastics! not to mentionm how much the makeup and lotion and perfume i sprayed on myself costs, or my necklace and my ring, and how much i spent on my tattoo, and the nailpolish i bought just for shits and giggles.
we spend so much money its ridiculous, i do this everyfew days and then am sad for a total of 1 minute thinking about all the poor people in the world that have so much less that me. then something catches my eye and i forget about it completely. sometimes i wish i cared more.
classic black adidas shoes - 80$
socks - 3$(approx, who know show much socks are your mom buys them for you, mine are pink and fuzzy incase your wondering.)
jeans 25$
black beater - 20$
blue shirt - 15$
star hoodie - 40$
jacket - 145$
bag - 30 $
that equals 325$ of shit! and im not even including my bra or undies or elastics! not to mentionm how much the makeup and lotion and perfume i sprayed on myself costs, or my necklace and my ring, and how much i spent on my tattoo, and the nailpolish i bought just for shits and giggles.
we spend so much money its ridiculous, i do this everyfew days and then am sad for a total of 1 minute thinking about all the poor people in the world that have so much less that me. then something catches my eye and i forget about it completely. sometimes i wish i cared more.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
the situation
okay so just so that you have an idea of this one i will in a nutshell explain mine and moths relationship..
we have been best friends for almost three years now and for at least the past 2 years moth (aka crocodile) has liked/loved me as have i. the only problem is that i love him as a friend and its just one of those things where i cant bring myself to liek him enough to take it to the next step and risk the friendship. this moth doesnt always know how to handle situations and so a couple times he has completely stopped tlakign to me or avoiding me because he thinks it will help him get over me. SO he has done it again and i have decided that he cant take advantage of our friendship liek that SOO this is what i would say to him if i wasnt so nice and i actually told people what i think of them
you are such a piece of shit for thinking that it is okay to treat people like this. just as soon as things get a little bit hard for you you just ignore or avoid me becuase you think that will help you get over me. let me remind you its not MY fault that you like me and even if you want to take it out on me you cant becuase thats unfair. you got yourself into this situation just as much as i put you in it. yes YOU ARE IMMATURE i have told you that so many times. ive waited around for you to figure your shit out many times now becuase your too immature to deal with your problems in the right way and you knwo that i wait becuase you are the most important thing in the world to me. but i wont let you take advantage of me anymore like that. so rude and inconsiderant. i not going to be here anymore when you decide that your not 'busy' anymmore and you can be my friend again because its convenient for you. you are such a pussy little bitch in the way you handle your problems and it makes me sick how you would down talk to me to your friends when you know that i havent done anything wrong. i can make it without you. itll be hard and its going to suck alot becuase i care so much but i dont want do deal with you and your immaturities anylonger. i cant believe you think your actions are justified. learn to TALK you retard. i have been such a good friend to you and you know i would be there in a second. now i cant go to you when im going throug a crisis of my own because your own head is SO BIG that you think your problems are the biggest in the world. im no longer going to go to you anymore or share things or be close friends with you or be there for you, you have ruined that. i have friends that appreciate me and treat me with the respect i deserve, so sincerely suck it and fuck you.
never thought id see the day that i didnt want to talk to him
we have been best friends for almost three years now and for at least the past 2 years moth (aka crocodile) has liked/loved me as have i. the only problem is that i love him as a friend and its just one of those things where i cant bring myself to liek him enough to take it to the next step and risk the friendship. this moth doesnt always know how to handle situations and so a couple times he has completely stopped tlakign to me or avoiding me because he thinks it will help him get over me. SO he has done it again and i have decided that he cant take advantage of our friendship liek that SOO this is what i would say to him if i wasnt so nice and i actually told people what i think of them
you are such a piece of shit for thinking that it is okay to treat people like this. just as soon as things get a little bit hard for you you just ignore or avoid me becuase you think that will help you get over me. let me remind you its not MY fault that you like me and even if you want to take it out on me you cant becuase thats unfair. you got yourself into this situation just as much as i put you in it. yes YOU ARE IMMATURE i have told you that so many times. ive waited around for you to figure your shit out many times now becuase your too immature to deal with your problems in the right way and you knwo that i wait becuase you are the most important thing in the world to me. but i wont let you take advantage of me anymore like that. so rude and inconsiderant. i not going to be here anymore when you decide that your not 'busy' anymmore and you can be my friend again because its convenient for you. you are such a pussy little bitch in the way you handle your problems and it makes me sick how you would down talk to me to your friends when you know that i havent done anything wrong. i can make it without you. itll be hard and its going to suck alot becuase i care so much but i dont want do deal with you and your immaturities anylonger. i cant believe you think your actions are justified. learn to TALK you retard. i have been such a good friend to you and you know i would be there in a second. now i cant go to you when im going throug a crisis of my own because your own head is SO BIG that you think your problems are the biggest in the world. im no longer going to go to you anymore or share things or be close friends with you or be there for you, you have ruined that. i have friends that appreciate me and treat me with the respect i deserve, so sincerely suck it and fuck you.
