+ and -

+ Plus +

-caffeine eyes

-the night

-kisses on the forehead

-cuddling

-when ruby smiles

-lists

-stars

-proper families

-remembering what you forgot

-flirting

-cinema/ cinema commentaries

-realizing you are over it

-confidence

-leaves stained into the sidewalk

-being alone

-walking around naked

-feeling truely attractive

-sushi

-opening credits

-appies and conversation

-adventures alone

-lyrics

-beats

-pure amusment

-being in the moment

-organic

-family

-butterflies

-signs

-waking up energized and optimistic

-thinking about what strangers lives are like

-philosophy

-black and white

-photography

-the couplebug

-lying in bed with the him of the time

-the idea of love

-getting ready to go out

-sleepover talks with my girlfriends

-

- Minus -

-fakeness

-being used

-global warming

-dirty dishes

-being called a 'bitch'

-procrastination

-no one to cuddle with

-regret

-mom and her doddling and impatience

-broken phones

-thinking about money all the time

-empty promises

-sleeping all day

-wasting potential

-blacking out

-ostracism

-

anddd ill just add a spot for my fav lyrics <3

-beautiful insanity-

-one love, im one away-

-it rained so hard it felt like snow-

-taken to the floor with a reach to the sky-

-counting on the night for a beautiful day-

-im too young to feel this old-

-nobody knows, nobody sees, nodoby but me-

Geeeeuilt

So, you know when you feel unwelcome in your own house?

my roomie is mad at me? i think? It's this thing that's been happening.. real slow.. comment by comment, pick by pick she is breaking me. I wish I was stripped from the powers of emotion. I should NOT feel bad about anything!

Friday. my birthday. she is so short with me! so laughy with Lo and I try, I try so hard to talk to her. I even ask her if she is mad at me. And she laughed, said she wasn't and then turned to a friend and didn't actually respond to me at all. I hardly saw her the whole night.. At the end she told me that I was being mean to Cooker because I was flirting with him (so what it's my birthday and we always flirt) and then she told me I'm not allowed to talk to Pat and told me I shouldn't give my number to him.. Not Fair! I told him we should ALL party AND I gave him her number. gosh. I wish she realized a little bit that I have no. Zero. bad intentions for her. Then she kept accusing me of flittering off the whole night. welll sorrry I was having fun on my birthday. Apparently it's my fault that she didn't look into her phone.. Didn't even say goodbye. and just left and went home. Not excited about this new/old interest of mine. I just don't understand.. She told Lo that she feels mad at me and she doesn't know why. I wish that she could communicate her feelings to me. As well as I know her I can't tell if she is aware of this. This isn't everything there is so much. So many guilt stabs. the "fineees" and "I guess so" so unessecary. maybe im overreacting. but none the less I am hurt and she is aware of that at least a little bit. And she does nothing to solve it or address it. It hurts my feelings. alot. I want to talk to her about it but I don't think she will say anything I think she will just brush it off like it's nothing to her. But it's something to me.


It's always something to me and is never anything to her. I am always on this side of any relationship. I need to push the off button on my brain. That would be refreshing.

u

when you talk talk talk

all i hear is sex sex sex

Mama - 5.) Write about something mean you did to a sibling growing up.

5.) Write about something mean you did to a sibling growing up.

So the story that I find I usually tell people about growing up related to mean a nastymean sister is the story of my brother and the eyelash incident.

As a kid at the age of four all I really wanted was to everyone to look at me all the time, apparently my family didn't agree with this. Everyone was always complimenting my brother on his huge beautiful blue eyes and how amazingly long eyelashes he has and how cute he is yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah, I was very jealous of him. I had merely hazel eyes and acceptable eyelashes and foudn myself to be second guess. One day when my mom was busy dusting the dining room that no one entered I told my brother it was time for a haircut. His two year old self told me he was hestitant about this because he thinks im going to "do a bad to [him]" but i assured him otherwise. I went to the kitchen and got those huge black kitchen scissors that every hoousehold has, (I later learned they are form IKEA) and I plopped my bro down on the toilet. I then continued to come slicingly close to my brothers eye as i cut off his beautiful eyelashes and he was left looking completely different. My mom cried as she instantly recognized which made my brother cry and then me cry because I didnt really realize the damage that this causes one. His eyes were left naked, he looked so different!. To this day allthough my brother still has teh ability to influence someone for a lifetime with his eyes, his eyelashes have never fully grown back and will forever remain average. Yearly at our family dinners this story comes up and I will be reminded of my childish ways for the remainder of my existence.

