sweat it out

someone very close to me told me today that she has an eating disorder. this is something that i have been aware of the whole time. for years. it just makes me realize how much i care and it hurts me to see someone so close to me in so much pain over to many things. she is so lost but she knows exactly whats going on. the smartest girl.. issues is all aspects of her life. i wish i could be more helpful to her. i think the best thing is for me to be there for her and talk to her and tell her when i think she looks beautiful. it funny because right before she told me about this i was going to say that she looks amaziing. and i kept realizing all day long how beautiful she is and she cant see it. all she sees is ugly. i relaly hope treatment will help her, and i thnk it will. it hurt me so much for us to go to dinner tonight and then i know she went to the bathroom and puked it up after. i dont know how to help. but al i know is tha i love her more than anything in the world and will be there for her. the day she breaks up with him. if she needs someone to rant to. to yell at. to talk to about her family. school. worries. insecurities. i hop eshe knows that i am ther for her no matter what and that i will always support her and not judge her and i will remain a positive crutch in her life. and her legs are broken badly if not amputated. i will always be there for her and any way she wants to communicate with me in any way she knows how. i hope she knows i am there for her. life is such a funny thing when you realize who is so alike to you and who you will be there for no matter what. LOVE YOU

cuts

i dont cut. im nothing close to cutting. i dont like the way in which you have to reveal it. like showing your naked body. you are revealed in places that you dont expose and when you do its like your on a stage in front of a million people and the only spotlight is on you. you cant see anyone because your blinded by the light. everyone can see you but their emotions are hidden. your wrist is bent back. i hate that. cause everyone has to do that to reveal it. as if they are all the same. all have the same problems.

but dont they?

eel, mr. nothing, mr. something

so since i have broken up with dew i have hooked up with two people. one of them is irrelevant hes just the guy that ginger had sex with. and he is beautiful. lets call him mirage cause thats where we partied. he was just so hot so i mean i basically had too. but the other person i hookedup with is eel. i like to call eel my

never anything but always something.

i first hungout with him last summer when we used to chat all the time on msn and we had never even hung out before we just had one class at stm together and we barely even talked in that class. hes very cute.

hes six four. tall. tanned. very good looking. cocky. in the way that he knows hes good looking and that he can get away with alot. in the way that he knows himself and knows who he is and likes the person he becomes. but really he likes to know what other people think. and he isnt as cool as he makes himself out to be. thats okay though he knows it and i know it.

anyway.

one random night last summer we decide to hang out and he picks me up in his car and we go to the gazebo and we sit there and talk and talk and talk. we talk about everyting. we talked for at least 4 hours. and i have never even hung out with this guy before. and we are so open with eachother like we just say whats on our minds i rarely hold anything back or am scared to tell him something. i just like being straight up with him. i liked that night.

we preceded to keep talking and hanging out and i dont even remember the exactness of everything buti know we started hanging out pretty often and hooking up and i started liking him and me being a young girl i wanted something and nothing ever happened. and we stopped talking again for a while. we went to knocked up when it came out and we had a really good movie date and he told me that i make him nervous and i made him laugh and i felt just so comfortable with him.

then a month or two later we started talking again and then we started hooking up again. never sex. actually really just making out because i didnt want to hook up with him majorly and then regret it like i have done with other guys in the past. this time i know he was into it too. he was also hanging out wiht some other girls too though. this guy is a player and hes hot and other girls want him. i get that. just sucks for me thats all. id belying if i didnt have any flings in between him too. so anyway.

one night at musicmans house i was there with ginger and eel and we were all drinking and me and lee jumped downstairs and we were making out and he asked me if we should take things to the next level. not sexually. relationshiply . him being th eloser that he is and i know it sounds gay but this is when facebook was getting really popular and he was like so then to you want to make it its complicated É haha an di laughed and i thought that was funny and i asked him if he actually wanted to do that and he did and that night i slept upstairs at musicmans house with him and he still didnt do anything and this was the first time we had a sleep over and hes so cute and in the morning he kissed me to wake me up and it was all just so nice.

after that i changed my status on facebook from single to nothing. i wasnt anything i just wasnt single. i dunno if that changed anything but i didnt talk to him for liek two weeks. i texted him to hangout and he just didnt reply. he got scared. i was mad. he was so rude. dont say something like that to me and then just ignore me. thats just very rude. later on i hungout with music man and i went off to him about eel and music told me that eel told him that its different with me

its different with me. that eel says tings about me to him that he doesnt say to anythign else. that eel really likes me he just doesnt know how to not be a player and be single. i almsot understand except for the fact that it hurts me cause i really liked him.

again later i realized that i will never be able to be with this guy. i realize that its always going to be just fun with him. so we start hooking up again around xmas time. this is round three now. we always end up hanging out again. this time its new years night and he says he wants me there at midnight. that doesnt happen ahah but he ends up picking up me and ginger and he sleeps at my house weve probs been hanging out for a few weeks not this time. as he is leaving in the morning we says ill call you k and i know he wont and he leaves and he doesnt call.

that was january 1st.

