sleep and wake

everynight before i go to sleep i read my book. my book that tells me all these inpirational things and optimism and i should be thankful.

instead i can feel my soul. inside of me. my exact middle and i feel like someone is strangling it. squishing it. until it is dry and deteriorating. you cant stop the cycle of life and i think my soul is just about dead. too much experience. too many mistakes. too many shots. too many things i wish i never did. too many wishes wishing i was someone else. someone better.

and then in some moments i wouldnt change a thing.

so great

"i don't want to live where my shadow can offer the light.
i don't want to go where we're beautiful only at night."



i really love his writing style

writing prompt

If you had the opportunity to write as a career, what would you write?

i don't really know. somethings that inspires. something that people read and wish they could write like that. something that really makes a difference

or just mildly amusing quips. yes quips


----

so by living with ginger i have come to the realization that i am very jealous of her. and i am also realizing i am so insecure while being so secure at the same time.

-she is skinnier than me
-she is smarter than me
-she is funnier than me
-she has blue eyes
-she has more common sense
-she thinks for herself
-she has a family that eats dinners together
-she saves her money better than me
-i believe she is better liked by people
-she is taller than me
-she has smaller feet than me

i just feel like a big failure at life right not and im not really sure of how to change that fact. im slutting it up. i keep getting wasted by accident. i dont feel like im an interesting person, like i dont know why people like me. i dont want pity at all im just stating the facts. im not doing anything with my life. and im so insecure it bothers me! im not fat. why do i stress over that. if i was consoling a friend i was say.. dont be stupid you have so much going for you. you are beautiful. you do good at your job. you have a prospect in kelowna!( yay im so excited! ) you are going to school in january. you have a lot of fun all the time. you just got a new place with your best friend. stop thinking about other people. ginger has faults just like i do and everyone else does and everyone is different an stop bitching and change what you are unhappy about you idiot and just stop being a slut! its not that hard. godddd. holidayman has a show tomorrow and im pretty stoked about that. he is quite adorable in a ridiculously sexy way. i feel like shit i am so amazingly hungover today and ginger and i's way home was soooo funny hahaha i love that girl so much. and racist rob is pretty cool too. the skytrain is not. either is hidden washroom and starbucks when it makes me feel sick

things are going to come out differently

i have been influenced. i want to say things i dont want to explain them all i am doing is runnign in circles lieka retarded dog who thinks its tail is a toy. its not a toy its what waves around in the air after you take a shit. you could probably get sick from biting your tail all day long. i explain because i am scared to take that next step. say what i think. think what a feel. know what i feel. not altar what i feel. break the habit. i scare myself. i am so much smarter than so many people. who cares if im wrong sometimes. just say it. i dont think i like cooker i think i am using him as a temporary jacket until i find the one that fits me better. cooker is a good guy but i sneaking into bathrooms with him because its convenient and fun. for him its promising and he likes me more and more. and i am aware becuase i read ppl really well. and he is smart like me too so he knows how to hide it. but he doesnt know that ultimately i dont care how it works out cause i care more about how it works out with my lost jacket. all the way up north. so far away and holding my prized possesions like my ipod. fuck that shit. i am so unlucky. wallet, id, music, jacket, shoes, family, father, money, sense, ability, respect, faith, love. gone. who knows why i like to drink so much. and ppl laugh about it and smile. dont they know its pathetic. that i dont do anyting with my lfie because i am unhappy.; when i knwo that the reason i am unhappy is because i am doing nothiin with my life. and isnt that a circle that retarded dogs know all too well.. if they just stopped spinnign in circles they could sprint ahead and find that bouncing tennis ball. that brings them wagging tails and barks and joy. if life was as easy as a dogs.. then i would be bored as shit. i dont sleep even though i need to get up and do shit tomorrow but i know i wont but i should

things i should do
-paint the coffee cup
-write in here more
-find douglas courses
-do my laundry
-clean the kitchen
-spend less money
-get id
-be fucking thankful
-help kailey
-keg cup dance
-hanks
-stop saying things like "what isnt there another on in there?"
-i know there isnt another one and i lied cause i wanted it cause i was selfish