never thought id see the day that i didnt want to talk to him
Sunday, January 13, 2008
wedding bells, visas, and frovers
so i found out today that my dad is getting married to a Japanese woman that is not a Canadian citizen. she lives in japan and she doesn't speak English and she smells bad and she wears weird clothing and she doesn't understand me when i ask her very simple questions. my dad says he loves this woman. how can you love someone with a language barrier like that? how can you love someone you have only known for 2 months. my dad is crazy. i am really upset about this whole thing. way more upset than i thought i would be. my eyes kept welling up at work today and i couldn't stop myself. its so weird how if someone is your family for some reason everything is such a bigger deal. my dad and i don't talk really any more. ever since i moved in with mom and i don't see him on a regular basis. even when we were living in the same household i didn't talk to him about anything in specific but i still saw him every once and a while and he knew what was going on in my life. every since i moved out i never see him and he has no clue whats going on in my life. and then he has the nerve to tell em that i only ever call him when i need something. for the record i don't EVER call him for when i need something because i would never steep that low as to ask him for something i would rather get it for myself.anyway, dad was just going off on the phone today about how he is so happy and everything in his life is just so wonderful . i don't understand how everything can be so awesome when you never talk to your kids. me and my dad literally dont have any relationship at all any more. we had to meet up so that i could switch my phone over and he didnt ask me a single question about what is going on in my life. he is so self absorbed i cant stand it. i know its a two way street but even if i made an effort like asking him to go out to dinner he would obv go but then after that no call woudl be made to do it again. and at dinner he wouldnt talk to me about anything but himself. and i should HAVE to make the first move.. i am his daughter but he is my dad he can call em and ask how im doing and he doesnt. he doensnt know what courses i m taking in school or what boys ive been dating or anything that is of any importance to me at all. i wish i had a family like gingers. her family is so good and she loves them so much.
i have a retarded dad marrying a mail order bride and he is so dumb he doesnt even realize it. i have a brother who is turning out to be just as rude as dad who has no respect for anyone and takes advantage so people right left and center. did i mention he has a weed addiction and is almost failing gr 12 at the easiest school with the easiest schedule ever? i have a mother with a boyfriend in winnipeg that is her life and she is crazy at times but i really do love her. i dont know what i would do without her even though we fight all the time and she is so god damned stupid about so many little things. its so hard when everything around you is falling down. there so many people out there with lives so much worse than me and i shouldn't be complaining like this. its just, you know those days when you feel depressed and all you want to do is cry and make everything so away. this is one of those days. and ive been having these days a lot more often lately. i dont want to become depressed like i was before its not fun for anyone and it isnt healthy.
crocodile isnt being talkative to me and i miss him and it makes me so sad that we wont be close. i understand that he needs to get over me. i get that. i get that its hard o get over someone when you see them all the time. i understand that we cant be as close because its too hard for him. i get it all. i just wish it didnt have to be this way. because i care about him so much and i still want to see him all the time. i wish we could just be friends but itll never work. i miss him and i wish we could be like we used to be. i have ginger, i love ginger, but theres nothing like alligator and crocodile time and thats all i wanted tonight to get cheered up because if anyone could cheer me up it would be him.. and usually when something personal happens to me like this he would be the first person i would call and now i cant. just like how when i ran away i called him. now if i ran away i couldn't call him and that makes me so sad i hate the way things change i hate it so much. i wish i loved him the way he loves me it would make everything so good but i cant do it and it makes me so sad. i know its selfish but i need him around me and in my life. i would be there for him. if he called me i would be there i would listen and i would be his friend he has been my number one for so long i dont want to let him go. i know i have to. i cant force him to want to be friends with me. i hope me misses me and that i mean as much to him as he does to me. alli can do is hope. its all out of my control. nothing is in my control.
