Twenty

So today is my birthday and I am twenty years old. I think about where I was a year ago and how much I have learned matured evolved changed since then. Thought I would recap exactly where I am right so that next year I will have a legit reference!

-I am completely happy being independent. Me and ginger have our place and I am no longer living with my mom. We have plans of possibly moving in with Drew and Dave, or the possibility of taking over my moms place with Lo as well and getting over our mediocre place here. although i still like it.

-I am enjoying being single. im not hooking up with anyone. and for the first time in my life i am okay with not wanting/liking/having a boy. if a relationship is going to happen itll happen, you cant force that shit! and worrying about it all of the time is just time consuming and pointless.
---that being said, i have a short stint with jeremiah where i let him get to me but im glad thats over! thank god he was a cocky son of a bitch
---me and mr nothing chat every once and a while but who knows about that. i think. next time he is in town its ultimatum time. "you know (insert name), i have a lot of fun with you and your a pretty awesome guy. you obviously know i have something for you, but i dont want this up in the air shit where we will talk all the time and then randomly not for a long time. im not saying that i want to go out with you. i am saying that you've got one more chance. so think about it, make up your mind, and call me if you want. goodnight :)"
---when i broke up with sids 8 months ago i was so sad and i thought i was in love with him possibly and i didnt know how long it would take for me to get over him. i am OVER him. applause please! he was an asshole, still is, and is selfish. and he doenst even know it! i pity you sids and i hope one day you figure it out.
---i still think about n ick. pretty often. he is so frickin hot
-im really liking work but making shit money. i want to transfer to thurlow, gi, or a new restaurant. i really think my group of friends at work is real and value them so much. thank god for work!! yayy!!!! im also doing well serving i believe

-i am enjoying my psych classes and keeping up (for the most part) with school. i think i want to me a psychologist, psychiatrist, maybe work with handicapped people, children, or ppl with mental problems or that have been abused or traumatized in their lives.

-i have anger about my dad and i dont know how to deal with it.

-me and KK are as close as ever! she is going through alot and i just want to be the best friend that i can be. i love her so much and hope that she realizes what she is worth. i dont want anything to change with us or anything to happen to her. if she dies from this i don think i would ever recover. i thnk about her everysingle day and we really do think on the same level. im glad she shares my optimism and dreams and accepts me for who i am. ah the journey of life.

- i think i need a therapist and could be slightly depressed and/or was despressed.

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what do i want from my twentieth year of life?

-a trip of some sort
-to save a decent amount of money
-to fall in love
-do something ive never done before
-be truthful all the time
-make time for the people i care about
-be a bit less lazy
-not talk bad aout people
-dont comment on ppls appearences when i approach them. compliment on the inside stuff
-confront the ppl that need to be confronted
-make an advance about my future?
-fucking organize my music and keep up with it!
-see hedley at least once

i think thats it.

thankyou for your time.

TMI

Soo originally I had this on facebook and I really liked the idea of it. But now I feel it's a little but of TMI and people dont need to know all of this. Regardless I am glad I did it but I would rather have it on this blog where I can remain annonymous.

The purpose was to write 16 things, random, or whatever you feel and what people dont know about it.

Sooo I'm super scared to start this this but kudos to Candice for being the first, and Mona to second her and give me courage haha.. This note isn't here to reveal information to my friends. It is here because I wanted to realize more about myself that I didn't already know.. You only live once right?

1. I know everyone has a screwed up family (or most) but I really do think mine is extra retarded. I have basically raised myself (and secretly my brother) since I was 12. I can't tell if as a result of this my childhood was a good thing because I am now a stronger person that I would of been... Or if it has traumatized me and I will never fully recover.

2.I have no idea why I do this but I lie about stupid things everyday for absolutely no reason, and I have been doing it since elementary school. For example. "Hey Natalie, do you watch Family Guy?" me-"Yah! I love it it's so funny" and then the person will proceed to say a funny episode where Peter wishes he had no bones (which is the only episode I really remember) and I will laugh and pretend to know what they are talking about. I do stupid shit like this everyday almsot without even thinking about it. Sometimes I dont even realize I lied until the conversation is over. It's SO weird..

3. I do not appreciate negative people. Being pessimistic will never help a situation. Neither will complaining about how tired/hungover/how you have a weird ache in your back ever influence someone for the better. If you complain or are negative on a daily basis you have a problem and should realize it! I pride myself on being a generally happy and poistive person. Even if things are bad, try to stay optimistic about it.. I swear it helps!

