1 2 3 dont go

Today was a day just like any other.
No it wasn't.

I didn't do anything today. Nothing. So much happened.

I talked to fabolous. He calls dew mrbrown. I thought that was funny. I think fabolous and me are on the exact same page. I always think about him. He was my first. I cared so much about him. I still get butterflies thinking about him and I haven't seen him in over two years.

I haven't forgotten the sound of his footsteps.

He said that if he had a phone maybe he would have beaten mr brown to the punch. I say that that is a load of shit but the meaning is still there. He still thinks about it. He still talks to me on msn when there is no reason to talk to me. We could still be.

We could still be

Maybe in the future. That's what he says too. Maybe in the future we will see more of eachother and we could try. I think that is a good idea. But there is a lot of maybe in the future with alot of the guys I used to like alot and then they all one by one ditched me. But not fabolous actually. That was just an eventual fading of time. Fading of lives. Changing of lives. When I slowly grew up

I realized last night while I was telling dew how I was raped how bad it was.

I almost forgot.

And I still talk to the guy. For years I was friends with him. I’m pretty sure I let him take advantage of me again at his house and then I cried about it. He was such a dick to me. Spread rumours about things we didn’t do for no reason. Told people he planned to do it. Stole scouts phone. Stole money from his parents.

He stole my virginity.

My first time having sex I got raped by someone that I thought was my friend. And he told people that he had anal sex with me too. I know that didn’t happen. I know because I would be able to feel it. I could feel that he had raped me. It hurts. I would know if we had anal sex.

Maybe that’s why when me and stan and moth have our cosmo nights I talk so badly about anal sex. Maybe its all psychological and that’s why it creeps me out.

Dew is right I should never talk to the rapist.

I don’t know why I am so nice to people that don’t deserve my sincerness
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So lets change the subject. Kindof.

I’m just going to lay it all out there.

I went away to visit my family in a city that doesn’t matter towards the story except for that I wasn’t at home. And my two best friends from highshcool facebook me and tell me that they booked a flight to M and the flight costs 600 dollars and they are going from this date to that date.

At the same time my cousin has invited me to California with out friend Blanche (because she attends makeup school) anyway. I denied both because I just paid for a 400 dollar plane ride and I’m not rich.

Everything is cool

Then I find out that I have an exam after my friends go to M so I wouldn’t of been able to go anyway. Well then, good thing I didn’t buy the ticket.

Then I find out that for Cali, my flights there and back, my hotel stay, and my hotel is all 330 dollars. Half of what M’s flight is!

So I book the flight to Cali. And it doesn’t conflict with my exams. It is a beautiful opportunity.

And then I go on msn and Hilton doesn’t answer me. Oh btw my friends are in M right now. Oh yah and then when I go on facebook she has written on my wall “ you choose cali over m, the end, goodbye”

In her language that means I’m causing drama because I think that I know the whole story and I’m a big fat bitch and I like to bitch about my friends when they aren’t here. And when I come home in a week im going to isolate you and be bitchy to you because I think that everyone is as rich as me and can just afford to miss their exams and pay for a 600 dollar flight

Yah well suck it

Am I wrong?

Why do I feel so guilty about going to cali?

Hilton is so rude

I am not happy about it. And even worse that means ginger and blair are bitching about me too. Blair im not surprised and she will hear about it if I find out she was bitching about me. Ginger on the other hand I will just be so upset. SO upset. I hope she doesn’t break and bad mouth me. Her opinion means the most.

- - - - -

So anyways, on top of all of that I have my last exam tomorrow and my GPA is really low. Like close to failing low.

And I just want to give up

I am failing at university and I don’t know what to do with my life because I know I am capable. But of what??

Join the club right





Do you really know what its like – twisted ( I think its by him)