mountain dew leads to death

yah so i havent been here in a while

it has been a fucking shit show lately!!! i mean sometimes o wonder where i have been and what ive been doing and is it worth my time?? alll i want to do is chill and get all my music done which had been the goal of my fucking life and i just get preoccupied catching up on my fav boy band freak WHICH i just found out sadly the truth about which i was denying for so very long.

yes jake well i ran into matt who knows you form the inside and yes jake you really do fuck around dont you? poor girlfriend oh im sorry i mean wifey shes so nice to you! i was just watching your canadian idol videos she relaly loves you i remember i was talking --lie--- i caught it!

but anyway im disappointed but as disappointed as i may be i would still party with you and solely for the reason that i wouldnt ask you the questions everyone else asks you i would ask how you are feeling and what you think of the randomest and most important things there is.

right now all im really thinking about is dew and ill probably change that nickname as time goes on cause i feel like he might stick around for a while so funny the way he asked me out i was actually laughing in the lab and everyone fricken looks at me like that stupid girl whos all caught up in a boy except im only half caught up. he is cool and i do like him but i just cant help thinking all the what ifs and if there is something better out there i was thinking this as i was leaving trash campus and i was thinking maybe i dont want a bf and yes that is WAY down the road but im a girl and i think about these things. and its not fair to judge me of all people should know that i have a fucking scar on my body because of it. and also i have never done this sober with him i think itll be fine tho dinner should be fine im soooo nervous ive never gone out to dinner before!!! ive gone a to movie with mr nothing before i guess that counts but nothing like soooooo dateish like jesus!!! i hope it goes well.. i guess we will see. i keep getting the heeby jeebies thinking about it so i guess thats a good sign.. im just so nervous for the sex part! i dont want to be bad! and i know i wont until i feel like the time is right, could this be it? who knows im blabbing

and then on the other hand but the hand that is lower but this attatched to me is mr red hot i mean allll were doing in texting i mean its nothinggg its nothinggg but i know its there he invited me out to dinner with him and hes so cute but i think dew is the better catch and i dont want to play these people i dont want to do that cause it just makes everything so hardddddd

and fricken moth whatta dumbass now that i think about it! why would he do that why would he put me in a position like that he is totally taking advantage of me AGAIN why do i not care seriously like i just let him do this shit. pretending to be me and texting a totaly creeper and hes so scary and dirty! what if i saw him on the street and he attacked me or something it could happen it really could and if that day ever comes i home he feels like shit about it. WHY DID I SAY THAT TO HIM i honestly dont think that i did. why would i say that! its the exact opposite of the way i feel! who knows but hes coming over later so ill speak to him then im all tell him that that wasnt right that he did that without my permission.

too much partying now that im 19 and not so much focus on school or cleaning my room for that matter

i feel unoriginal and i skipped my photography class and i feel really guilty about missing it but oh welllllll itll be kind of emabrrasing going into that class and not having very much to show but i guess ill try and go in on wednesday and close my eyes and cop a feel of my way through it. i really just want to find that story i wrote in religion in gr 12 it was a really good one and it was right in the middle of when i was sad and all my true feelings came out and i was surprised at how beautiful it sounds

i come out of my lecture on the 5th floor every mon wed and fri and i look over the edge and i think about jumping every time lately ive been thinking that alot i think about what my funeral would be like and what people would say about me and what their reactions would be and who would show up and everything like that.

i like keeping up but its just so hard to do everything and get everything done at the same time

paramore is fucking good
but more so justin nozuka is playing tomorrow night and im missing it for a boy oh me oh my!! DEW your in for a wile ride and i just need to remember not to push it and to play it cool and not get too attatched or at least not show it cause that pushes him away i gotta make him work for it, i think i can do it but study and room cleaning time for me

arrividenchi! i wish ginger played vball with me yesterday it would of been fun.