i am being taken advantage of

Dew just called me and basically told me that I am picking him up later from his managers house. sweet. i know that he just assumed that i would because i could tell by the way that he didnt ask he just said so yah you might have to pick me up later. and then he just decides that i also have to drive his manager friend bt home too. why not be nicer about it. and at least pretend that you are interested in what i did today. kinda piss me off. but i kinda want to go and pick him up because then i get to see pie whom i haven't seen in a really long time and he loves me.

i got ridiculous drunk on friday with ginger and decided it would be a good idea to call moth and say fuck you. then he proceeded to walk all the way to my house and as i bawl my eyes out he can tell me everything is going to be okay. there was a moment that I DO remember even though i pretty much dont remember anyything we were talking about. we almost kissed. not so much almost as he told me to look at him. and i did. and we just kept staring at eachother. and i wasn't going to stop it. but he did. and he hugged me. cause i am a drunken idiot. and just do not understand. i think it really was like a friendship kiss. if it were to happen. in the weirdest way possible it would have been closure, of the fact that out friendship is okay and i will be okay. i dont know why i care so much, i have too. no matter what i just love the guy. and i just am not ready to end this friendship with him. everything just has to be okay with him or seriously my world ends. it ENDS, i have now officially cried my eyes out over a guy. that is my friend. i bet ill read this years later and think so myself silly me how did i not notice that im not in love with the guy and should just be with him already. and then i will realize that i already knew i should but for some reason something is stopping me.

and i know that deep down i could never fall in love with dew because i love someone else. and its just a fact


streetfight - hedley, so buy me the ocean and paint it with pretty little stars.

im so dissapointed in myself

so basically today i am feeling pretty pathetic

today niai came over to drop off a blanket and it just wasnt the same. it hasnt been the same ever since i told him i am going out with dew and it makes me so sad. and i cant believe he said that to britt and i just am at my whits end about what to do. we talked for about an hour just about random stuff and we can talk we really can and it was almost like old times. almost

but it was tainted.

there were lulls

and there is never lulls with us. its like the end of an era

i feel like its all my fault

its not like i can be mad at him. but i can be because he is also acting so stupid.. we just kept making little comments at eachother and i know he knows something is up. i know he is feeling the same way as me. but maybe its true, maybe we cant be friends if one of us has a boyfriend. i mean if he got a girlfriend i would be SO jealous so i cant even imagine how he feels right now. im not even going to try. i just hate the way that things are changing. i just feel like its never going to be the same. i hope that isnt the case though...

i dont really know how to co exist without being best friends with iain, and i hope i never forget all the amazing times that we had together. i just feel like shit i really do

and im so weak. i have a primetime and TODAY after he leaves i decide to have it. and now i am drinking a beer. alone. because i feel sad. that would classify me as an alcoholic i would say. whatever. im mourning haha.

i dont really know what else to say its just so sad


its cool, we can still be friends - bright eyes


that song always reminded me of you.. the stars are pretty dim tonight

no spice

I was walking around campus today carrying my laptop as if it was just another one of my textbooks. What if i dropped it? Its so weird technology! Who would of thought we would be this advanced it really does scare me sometimes.

ALSO

quote of the year, from the one and only faggot 'moth' yah right D6 YOU WISH

"its not like I even need to be friends with her, i have enough girlfriends as it is.."

enough said

seriously fuck you! you are soooo selfish and immature i cant even handle it anymore and i dont even want to try to repair this friendship because all you do is be friends with me when its good for you and you are doing nothing with your life and most impoartantly

that comment that you made to her deeply deeply hurt my feelings. i cant believe you coudl even say somehting liek that about our friendship.. what we HAD was so special and we have been through so much! and you just think its nothing like im just another one of your friens. well im not. i was your bestfriend. now i dont even know anymore. maybe some effort on your part would be nice. until then . peace have a fun life guess i wont talk to you later..

i really wanted to tell him about the dream i had and the dew was in it too but it was me and him the whole time and i know why is was but im not going to say it because then it is true and i dont want it to be. maybe you will go away to university and grow up and comeback a man and able ot eat without food allover your face and we can start all over and.......................

who knows

OK so first off i have been extra conscious of my weight recently.. i keep seeing my reflection every time i walk into school everyday and noticing my hips and i dont like it at all! i really want to get toned and into shape so as soon as i am out of school i want to go running and on that elliptical machine often... i could tone my abs so that they are nice for the summer and also my legs and ass a bit too. yep thats what i am going to do, maybe me and dew can go to the gym he says he wants to but im not sure how into it he is..

i am also spending way to much money lately! 115 this weekend! shit! i dont have money like that!

these are so boring i always think of shit to write and then when i get the chance to my mind goes blank and normal and i cant think of interesting ways to make boring shit sound fun. my hand is cramping as im typing this, thats kinda weird.

this is what i have to do in the next month/3 weeks:

ENGLISH
6-8 page essay on global warming
half page summaries on 7 different works
final exam

FPA
presentation on Quentin tarantino
6-8 page term paper on moulin rouge

CMPT
assignment 3 web page
final
lab 9

i think thats about it

but i work a lot and i have a boyfriend this is tricky

i need to stop writing blogs and avoiding homework.