things i like about eel
-the way you look at me when you want me
-the way you are so happy falling asleep
-the way you laugh at the things i say
-the way you know i see through your barriers
-the wya you know we have something
-how when you laugh you look like a nerd
-you talk to strangers at the gas station
-you like primetimes
-you listen
-your interested
-youve gone travelling
-you talk back
-you grab me with force
-the way you want me so badly ad you show it
-your honestly
-your height
-the way you have my full attention even thoughyou live 5 hours away
-the way you have no idea how good we are for eachother
-how we talk like best friends on the phone
-how we can be short and we fully understand it
-you turn the knobs on my radio

i dont like
-how you dont talk on msn
-you dont always call back
-how you stopped talking to me multiple times
-you took a step forward and then turned around and ran the other way
-how you always have girls on the go
-you flirt
-you dont care if other ppl see
-you dont think like me
-you let things slide
-you dont dig right in
-you care more about you getting off than me
-you dont knwo where it is
-your too rough too much
-you talk about other ppl youve hooked up with
-your kryptonite

masks

"Did you know that the word "person" comes from the Latin word "persona", which means mask? So maybe being human means we invite spectators to ponder what lies behind. Each of us will be composed of a variety of masks, and if we can see behind the mask, we would get a burst of clarity. And if that flame was bright enough, that's when we fall in love. What's your opinion on these divine matters?"... from the movie 'war inc'

i struggle with myself constantly. and i realize how much i have to learn about myself everday. i am reminded that i need to support my own opinions and stop thinking about that the best option is and do the best option for me. and i need to start standing up for what i believe and and not letting things slide. and call ppl out on things. and not give ppl the benifit of the doubt. i feel fake. but i know im not. i just like making other people happy before myself. and ginger seems so confident in her choices all the time. because she just does what we thinks and sticks with it. she doesnt over analyze. i am jealous of that. and she has opinions on other ppl where as i tend to go along with what they think. yet i always do what i want to be doing. i just dont get it. am i supposed to? cause then what would i do next?

i feel like i am made up of many different masks. cute me. deviant me. serious me. flirty me. annoying me. bitchy me. are they all different parts of me? or can the real me shine through on all these occasions. its just that sometimes alot of the time i come home and im not happy with the person i have become. i feel like i can do better and im not being myself enough but i feel like i act like myself allday though. im trying to say i dont know who i am yet and that scares me especially because sometimes i speak with so much clarity it scares me. and i am so sure of myself and i think i am football fields ahead of others in this game we call life. who knows i guess were all just differnt colored gumballs in the machine. or just like snowflakes all pretty much the some yet so unbelievably different.


mgmt - time to pretend

shock me like an electric eel

sometimes things just turn around. and not for the better but not for the worse.

i randomly think about eel sometimes. about the would have and could haves. and the other day he said hello to me and said that he was thinking about me. and that he thinks we should take things a little more seriously and not just hook up randomly. i agree with this statment. cause ive always thought he was more than nothing. like i said he is my never anything but always something. myself ginger and musicman might make a trip to visit him. i want that to happen.

things get a little bit complicated and i let it.

i always get drunk and do things that i know i shouldnt have and then i wake up and wonder why i allowed myself to do that. and htne i say to myself i wont let it happen again and then as soon as i have another drink i decide oh well i will just get drunk again and then i let the same things happen over and over. am i on the train and the next stop is alohalism?

anyway, on halloween where you could say i was young and drunk and high i decided to be very forward. so i walked up to cooker and ask him if he would like to make out because i wanted to. just like that. and so we did. and i think that cooker is really an amazing guy and we connect alot and talk ver easily and have the same mindset about alot of things. we think like frogs and toads. the same yet different. and then the other night we both got drunk again and we made out again. so what i am saying is that i like cooker (i think) but i like eel more. and i know that i will choose eel over cooker anyday even though cooker is the nicer guy at the end of the day. and i need to figure out what is going on with eel before i do anything more with cooker. but i made out with cooker twice. so now does he think something is going to happen? i dont know how to get out of this situation but i do know that i am mature and need to be held responsible for my actions and i need to not lead cooker on because he is an amazingly nice guy. therefore. no more making out when we are drunk.