i have a retarded dad marrying a mail order bride and he is so dumb he doesnt even realize it. i have a brother who is turning out to be just as rude as dad who has no respect for anyone and takes advantage so people right left and center. did i mention he has a weed addiction and is almost failing gr 12 at the easiest school with the easiest schedule ever? i have a mother with a boyfriend in winnipeg that is her life and she is crazy at times but i really do love her. i dont know what i would do without her even though we fight all the time and she is so god damned stupid about so many little things. its so hard when everything around you is falling down. there so many people out there with lives so much worse than me and i shouldn't be complaining like this. its just, you know those days when you feel depressed and all you want to do is cry and make everything so away. this is one of those days. and ive been having these days a lot more often lately. i dont want to become depressed like i was before its not fun for anyone and it isnt healthy.
crocodile isnt being talkative to me and i miss him and it makes me so sad that we wont be close. i understand that he needs to get over me. i get that. i get that its hard o get over someone when you see them all the time. i understand that we cant be as close because its too hard for him. i get it all. i just wish it didnt have to be this way. because i care about him so much and i still want to see him all the time. i wish we could just be friends but itll never work. i miss him and i wish we could be like we used to be. i have ginger, i love ginger, but theres nothing like alligator and crocodile time and thats all i wanted tonight to get cheered up because if anyone could cheer me up it would be him.. and usually when something personal happens to me like this he would be the first person i would call and now i cant. just like how when i ran away i called him. now if i ran away i couldn't call him and that makes me so sad i hate the way things change i hate it so much. i wish i loved him the way he loves me it would make everything so good but i cant do it and it makes me so sad. i know its selfish but i need him around me and in my life. i would be there for him. if he called me i would be there i would listen and i would be his friend he has been my number one for so long i dont want to let him go. i know i have to. i cant force him to want to be friends with me. i hope me misses me and that i mean as much to him as he does to me. alli can do is hope. its all out of my control. nothing is in my control.
Friday, January 11, 2008
you are the music in me
i wish i had a whole day that i could spend organizing alllll of my music so that all the titles and artists are correct and make my playlists and just listen and chill
but i have to print out books and read books and shower and ice my broken nose and make plans about partying and talk on facebook and catchup with old friends and fret about the people i love and be tired and nap and sleep and avoid sleep
i guess its all my choice though instead of writing this pointless post i could be organizing and downloading matt good. or jay brannan. i wish jake would show all of his acoustic shit or make an album of it or something cause i would LOVE it.
i have a border on the along the top of my room that i painted with chalkboard paint and i put the following quote and little things that i like for some reason or another, they are as follows:
-life is all about the things you'll never figure out-
-realize your faith through fate-
-the faster i let go of everything i cant change, the harder i fight for what i can and i will, the harder i fight for what i believe and love-
-live, love, laugh-
-buy me the ocean and paint it with pretty little stars- - because i love crocodile and i miss him. as annoyed as i get at times, i want him around for a very long time.
maybe tomorrow, love will save the day
but i have to print out books and read books and shower and ice my broken nose and make plans about partying and talk on facebook and catchup with old friends and fret about the people i love and be tired and nap and sleep and avoid sleep
i guess its all my choice though instead of writing this pointless post i could be organizing and downloading matt good. or jay brannan. i wish jake would show all of his acoustic shit or make an album of it or something cause i would LOVE it.
i have a border on the along the top of my room that i painted with chalkboard paint and i put the following quote and little things that i like for some reason or another, they are as follows:
-life is all about the things you'll never figure out-
-realize your faith through fate-
-the faster i let go of everything i cant change, the harder i fight for what i can and i will, the harder i fight for what i believe and love-
-live, love, laugh-
-buy me the ocean and paint it with pretty little stars- - because i love crocodile and i miss him. as annoyed as i get at times, i want him around for a very long time.
maybe tomorrow, love will save the day
Thursday, January 10, 2008
sharing
i tried to start reading frankenstein and got maybe twenty pages in. then i wandered around campus and found my new favorite spot. this campus is beautiful! so many places and niches that tiny litte organisms os humans in this world can sit and study, reflect, read, fart, think, daydream, doodle, whatever the hell they want and no one talks to you. i think i may just find myself in whalley this semester and grow up a little bit more
but now for the purpose of the program, im completely compelled by aheartbreakingwork.blogspot.com. its jakes of my favorite band and obsession hed-o-ley and i am going through every single one of his blogs and have been for the last little while and they are so beautiful and inspiring and its not just because i relaly like jacob. its because he is an amazing writer and has the crazy capability to expell emotion from himself that i dont even think he realized until he started writing it down. my eyes well up reading this shit. i literally laugh out loud in the middle of this sfu library and people including the homeless man to my right, sorry left im dyslexic, all look at me funny like im an idiot for being amused.