the end

Story #1 in CRWR

[1,830 Words]
I tightened my grip on the ribbon laced through my fingers. A red balloon bobs behind me as I quickly walk down the street and head to the park. Good thing it’s four in the morning and no one is out. This isn’t the sort of thing you want anyone to see; they would ask too many questions, and judge me whether I told them what I was doing or not. Unsure of exactly where to go I head to the nearest park bench and take a seat. I feel so stupid here, is this really going to do anything? A minute or two goes by and I search for a sign, something for me to go home but nothing happens. Guess it’s just me and my balloon. I know eventually I’m going to have to let this ribbon go. Eventually the sun will rise and people will carry on with their lives. Eventually I will watch this balloon float into the sky and disappear from my sight, but not quite yet.
Two years ago I met Jared. Jared was the guy that gave you his jacket when you were cold; he paid for your dinner not because he thought that guys should but because he wanted to. Jared was the guy that every girl wished her boyfriend would be, and I had Jared. Every Wednesday I had night school at ten and then I’d take the 410 bus home. Conveniently, Jared had practice every Wednesday night. I noticed him because he was always apologizing for hitting people with his big sports bag as he walked down the aisle of the bus. One day he ended up plopping down beside me and caught me looking at the odd shaped ball he was holding.
“I bet you want to know what this is,” he said sitting up in his seat and spinning the ball round in his hands. “This is a Rugby ball.” He stated proudly, holding it up and admiring it as if it were his most prized possession. He looked at me, searching for shared enthusiasm but was greeted by confusion. Apparently he took this as an excuse to tell me all about how Rugby is the best sport ever invented. If it were anyone else I would have just got up and switched seats as politely as possible, but for some reason, I couldn’t stop staring at his tanned face and his freckled nose, and how if he was really excited about something he would lift up his hat and place it exactly back where it was before. He must have noticed I had been staring at him with a blank face for a while because he stopped explaining the difference between a Try and a Conversion in mid-sentence, “I’m Jared by the way, and sorry for my rambling I’ve just started playing this year so it’s still new and exciting. What’s your name?”
“My name is Leona.” I said placing my hand out in front of me.
“Leona,” he repeated grabbing my hand and giving it a gently squeeze. “That’s a very nice name I’ve never heard it before. It suits you very well.”
“Well you don’t even know me, how would you know if it suits me?” I said before I could stop myself.
“Well,” he said, leaving a few seconds for good measure, “I don’t really know actually. All I know for sure is that I want to know more.”
Every week from then on we would meet on the bus and talk. Sometimes he would miss his stop because we were talking so much so eventually he asked for my number and the hopeless romantic in me had to give it to him. I guess the difference between Jared and every other guy was that he really was interested in anything I had to say. Almost everyone else just waits for their turn to speak but I would always catch him just listening and smiling at me with his goofy smile, waiting for me to continue. I guess that’s why we could talk for so long because I would do the exact same thing with him. It wasn’t surprising that after a year it seemed as though we had known each other for our whole lives. He would tell me of his plans for our future where we would get our own place and be those lame couples that go for walks and are so in love. All this talk would normally scare the shit out of me but for some reason I didn’t mind with him. He was always so passionate about everything in his life, including me. I never thought I could know someone as well as I thought I knew Jared.
A few months ago I was at lunch with my girlfriends telling them how I`ve been sick lately and how I`ve been eating way more than usual when one of them suggested I could be pregnant as a joke. I almost chocked on my food as I laughed and reassured them that was impossible. I recounted the story to Jared later on that day, and he gave me this look I`d never ever seen before. Not really sure of how to react I said, “Would it really be so horrible if I was?”
“Of course not babe, it’s just that we don’t need to talk about any of that until the time comes.” He pulled me closer and kissed me on the forehead. “I better get going,” he said. “I’m pretty tired and I have to work early tomorrow.” I lay awake all night that night. It wasn’t just the fact that I could actually be pregnant; it was more because he usually slept over at my house during the week.
