Hello.

Long time no talk.

So I am still unhappy, however, I figured out why and am fixing it more and more with every day.

Much diff from a few months back.

I moved downtown with the Ging and Jack and for three months we partied and lived and were messy as fuck and I got in the biggest fight of my life with Ging. This fight made me realize more than I ever thought was possible. This fight helped answer a lot of questions I haven't had answers to for a few years. Such as why do I depend on someone so much when they make me feel shitty more than they make me happy? The fight also taught me how to be an individual. Feel bad for me, call me young and stupid, ignorant, whatever. But I didn't make a decision unless I talked to Ging about it. I did this because me and my stupid personality cared SO much about her, that I cared so much, that I needed to not ask, but talk to her about it because I valued her opinion more than my own. That does'nt work when one is making decisions for their own life.

Anywhoo.

Now I am moving out and back to my moms place. But my mom moves to Winnipeg on Saturday. Yah Saturday. This is effecting me way more than I thought it would. I am really sad about that. Mostly because we are so much closer than we were. And also that it is more of a reminder that now the only parent in my vicinity is incapaple of being human. Bastard.

But this is exciting news that I'm moving!! I don't need to live with two dirty girls anymore. I love you ladies but seriously, get rid of your beer cans and slurpee cups that are a month old in out living room. SERIOUSLY drive me up the wall. I cant wait to be organized. I cant wait to live on my own. I cant wait to be me without her.

I'mm moving in with Stace's boyfried Nick. This can be confusing because my boyfriends name is Nick too. Say whaaaaaat I have a boyfriend!? Sweet.

Not that anyone reads my blog except for a few followers of whom I appreciate so much, but back in February on my birthday, I may of had a sleepover with an old fling of mine from 06. I may have made note in my blog about it and sounded like a huge slut for having a "one night stand" But we ended up going on some dates and hanging out and getting to know eachother. Maybe I'll waste time in another post, but for now, in the present, I am happy with where we are, I think we are really started to realllllllly care for eachothers beings. The comfort level is there. I love when he has to work and he goes to kiss me goodbye and he doesn't want to leave. I am started to really be my trueself to him, letting him accept me for all my quirks and oddness and apparently what he thinks is "cute". I like talking to him, just being with him, lying with him, hugging him, cuddling him, eating places with him.. We have a long ass way to go, but as I get to know him, I get to learn what a real relationship is. One that can be built on, one where you really appreciate and respect eachother, one that I mean absolutely no harm too, one that is just so adorable so much of the time. And he really does like me too, for me.

Anyway, I kinda like him. in my wayyyyyyy back posts he is knows as mr. red hot. haha... what a guy.


I also am a cheerleader/dancer for a very large corporation!.. It's amazing and I might get to go away to support my team!.. I really like being part of a team, plus now that I'm back into dancing myself and K are going to tryout to dance on cruise ship ands travel the mediterranean.

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However enough of this filler updating.

in my current apartment i have a patio where i can sit, smoke, and listen to the beautiful trees lean from side to side in the wind while their leaves make sense of my thoughts and then whisper them back to me.

i think that sarcasm is a verrrrrrrry interesting subject. I dont like it. sarcastic people mean alot of what they say. and everything they you say is usually mean. people need to spend more time showing people they care about that they actually care instead of putting them down and the regreting it later.

i am still sad, euyore, sleepy sad. where my eyes just dont want to open as wide, where when i am walking to the bus and no one is looking at me i can feel my face in its full being, frowning. where everyday i really do wish i could sleep all day and not go to my 1 of 3 jobs. where when my phone dies im tempted to leave it off so that i dont have to talk to anyone. tears flow easily but more unexpectedly, i am weak, but i have recognized it, and i will try to fill my life with more things that really do make me happy.

i make decisions for myself now and i call people out when they say shit. i am honest. and more myself then i ever have been.

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i feel like i just stood on top of a telephone booth shouting at the top of my lungs, grabbing all the dust and static in the air, pulling it in, and stuffing it into the booth where its all stuck trying to make sense of a string of thoughts that has been cut into a million pieces. just pick up the phone and it will all be heard on the other side.