-january 19th i made out with dew for the first time
-feb 9th to 12th was keg cup and me and dew hooked up the whole weekend.
-febuary 19 me and dew started dating
-june 5th me and dew decided to go on a break. and it was okay at first we didnt really make any rules
-june 7th me and eel hooking up and i slept at his house. TWO days after the break. dew will never know about this
-allthrough june and into july me and dew are hanging out alot and its all up in the air. i really like dew i miss dew and i still want to be with dew. and he lieks me too alot. but this is a whoel other story and the end of it is that dew doesnt want a girlfriend and he doesnt want to be with me and he treats women badly and im sad but ill recover.
-around the end of july me and dew decide we shouldnt hook up anymore
-around the end of july i go to eels house and he asks me if he asked me out would i be his girlfriend. i say probably yes but i dont really know. he says he will drive me home in the morning and then he doesnt cause hes running late for work. typical
-august 4th eel calls me and hes drunk and i pick him up nd take him home and he tells me hes tired of the single life and he wants me to be his girl and he wants to just sleep with me and hold me and that he wants to go out wiht me. i tell him id give him a chance of course but he needs to proved himself first.
-august 5 - 7th i go camping with bby keggers and me and dew tent it and we have sex but we also talk and i finally realize everything and that i better than it and even though i want to hook up with him in the run long its much better if i dont and i honestly dont think i will anymore.

now i wait and see what eel has to say for himself. of course id give him a chance we have had history for over a year. he is going to kelowna for school in september. he wants me to visit him. i said i might. i want to hang out with him. maybe tongiht if i dont go to the concert for rhode.

so now i just wait it out

that is the story of myself and eel

time passes

So I haven`t been on here for a few months for a few reasons.

1. I bought a paper journal because I decided it was more real. I feel like I as putting more of myself into that journal.

2. I also realized that allthough I have been pretty good about hiding the names I use people could still know who I am if they read it.

but in response.
1. in my paper journal I basically only talk about Jason thats really girly and stupid. I now remember that I first got this online blog because I can type faster therfore I can share more and be more expressive rather than just saying what i think i wan to think about the way i say it too. practice all my artistry and shit
2. who cares if people read this and know who i amÉ they would never confront me about anything and an the whole im not saying anything truely mean just things that i honestly feel.

i think im going to go on here more often.



lady gaga - just dance. (i know its lame but i like the song)

I also want to try to aim to go my whole without exhaggerating something or lying about something or saying something that i dotn mean. i do it everyday and it makes me feel like i dont knwo who i am when i do and i dont knwo why i lie to make other people feel happier. it doesnt make me feel happier.

wish me luck

Business Idea

I think that when I am rich enough, or maybe just when I need to decide what I want to do with my life, I would love to help make the earth less polluted. I want to make a business in which companies, buildings, homes, anyone, hires me and my team and we evaluate how much they coudl recycle and pollute less and use reusable materials and then we help make their place better for the whole world. Lots of people would be into it I think. I wish I had a business degree so that I could get started on it right away.

We could be like I see tha30% of all ofyour garbage is recyclable material. Here we have a tri-cyclan bin for plastics, paper, and waste.. And its the exact same size as your other basket! You just reduces 66% percent of your waste, how do you feel about that?


I hope I don't forget about this one.

days daze

It has been a while. And with reason.

I have been working my buns off and its PB and Jelly combination of hatetiredness and lovemoneyfuness.

I recently arrived home from California on a trip with two besties of mine K and T and it was soo much fun. So many experiences and I have decided that I need to move to Manhattan Beach one day because honestly it is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I felt so at home. The ocean, hills, local breakfast, small shops, close to the rich and famous, sunshine, sea salt, weather, peace.

We did so much there. I almost forgot to take it all in. I spent way to much money but I dont care THAT much. I know that when I remember the trip when I am fifty I will know I had an amazing time and forget how much money I spent there. Me and the girls got along great. And even thought I felt unincluded sometimes, I understood and it's so refreshing to hang out with different people and get away from life and worry and everything. I only felt left out because I noticed that when K got excited or something it would be immediatley to T that she would say something. Or with taking pictures, it was always take one of them two unless I suggested it. But then I thought about it and if ginger was there I would want the same thing probably. And they are both doing it subconsciously never purposly.

Right now I am working three jobs and recently found out I am working 12 days in a row. That is way toooo much

gotta get back to office job right now:)