A week later we were sitting on my couch watching a movie when I couldn’t contain myself anymore. “I’m pregnant Jared,” I said, covering my mouth with my hands. “And I don’t know what to do.”
He stared at me for what seemed like minutes and then pushed me away form him very slowly. “How could you do this to us?” He said shaking his head.
“I didn’t do anything!” I said just wanting to make him happy. I’d do whatever he wanted, which right now seemed to be to make him to stop looking at me like he didn’t recognize me. “I’m sorry okay; I just need to know what you want to do so we can make plans.” As soon as I spoke the words I instantly wished I could take them back.
“Make plans?” He stood up, “Look Leona, this is a lot of news all at once, I need to think about it okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He grabbed his coat and left without another word I was left alone in my apartment without any questions answered and without anyone to comfort me.
Think about what? This wasn’t the Jared I knew. The Jared I knew would be beside me telling me we will figure it out. Telling me everything is going to be okay, and promising me he will be there for me. Jared didn’t call me the next day, or the day after that. I tried to get a hold of him and he wouldn’t even answer my calls. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. I wanted him to love me again.
The abortion was nothing like I expected. I thought it would be a changing experience and wished the procedure was different. It was similar to getting your wisdom teeth pulled. Everyone was so calm and formal, they talked me through what was about to happen, drugged me, then everything went hazy while they took care of business, I rested for a while until the drugs wore off, and then I was out the door. I was left feeling emotionless and more than anything else like I had done the wrong thing. I didn’t even bother to call Jared as I headed straight for his place. It had been nearly three weeks since we had talked more than a few words to each other but I knew he just needed his space and now everything could go back to the way it was. I knocked on the door urgently and was so glad to see his face when he answered.
I hung my arms around his neck and told him not to worry that everything had been taken care of. I told him all I had been thinking about for the past three weeks was how he would be so happy that we could go back to the way we were. He hugged me back but then held me out at arms length. “Leona, it’s not that easy. When I you told me you were pregnant it made me realize that I don’t want to be with you. I can’t share my life with someone I know I won’t be with in the future. I’m sorry.” I have lost count of the number of times I have replayed those last words in my head.
I never thought I was capable of so much pain. My world had been like yahtzee, I was just tossed into a cup, shook around and thrown out something completely different than before. This wasn’t a physical pain, a pain that sometimes can be so strong you feel like you might loose consciousness, this was an emotional pain. The pain of losing someone, something, forever and knowing you will never touch, talk, create, or enjoy anything with them again. This kind of pain hurts you in such a strong and powerful way, it’s like a cut that never heals. It makes you feel empty. It wasn’t until just yesterday I felt like my wounds might heal.
I twirled the end up the ribbon in my hand and oddly smiled at the last two years of my life. I watched the sun peak over the horizon at me as she gently lit up the world to start a new day. Taking a deep breath, I got up from the bench and away from all the trees and into the middle of a clearing. Reaching my hand as high as I could I released my grip on the ribbon and watched it unravel through my fingers. Faster than I intended it was up and out of reach. I watched the red balloon twirl into the sky until it turned into just a little dot and then just like that it was gone. Walking back to my apartment I felt like a whole new person. I had lost the person I thought I cared about most, and given up an opportunity to bring someone new into this life, but I hadn`t lost myself. For the first time in a long time, everything was just as it should be, everything was calm again.


-so this story had to be writtin in 1st person which i am starting to get bored with. I left it till the last second so i like the balloon idea but i think i could have done much MUCH better. the relationship part doesnt reallly feel believable and i think the concept of the two types of pain could of had a more powerful message. stronger final paragraph??? what do you think?

my bday partay was yesterday night, and i saw him and i went for him and he is so attractive i dont even know what to do with myself. i cannot wait to see him again. i played it cool too. sexperiences are fun.