4.I hate this conversation

Ignoramous - WOWWW you're a gymnast? So you can do flips and stuff right!?

me: Well I was a gymnast, and yea i did flips and stuff

Ignoramous: DO A FLIP!!

Me: no thanks.

Ignoramous: So you're basically a dancer right? You twirl that ribbon and throw that ball in the air and stuff?

me: No I am not a dancer, and no I don't twirl a ribbon and occasionally jump. I did Vault, Bars, Beam, and Floor for ten years.. Completely different than Rythmic Gymnastics

Ignoramous: SO you must be realllly flexible right??

me: DONT ASK ME THIS! Yes when I was doing gym I was very flexible, I still am quite flexible. No, I cannot turn myself into a human pretzel and stop thinking of weird sexual positions we could do. gross.

Thank god for Gymnastics because it taught me so much about life. If I didn't spend 30 hours a week all through highschool I would probably be a huge druggie, a promiscuous slut, and most likely on the streets doing crack or something.

5. I have a huge issue with confrontation. I hardly ever get mad at people even when I should be, and let people get away with walking all over me all the time. I am too trusting and give people way too many chances because I like making other people happy and enjoy going out of my way for people. The problem is that I put people ahead of myself so often that I never deal with my own needs or issues.

6. On that note I have three major issues/conversations that I need to deal with before I can move on with my life. I need to confront my Dad about how he has ruined our relationship by transforming into a completely different person and never talks to his kids anymore. Confront my Mom and tell her I am not her best friend, and she cant take everything out on me/tell me every detail of her life/ be crazy just becasue she knows I will forgive her. And one last thing I don't want to talk about on here (sorry too personal!) All of these issues have been here for years yet I still haven't addressed them! hmmm...

7. I really wish I was funny. I always get too excited when telling jokes or stories and I tell the climax/punchline at the beginning because I get too excited! I think if I was more funny I wouldn't percieve myself as boring.

8.I really hate elevators, big crowds of people (especially when you can smell everyone if that makes any sense), big escalators, and if your in a group and you end up walking on the outside or sitting on the end of the table. I have nooo idea why

9. I worry about my brother every single day. I worry about his future, if he is going to turn out like Dad, his habits, his attitude, him being young and stupid with his friends, him driving way to fast, his everything.. I really wish he would realize his potential and DO something with it! :) I also wish he would be nicer to me and apologize when he knows he has been mean.

10. I find humans and their unique minds and behavior absolutely fascinating. Why each individual makes certain decisions, acts, talks, thinks, communicates, the way they live their life and deal with situations in such different ways.. It's crazy that we are all so different yet we all need to just eat and sleep at the end of the day.

11. I don't like the fact that I am very easily influenced by others. I think because when people I care about the most suggest something... Making them happy makes me happy so I will do it. Or when a friend gets something new or thinks something is really cool.. I will suddenly think its cool. I just want to be dconfident in my own decision without thinking about what everyone else thinks.

12. I get along and can easily carry a conversation with 9 out of 10 people I meet. However, that tenth person I run into either makes me SO nervous ( I hardly everrr get nervous around anyone), or I just cant carry a conversation with them for the life of me! The interesting thing is this is usually a person that everyone gets along with very easily, and is completely approachable and not intimidating. I just dont get it haha

13. I think I have a drinking problem. Not because I drink all the time, but because when I drink I usually get wassssted. It's either intentional (don't know why I want too so badly), or completely unintentional I just never stop drinking until every last drop of booze is gone. It scares me because waking up and not knowing how your night went on a weekly basis isnt fun. I have had enough horrible and embarassing experience involving alcohal that I should of learned by now... This is a new realization and I am slowly cutting down.. not on my 20th BDayy tho! Booyaaa!

14. People should really think before they open their mouth sometimes. Making complete fun of someone and then adding "just joking!" onto the end doesn't work all the time. Sometimes (most of the time) in my opinion people are self conscious or embarassed about whatever you brought up and they will think and stress about it for days, weeks years, who knows? Just think about it

15. My mind can run away with me alot of the time and I am so thankful for my bestfriends who keep me grounded and listen to me when I desperately need to talk and tell me that my assumptions about myself and others can be wrong. Put simply, you have helped me become the person I am today and I would be so lost without your support. <3

16. Lastly, I love just spending an after noon just doing absolutely nothing but talking with someone whether it be a complete stranger or family member or old/bestfriend. Especially people I already know well because if you can still do this then you know we arent just still friends because parts of our past are shared.

