Scared

I'm so scared right now..

Something is really happening to me and I dont understand it at all. I'm just hit with scaredness/aloneness/idontevenfuckingknow. I get scared and short of breath and full of anxiety and I just cry. I feel like everyone thinks im weird and that I dont fit in with normal conversations. no one gets it, K is really trying she cares, but my other friends aren't around or asking me how im doing. H seems mad at me which i think is really getting to me. i try so hard to make everyone like me and it doesnt seem to be working. sometimes i have these thoughts that i dont know how to organize... its like my body is not my own or like i dont have control over what im doing/ my life? i just cant do it. i dont feel like myself. i convince myself that Ni doesnt care, that he has better things to do, that he thinks im annoying or in the way. thats how i feel today. and just a few days agoi was writing in my journal about how i think im falling in love with him. then i shouldnt have thoughts like i am today. i wish it was all just easier. normal people dont think like this and i wish i was just normal and i just didnt have to care about any of this. im just so alone and i dont know what to do. i want to just stay alone all day and hide from everyone because really the only time i feel really good is when im lying with ni and falling asleep. i feel safe and i dont have to talk or explain or do anything. and its not right to just tell anyone about my thoughts. i dont want to make them feel like they have to care. and they will just think im weird or crazy anyway. its just so scary im actually so scared ahhhhhhh. why the fuck am i crying right now!! stop it! i didnt do anything stressfultoday. at all. i wrote a midterm that i was prepared for and did fine. then i went shopping and got stuff that made me feel good. a curling iron. face lotion and soap. clothes. im thinking its just like theres no point at all anymore. and its so retarded because i just wrote that everything i was doing was the point of life the other day. i dont understand why my thoughts are so scattered. im going to go to sleep.

I think... That sometimes I write things that are pretty legitimate.

Other times not so much.

I just felt proud of myself, which was nice.

But now I'm going to jump headfirst into my endless black hole of Social Psychology and FUNdamentals of Business. Which by the way if your wondering, isn't very fun.

I actually wrote this befoe my last post and never actually posted it

Almost had a panic attack on the skytrain today, that was weird. I don't really know what that was all about.

I am verging on freaking out about my (oh no) 3 whole classes. Like, get serious N, it cant be thattt much work. People take 5 classes and work so what am I whining about. I have two midterms next week. One of which is on 5 chapters, and my business one which is Chapters 1-7 and I haven't even taken the textbook out of its wrapping yet. GOD. Plus another midterm the week after that. Did I mention that I have to meet with 2 different groups as our project outlines are due as well? Great

I mean that's all fine and dandy and sure, I COULD get all that done. But unfortunately I have a game tomorrow which takes up my time from 1pm on. and work all day saturday, and practice again on sunday, then i work on monday, and whoa there we go! My mid term in on tuesday.

I'm such a complainer. Why dont I just stop writing on here and start researching or reviewing for my papers and projects?

What I should really do is go see a doctor to explain why I am constantly tired, unmotivated, sad, teary, irritable, dont want to do anything, wish that I get hit by a car so i can go into critical condition and stop having to worry about everyday issues. That would be nice. I almost fainted when I was walking up the hill today. I just constantly feel like I'm unsteady.

Guess it doesn't help that I am dealing with breaking my lease at my old apartment and that my old roommates are being really hard to deal with and I feel like I am doing everything myself. I just cant do it all anymore. I just want to give up and quit. All of it. No, I'm not talking suicide, I'm not that emo, but fuck this is so annoying I never enjoy anything I do.

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this is such an unlegit post. look what I've sunk to. Oooo pity me I'm a sad girl. God I'm pathetic.

One Two Another

"I'm glad I decided to wear this sweater today rather than my coat. If I wore my coat I would be way too hot. This sweater is perfect for today.."

Sweater is biege.. closer to dark brown because of all the dirt smeared onto it. Holes all over his pants and withered shoes.

Imagine if you one had the choice between wearing one sweater and one coat everyday.

How lucky we are and how unfortunate are others.

---

I walked by a man on W4th and he had a small clump of tissues and one water bottle.

To take a shower and bath himself.

Imagine if you didnt ever have access to a bathroom.

---

Literally makes me want to cry

Fit

Interesting Fact:

If you are walking up a hill the best way to do it is to walk in a zig zagged line. It puts less strain on your knees and you can make larger strides. Try it out one day.

#2:

Those statues of soldier on horses. You know if they died in battle if the horse is back on its hind legs. I one leg is raised I think it means they died of natural causes. There are multiple meanings, but look it up isnt that so cool! Hoe many people see those statues and don't even think about it.

How many people do.

Night

The sound of Debeck is different than 13th and Hemlock.

I don't hear the rustle of the trees, the sirens, the shuffles of drunk trendy people on their was home. The people next door fighting or people on their patios. My roommates having sex or the creeks of the apartment.

I hear silent noise. Trucks on their way to the highway entrance. Every so often the skytrain rushing past. An apple dropping into my neighbours yard. My other neighbours cat rushing across the street. Even so, my other neighbour practicing his heavy metal music.

I don't know if I like it but one things for sure, I am home.

Let me tell you a story

Back when I was in highschool.. Oh i dunno, about sixteen or seventeen I was having one of those extended bad weeks. I was fighting with my mom.. School sucked.. Fed up with my friends.. All the typical stuff that makes a teenager frusterated and sad, but none the less it is all still a problem and stressful for a girl.

Immediately after yelling back and forth with my mom and hiding in my room I decided I couldn't take it anymore and I snuck out the door. And down the flight of stairs to sit at the bottom and smoke the cigarette I stole from my mom.

I sat there. Silent and still in appearence, but buzzing and screaming and thinking a thousand things at once. Mostly helpnessness, feelings of out of control.. Basically exceptional frustration. These nights where I became overwhelmed usually frequented every few months. And every few months I would sneak out and sit still on those steps.

For some reason that night I stood up. And I walked the thirty steps out to my street and I turned and looked down my street to the busyness and the river and all the lights of the peoples homes I would never know and I let out a huge sigh. And then, for no reason at all I tilted my head back to look at the stars. The moment I looked up a huge star shot across the sky and then dissapeared. Just like that. a shooting star in the middle of the night when there was no mention of a meteor shower or anyting. I wouldn't of seen it if I was a second late or early. I wouldn't of seen it if I hadn't tilted my head back. I wouldn't of seen it if I didn't randomly walk out to my street. But I was supposed to see that star.

And that my friends is why life is beautiful. Why I don't give up. And why I believe everything happens for a reason.

Also why I love stars and have a tattoo.