Secret

Secret: Today, I was celebrating my birthday randomly with marc etcetera and on the way home when i was drunk i got off the bus, pretend made friends with this guy, bummed a cigarette off him and then smoked it all the way home. ginger would be so dissapointed in me and i would be so dissapointed in myself she found out but im not until that day comes. i wonder if that actually makes sense or like why the fuck shouldn't i just feel bad about it from the get-go?

is this not just another everyday occurance for most people?

also ginger payed me a very nice compliment today, she said she really liked the victoria pictures and that i did a nice job on them. that made me feel really nice. thank you gingy! <3

MaMA

Directions:
For you newbies it's never to late to jump in!! Here is what you must do. Choose a prompt that inspires you most. Write. Come back Thursday and paste your blog URL into the Mister Linky that will be up...this way anyone can click on your name and head over to your place to see what you wrote.

prompt from mama

4.) Write a list of ten things on your mind this week.

1. my birthday dinner with my father who shares my bday with me. i dont like that we share it because he is selfish. i had to call him and force plans down his throat. i told him to think about what to do and call me back and he has failed to do so. our birthday is tomorrow and i dont know what we are doing.

2. if my bdya plans for friday are going to work out or not. will i have a nice time? will i actually talk to people or will so many peeps be there that i will feel like im ignoring people. i think it will be really fun

3. school school school. i need to finish th reviews for my creative writing workshop. i need to fill out that questionnaire, start writing my short story, read ch 13, read ch 3, discussion questions, and write the three page essay for hums. all by thursday.

4. me and gingers dirty ass house and how it needs to be cleaned.

5. how many mirage fundraiser tickets we will sell

6. will our cup plans for our amazing airband sort themselves out? i want to win. period. if not, non-existant tears will exude from my heart and fall. no one will see them but me.

7. probably the amounts of money i am wasting

8. how unhealthy i eat and how i waste money on food. probably how i should work out more

9. i will probably try to fit in at work or something more and get nervous and akward but everyone will fail to notice and on my mind will be all the things that no one thinks of. as always. this is a weekly occurrence

10. who could go a week and not think about some kind of boy?

a shitty beginning but i really like these prompts. props to you mama!

Twenty

So today is my birthday and I am twenty years old. I think about where I was a year ago and how much I have learned matured evolved changed since then. Thought I would recap exactly where I am right so that next year I will have a legit reference!

-I am completely happy being independent. Me and ginger have our place and I am no longer living with my mom. We have plans of possibly moving in with Drew and Dave, or the possibility of taking over my moms place with Lo as well and getting over our mediocre place here. although i still like it.

-I am enjoying being single. im not hooking up with anyone. and for the first time in my life i am okay with not wanting/liking/having a boy. if a relationship is going to happen itll happen, you cant force that shit! and worrying about it all of the time is just time consuming and pointless.
---that being said, i have a short stint with jeremiah where i let him get to me but im glad thats over! thank god he was a cocky son of a bitch
---me and mr nothing chat every once and a while but who knows about that. i think. next time he is in town its ultimatum time. "you know (insert name), i have a lot of fun with you and your a pretty awesome guy. you obviously know i have something for you, but i dont want this up in the air shit where we will talk all the time and then randomly not for a long time. im not saying that i want to go out with you. i am saying that you've got one more chance. so think about it, make up your mind, and call me if you want. goodnight :)"
---when i broke up with sids 8 months ago i was so sad and i thought i was in love with him possibly and i didnt know how long it would take for me to get over him. i am OVER him. applause please! he was an asshole, still is, and is selfish. and he doenst even know it! i pity you sids and i hope one day you figure it out.
---i still think about n ick. pretty often. he is so frickin hot
-im really liking work but making shit money. i want to transfer to thurlow, gi, or a new restaurant. i really think my group of friends at work is real and value them so much. thank god for work!! yayy!!!! im also doing well serving i believe

-i am enjoying my psych classes and keeping up (for the most part) with school. i think i want to me a psychologist, psychiatrist, maybe work with handicapped people, children, or ppl with mental problems or that have been abused or traumatized in their lives.