"Happyness is only real when shared"


PHEWF!

1 2 3 dont go

Today was a day just like any other.
No it wasn't.

I didn't do anything today. Nothing. So much happened.

I talked to fabolous. He calls dew mrbrown. I thought that was funny. I think fabolous and me are on the exact same page. I always think about him. He was my first. I cared so much about him. I still get butterflies thinking about him and I haven't seen him in over two years.

I haven't forgotten the sound of his footsteps.

He said that if he had a phone maybe he would have beaten mr brown to the punch. I say that that is a load of shit but the meaning is still there. He still thinks about it. He still talks to me on msn when there is no reason to talk to me. We could still be.

We could still be

Maybe in the future. That's what he says too. Maybe in the future we will see more of eachother and we could try. I think that is a good idea. But there is a lot of maybe in the future with alot of the guys I used to like alot and then they all one by one ditched me. But not fabolous actually. That was just an eventual fading of time. Fading of lives. Changing of lives. When I slowly grew up

I realized last night while I was telling dew how I was raped how bad it was.

I almost forgot.

And I still talk to the guy. For years I was friends with him. I’m pretty sure I let him take advantage of me again at his house and then I cried about it. He was such a dick to me. Spread rumours about things we didn’t do for no reason. Told people he planned to do it. Stole scouts phone. Stole money from his parents.

He stole my virginity.

My first time having sex I got raped by someone that I thought was my friend. And he told people that he had anal sex with me too. I know that didn’t happen. I know because I would be able to feel it. I could feel that he had raped me. It hurts. I would know if we had anal sex.

Maybe that’s why when me and stan and moth have our cosmo nights I talk so badly about anal sex. Maybe its all psychological and that’s why it creeps me out.

Dew is right I should never talk to the rapist.

I don’t know why I am so nice to people that don’t deserve my sincerness
- - - -

So lets change the subject. Kindof.

I’m just going to lay it all out there.

I went away to visit my family in a city that doesn’t matter towards the story except for that I wasn’t at home. And my two best friends from highshcool facebook me and tell me that they booked a flight to M and the flight costs 600 dollars and they are going from this date to that date.

At the same time my cousin has invited me to California with out friend Blanche (because she attends makeup school) anyway. I denied both because I just paid for a 400 dollar plane ride and I’m not rich.

Everything is cool

Then I find out that I have an exam after my friends go to M so I wouldn’t of been able to go anyway. Well then, good thing I didn’t buy the ticket.

Then I find out that for Cali, my flights there and back, my hotel stay, and my hotel is all 330 dollars. Half of what M’s flight is!

So I book the flight to Cali. And it doesn’t conflict with my exams. It is a beautiful opportunity.

And then I go on msn and Hilton doesn’t answer me. Oh btw my friends are in M right now. Oh yah and then when I go on facebook she has written on my wall “ you choose cali over m, the end, goodbye”

In her language that means I’m causing drama because I think that I know the whole story and I’m a big fat bitch and I like to bitch about my friends when they aren’t here. And when I come home in a week im going to isolate you and be bitchy to you because I think that everyone is as rich as me and can just afford to miss their exams and pay for a 600 dollar flight

Yah well suck it

Am I wrong?

Why do I feel so guilty about going to cali?

Hilton is so rude

I am not happy about it. And even worse that means ginger and blair are bitching about me too. Blair im not surprised and she will hear about it if I find out she was bitching about me. Ginger on the other hand I will just be so upset. SO upset. I hope she doesn’t break and bad mouth me. Her opinion means the most.

- - - - -

So anyways, on top of all of that I have my last exam tomorrow and my GPA is really low. Like close to failing low.

And I just want to give up

I am failing at university and I don’t know what to do with my life because I know I am capable. But of what??

Join the club right





Do you really know what its like – twisted ( I think its by him)

tree branches are pretty

Moth and I are back on track! Very exciting news.. We talked it out today and everything is good and we agreed to stop fighting over such stupid things.. Because who knows why we were even fighting in the first place? Now when he goes away to school we can still be friends and I can visit him and everything will be good! YAY!

Also

I really need to learn how to study. I'm at the library right now.. Not studying.. Have an exam tomorrow. That's awesome. Going to fail.. Sweetlife.

the S**C A**z**g *ir** G**u* is so sweet! I am so happy that I made it but Gin&Juice needs to still join. That's okay there is still time for her to do it.


Moby - has some different stuff going on