my point is that i enjoy reading this so much but all i can think about is telling bliar about it (code name! love you ginger!) and i shoudlnt need to depend on blair to make this real. i dont understand why i wont let myself fully enjoy reading the blog and getting everythign i get out of it. i knwo that she wont appreciate it in the same way as i do. I''ve told her at least 3 times about it and she still hasnt looked at it. if someone especially one of my best friends told me something that they emmensly enjoyed i would be intrigued to see it because it makes them happy and it makes me happy to see them happy therefore i would liek to see what exactly makes them happy and reflect on it and think about it and grow my evergrowing respect for poeple like my friends that i admire. but i dont really admire blair anymore. she is changing. no she isnt. i am growing and making realizations that i avoided and did not see previously. i still want to tell her about it even tho i know it wont effect her in the way it does me. its just the person i am i guess. i wish blair coudl grow and realize and get out of her mind where she is rular of all that is right.
just like i thought typing all of that out made it make sense in my head BUT STILL i want to tell her wtf. and yes i do relaly enjoy his blog but it isnt my life im just using it as an example to explain the way i feel about myself and blairs relationship. however in reality im trying to covor up the fact that i am completley obsessed with jacob H and i dont know why i woudl try to hide it on this. nobody knows who i am and im using code names and no one reads this but me so WHY DO I STILL CARE. i guess truth and time will tell
.thanks audrina of the hills speaking to the bad boys i so dearly love and hate.
but now for the purpose of the program, im completely compelled by aheartbreakingwork.blogspot.com. its jakes of my favorite band and obsession hed-o-ley and i am going through every single one of his blogs and have been for the last little while and they are so beautiful and inspiring and its not just because i relaly like jacob. its because he is an amazing writer and has the crazy capability to expell emotion from himself that i dont even think he realized until he started writing it down. my eyes well up reading this shit. i literally laugh out loud in the middle of this sfu library and people including the homeless man to my right, sorry left im dyslexic, all look at me funny like im an idiot for being amused.
my point is that i enjoy reading this so much but all i can think about is telling bliar about it (code name! love you ginger!) and i shoudlnt need to depend on blair to make this real. i dont understand why i wont let myself fully enjoy reading the blog and getting everythign i get out of it. i knwo that she wont appreciate it in the same way as i do. I''ve told her at least 3 times about it and she still hasnt looked at it. if someone especially one of my best friends told me something that they emmensly enjoyed i would be intrigued to see it because it makes them happy and it makes me happy to see them happy therefore i would liek to see what exactly makes them happy and reflect on it and think about it and grow my evergrowing respect for poeple like my friends that i admire. but i dont really admire blair anymore. she is changing. no she isnt. i am growing and making realizations that i avoided and did not see previously. i still want to tell her about it even tho i know it wont effect her in the way it does me. its just the person i am i guess. i wish blair coudl grow and realize and get out of her mind where she is rular of all that is right.
just like i thought typing all of that out made it make sense in my head BUT STILL i want to tell her wtf. and yes i do relaly enjoy his blog but it isnt my life im just using it as an example to explain the way i feel about myself and blairs relationship. however in reality im trying to covor up the fact that i am completley obsessed with jacob H and i dont know why i woudl try to hide it on this. nobody knows who i am and im using code names and no one reads this but me so WHY DO I STILL CARE. i guess truth and time will tell
.thanks audrina of the hills speaking to the bad boys i so dearly love and hate.
JC, the neanderthal that opened my eyes
So im all upset and grumpy about having to wake up early and go to my english tutorial, i arrive at school like the loner i am all wet from having the trucks driving past me on the way to school spray me with their grainy rain filled shit liquid. i even get to the classroom before the teacher! at least im awake now. i first i thought he is a student but he goes to the front of the classroom and i take in his size. hes at least 6'2'' and looks as if the extent of hes evolution hasnt quite caught up to society. his forehead protrudes a little more than usual, and he has large muscular shoulders, a wide stature, that big guy you wish you had to hug you when you needed it most.