-i have anger about my dad and i dont know how to deal with it.

-me and KK are as close as ever! she is going through alot and i just want to be the best friend that i can be. i love her so much and hope that she realizes what she is worth. i dont want anything to change with us or anything to happen to her. if she dies from this i don think i would ever recover. i thnk about her everysingle day and we really do think on the same level. im glad she shares my optimism and dreams and accepts me for who i am. ah the journey of life.

- i think i need a therapist and could be slightly depressed and/or was despressed.

-------------

what do i want from my twentieth year of life?

-a trip of some sort
-to save a decent amount of money
-to fall in love
-do something ive never done before
-be truthful all the time
-make time for the people i care about
-be a bit less lazy
-not talk bad aout people
-dont comment on ppls appearences when i approach them. compliment on the inside stuff
-confront the ppl that need to be confronted
-make an advance about my future?
-fucking organize my music and keep up with it!
-see hedley at least once

i think thats it.

thankyou for your time.

I am sitting in the cafeteria studying and am somewhat reviewing my material. that doesn`t matter anyway. i find that i am fine with fialing my expectations when no one knows what my expectations are. when i am at home in my bed studying i am fine with falling asleep. when i am sitting here in front of other students. if i am not studying i am falling behind in the race. they all knwo im not achieving something. im not better than them. if i think someone is watching me i can focus better on studying (or pretending to study) rather than procrastinating.

procrastination

I have a psyc midterm tomorrow.

I have a lot of studying to do.

I am blogging, facebooking, hotmailing, reading, thinking.

I am anything but my psyc text.

I am everything procrastination is made of.

My abillity to achieve nothing exceeds every and all.

TMI

Soo originally I had this on facebook and I really liked the idea of it. But now I feel it's a little but of TMI and people dont need to know all of this. Regardless I am glad I did it but I would rather have it on this blog where I can remain annonymous.

The purpose was to write 16 things, random, or whatever you feel and what people dont know about it.

Sooo I'm super scared to start this this but kudos to Candice for being the first, and Mona to second her and give me courage haha.. This note isn't here to reveal information to my friends. It is here because I wanted to realize more about myself that I didn't already know.. You only live once right?

1. I know everyone has a screwed up family (or most) but I really do think mine is extra retarded. I have basically raised myself (and secretly my brother) since I was 12. I can't tell if as a result of this my childhood was a good thing because I am now a stronger person that I would of been... Or if it has traumatized me and I will never fully recover.

2.I have no idea why I do this but I lie about stupid things everyday for absolutely no reason, and I have been doing it since elementary school. For example. "Hey Natalie, do you watch Family Guy?" me-"Yah! I love it it's so funny" and then the person will proceed to say a funny episode where Peter wishes he had no bones (which is the only episode I really remember) and I will laugh and pretend to know what they are talking about. I do stupid shit like this everyday almsot without even thinking about it. Sometimes I dont even realize I lied until the conversation is over. It's SO weird..

3. I do not appreciate negative people. Being pessimistic will never help a situation. Neither will complaining about how tired/hungover/how you have a weird ache in your back ever influence someone for the better. If you complain or are negative on a daily basis you have a problem and should realize it! I pride myself on being a generally happy and poistive person. Even if things are bad, try to stay optimistic about it.. I swear it helps!

4.I hate this conversation

Ignoramous - WOWWW you're a gymnast? So you can do flips and stuff right!?

me: Well I was a gymnast, and yea i did flips and stuff

Ignoramous: DO A FLIP!!

Me: no thanks.

