Scared

I'm so scared right now..

Something is really happening to me and I dont understand it at all. I'm just hit with scaredness/aloneness/idontevenfuckingknow. I get scared and short of breath and full of anxiety and I just cry. I feel like everyone thinks im weird and that I dont fit in with normal conversations. no one gets it, K is really trying she cares, but my other friends aren't around or asking me how im doing. H seems mad at me which i think is really getting to me. i try so hard to make everyone like me and it doesnt seem to be working. sometimes i have these thoughts that i dont know how to organize... its like my body is not my own or like i dont have control over what im doing/ my life? i just cant do it. i dont feel like myself. i convince myself that Ni doesnt care, that he has better things to do, that he thinks im annoying or in the way. thats how i feel today. and just a few days agoi was writing in my journal about how i think im falling in love with him. then i shouldnt have thoughts like i am today. i wish it was all just easier. normal people dont think like this and i wish i was just normal and i just didnt have to care about any of this. im just so alone and i dont know what to do. i want to just stay alone all day and hide from everyone because really the only time i feel really good is when im lying with ni and falling asleep. i feel safe and i dont have to talk or explain or do anything. and its not right to just tell anyone about my thoughts. i dont want to make them feel like they have to care. and they will just think im weird or crazy anyway. its just so scary im actually so scared ahhhhhhh. why the fuck am i crying right now!! stop it! i didnt do anything stressfultoday. at all. i wrote a midterm that i was prepared for and did fine. then i went shopping and got stuff that made me feel good. a curling iron. face lotion and soap. clothes. im thinking its just like theres no point at all anymore. and its so retarded because i just wrote that everything i was doing was the point of life the other day. i dont understand why my thoughts are so scattered. im going to go to sleep.