as he begins to speak i am instantly and completley intrigued by him. he speaks with such a need to be listened to . thank god im actually awake because i am so enthralled by him. i could listen to him speak for hours upon end, because he speaks as if he is obsessed with life. even tho he is only introducing himself and making a bit of small talk because it is the first tutorial and only half of us are here, i can tell that he is a highly educated and intelligent individual. the way in which he speaks about society and the human being, books, hand made shoes, synthesized flesh, mcdonalds, we cover it all! and it makes me want to learn. i now realize why it is so important to like and enjoy the teachers you have becase you end up getting so much more out of the course. i wish he was teaching the lectures... i am so attracted to this man. he is not especially good looking but it doesnt matter. he is so sexy in the way he expains the simplist and most dull subjects. the way he is excited that he bought his ugly black and red shoes from a guy that hand made them himself, the way he absent mindedly plays with his odd necklace and ring as he speaks. its as if it is little windows into his intimate world. i start to day dream about what he is like out of the classroom setting and how he would act when enjoying a pitcher with his buddies. are they those geeky intellectual guys that get drunk and go off on tangents about the meaning of life, or what makes one human? maybe. but he looks like a football player that used to get drunk and break shit as a teen. all i know is that i want to know more
on a completley different and random topic. i have decided i am going to try and 'blog' as it were more often. it is a good outlet and as jacob says it is a good way to bleed. by talking about my feeling and my little everyday realizations i think i will look back on this and smile for if i didnt write it all down it would be forgotten and never resurfaced. ill remember hte important events everyone alsways does, at least bits of it. but i want to remember the little things because i have always believed they are the most important. it will also be good to gt used to writing, writing my opinion and being able to rant can only be beneficial i believe. at least i can empty my mind to that i will have more space to focus on broing subjects such as writing papers and learning the commands of they internet. on the other hand it may just be me procrastinating because i should be reading frankenstein for english but its just too old english and boring, im sure itll get good. i mean its all in the interpretation not so much in the words itsself. with all this time up at school im sure that i will be makeing at least dual weekly posts or blogs or whatever it is you call it. however for now i need to check my facebook and respond to crocodiles short and boring and completley uncharacteristic message which makes me feel empty and unwanted because he always wants to hang out wiht me because he likes me and now when he doesnt want me anymore i want him to want me. how DUMB. im reading to much into it. or am i?
as he begins to speak i am instantly and completley intrigued by him. he speaks with such a need to be listened to . thank god im actually awake because i am so enthralled by him. i could listen to him speak for hours upon end, because he speaks as if he is obsessed with life. even tho he is only introducing himself and making a bit of small talk because it is the first tutorial and only half of us are here, i can tell that he is a highly educated and intelligent individual. the way in which he speaks about society and the human being, books, hand made shoes, synthesized flesh, mcdonalds, we cover it all! and it makes me want to learn. i now realize why it is so important to like and enjoy the teachers you have becase you end up getting so much more out of the course. i wish he was teaching the lectures... i am so attracted to this man. he is not especially good looking but it doesnt matter. he is so sexy in the way he expains the simplist and most dull subjects. the way he is excited that he bought his ugly black and red shoes from a guy that hand made them himself, the way he absent mindedly plays with his odd necklace and ring as he speaks. its as if it is little windows into his intimate world. i start to day dream about what he is like out of the classroom setting and how he would act when enjoying a pitcher with his buddies. are they those geeky intellectual guys that get drunk and go off on tangents about the meaning of life, or what makes one human? maybe. but he looks like a football player that used to get drunk and break shit as a teen. all i know is that i want to know more
on a completley different and random topic. i have decided i am going to try and 'blog' as it were more often. it is a good outlet and as jacob says it is a good way to bleed. by talking about my feeling and my little everyday realizations i think i will look back on this and smile for if i didnt write it all down it would be forgotten and never resurfaced. ill remember hte important events everyone alsways does, at least bits of it. but i want to remember the little things because i have always believed they are the most important. it will also be good to gt used to writing, writing my opinion and being able to rant can only be beneficial i believe. at least i can empty my mind to that i will have more space to focus on broing subjects such as writing papers and learning the commands of they internet. on the other hand it may just be me procrastinating because i should be reading frankenstein for english but its just too old english and boring, im sure itll get good. i mean its all in the interpretation not so much in the words itsself. with all this time up at school im sure that i will be makeing at least dual weekly posts or blogs or whatever it is you call it. however for now i need to check my facebook and respond to crocodiles short and boring and completley uncharacteristic message which makes me feel empty and unwanted because he always wants to hang out wiht me because he likes me and now when he doesnt want me anymore i want him to want me. how DUMB. im reading to much into it. or am i?
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