Ignoramous: So you're basically a dancer right? You twirl that ribbon and throw that ball in the air and stuff?

me: No I am not a dancer, and no I don't twirl a ribbon and occasionally jump. I did Vault, Bars, Beam, and Floor for ten years.. Completely different than Rythmic Gymnastics

Ignoramous: SO you must be realllly flexible right??

me: DONT ASK ME THIS! Yes when I was doing gym I was very flexible, I still am quite flexible. No, I cannot turn myself into a human pretzel and stop thinking of weird sexual positions we could do. gross.

Thank god for Gymnastics because it taught me so much about life. If I didn't spend 30 hours a week all through highschool I would probably be a huge druggie, a promiscuous slut, and most likely on the streets doing crack or something.

5. I have a huge issue with confrontation. I hardly ever get mad at people even when I should be, and let people get away with walking all over me all the time. I am too trusting and give people way too many chances because I like making other people happy and enjoy going out of my way for people. The problem is that I put people ahead of myself so often that I never deal with my own needs or issues.

6. On that note I have three major issues/conversations that I need to deal with before I can move on with my life. I need to confront my Dad about how he has ruined our relationship by transforming into a completely different person and never talks to his kids anymore. Confront my Mom and tell her I am not her best friend, and she cant take everything out on me/tell me every detail of her life/ be crazy just becasue she knows I will forgive her. And one last thing I don't want to talk about on here (sorry too personal!) All of these issues have been here for years yet I still haven't addressed them! hmmm...

7. I really wish I was funny. I always get too excited when telling jokes or stories and I tell the climax/punchline at the beginning because I get too excited! I think if I was more funny I wouldn't percieve myself as boring.

8.I really hate elevators, big crowds of people (especially when you can smell everyone if that makes any sense), big escalators, and if your in a group and you end up walking on the outside or sitting on the end of the table. I have nooo idea why

9. I worry about my brother every single day. I worry about his future, if he is going to turn out like Dad, his habits, his attitude, him being young and stupid with his friends, him driving way to fast, his everything.. I really wish he would realize his potential and DO something with it! :) I also wish he would be nicer to me and apologize when he knows he has been mean.

10. I find humans and their unique minds and behavior absolutely fascinating. Why each individual makes certain decisions, acts, talks, thinks, communicates, the way they live their life and deal with situations in such different ways.. It's crazy that we are all so different yet we all need to just eat and sleep at the end of the day.

11. I don't like the fact that I am very easily influenced by others. I think because when people I care about the most suggest something... Making them happy makes me happy so I will do it. Or when a friend gets something new or thinks something is really cool.. I will suddenly think its cool. I just want to be dconfident in my own decision without thinking about what everyone else thinks.

12. I get along and can easily carry a conversation with 9 out of 10 people I meet. However, that tenth person I run into either makes me SO nervous ( I hardly everrr get nervous around anyone), or I just cant carry a conversation with them for the life of me! The interesting thing is this is usually a person that everyone gets along with very easily, and is completely approachable and not intimidating. I just dont get it haha

13. I think I have a drinking problem. Not because I drink all the time, but because when I drink I usually get wassssted. It's either intentional (don't know why I want too so badly), or completely unintentional I just never stop drinking until every last drop of booze is gone. It scares me because waking up and not knowing how your night went on a weekly basis isnt fun. I have had enough horrible and embarassing experience involving alcohal that I should of learned by now... This is a new realization and I am slowly cutting down.. not on my 20th BDayy tho! Booyaaa!

14. People should really think before they open their mouth sometimes. Making complete fun of someone and then adding "just joking!" onto the end doesn't work all the time. Sometimes (most of the time) in my opinion people are self conscious or embarassed about whatever you brought up and they will think and stress about it for days, weeks years, who knows? Just think about it

15. My mind can run away with me alot of the time and I am so thankful for my bestfriends who keep me grounded and listen to me when I desperately need to talk and tell me that my assumptions about myself and others can be wrong. Put simply, you have helped me become the person I am today and I would be so lost without your support. <3

16. Lastly, I love just spending an after noon just doing absolutely nothing but talking with someone whether it be a complete stranger or family member or old/bestfriend. Especially people I already know well because if you can still do this then you know we arent just still friends because parts of our past are shared.

"Happyness is only real when shared"


PHEWF!