ALSO
moth is a retard. he WAS being avoidy holy shit!!!!! but i don't care whatever our relationship is changing and i hate it and i know he hates it too he is just to immature to deal with it. W.E

** i need to make time to see Richmond people especially Kailey Melissa and Noah. NEED to i miss them. life is just tricky.

thugs mansion acoustic version - tupac

scout and stitches part one

scout = K

i am in Winnipeg right now with my awesome cousins and i really quickly just wanted to get this in because i don't want to forget. but every time i come out here with K things always surface that i have no clue about, and this is the girl and cousin that i have known all my life and love. so i want to ask her why i never find out about these things until we are with other family members i.e laura or Melissa or when she really is breaking down. i know were not as close anymore bu ti still feel like i share everything with her and i don't like that she doesn't confide in me because i feel like it creates a distance. and she stays strong and i know shes just keeping it in but i want her to tell me because i care about her.. i will expand later she is really close!

the gymstar, britney singing, buffalo loving, mother adoring, most beautiful person on earth

Hey Jennygym! I mean the J the center and the core of the three of us.



I miss you so much. I just keep realizing over and over that you are gone and I never took the time to see you more often. I never made the effort, and I missed out on the opportunity to learn so much about the way I should be living my life. I know this all sounds corny and fake but I mean every little bit of it.



Today I made necklaces for me and you and Kay. They really are beautiful and I am so happy that I got them for us because it means so much to me. I hope you can see them I hope you can feel how much me and Kay miss you. It's just so sad. And your mom is so amazing she is handling it so well. I hope you liked our lei. We made it pink for you. I was thinking about getting your dates tattooed on me somewhere. As credit to you and also as a reminder to live life to the fullest like you did. So many people should have gone before you it's just not fair.



Here are the pics of the necklaces, I hope you like them. Love you Forever.

myspace and music

okay so first off if i ever get the chance i would like to write an essay on music and how it is being revolutionized by websites such as facebook and myspace. It is pretty crazy how many new people not eve artists that are being recognized.. examples jay brannan, jeffrey star, the teenagers. they are all popular and have a huge fan base because of the internet. now you dont have to be on the inside to get popular in the industry just the righ tperson has to fall across your myspace profile or you need to comment on an artists site and BAM you are in.

on a second note, mr nothing texted me randomly today and i havent talked to him for a very long time this guy is so predictable! well kinda. yesterday at work mr nothings bestfriend the music man who had a crush on ginger came into the keg. and firstly i miss hanging out with that guy! he is so cool! and talented too i wish i could hear more of his music. but anyway, he must have talked to the mr. and told him that he saw me at the keg and then that must have gotten his wheels turning hence the text message today. and he even has the guts so say 'i was just thinking about you so i thought id see how you're doing' WTF haha really?? who says that. just because he knows hes smooth doesnt mean its going to effect me. but it does, i always think about that guy. i was just thinking about how i think about him and mr red hot daily, literally everyday. and also the one and only fabolous too just becuase he is the special one. but yah if mr nothing knew that i think about him everyday that would be so creepy! i always wonder if he is thinking about me but i guess not he only remembered me cause his friend reminded him that i exist. and PLUS he was totally creeping on blondie from work and apparently brought her flowers and he ALSO was trying to get hipsters sister back again AND was going for hipster befgore too.. what does he think? he can get every hostess at the keg? YA RIGHT! he can go for gwar cause she wants him she tells me everyday of her life. the sad thing is that i really shoudlnt be bothered or thinking about this or blogging about this at all because i have a boyfriend and should be happy with that. AND I AM, I really am so happy about it, but you just cant help to htink what if. i mean dew is so much better number one he isnt an asshole, he knows how to have a relationship and not ditch people. he respects me, he doesnt TRY to force me to do shit with him i just want too! hahaha and i know that he likes me, i never knew if mr nothing ever liked me cause he always had to keep that cool exterior on. dammit though i wish we relaly tried at it before i met dew because i think we would of had fun and it would of been a good time but W.E i liek th esituation i am in right now AND i stopped tecting him back!! yessss score one for me, he can think about me know looooooser

on another note im not talking to moth right now just becua seof life and shit and busyness but it really sucks i miss him and he doesnt have a cell so that sucks too. i really want go to his place in the states realllly badly! maybe when i get home from visiting my familyyyyyy

jack johnsons WHOLE c.d - sleep through the static

im obsessed he is so good and chill and i cant wait for beach and volleyball and beer and static noise in the summer its going to be sick brians