cheers

its funny how fast feelings change. one minute you hate someone and then they do something funny and instantly that rage is gone. that rage that makes you want to kick them in the balls. when your thinking i cant wait to never speak to them again. its all gone and sympathy and empathy and benevolence replaces it. that care is back. and you share a laugh. all hurt feeling are lost.

i no longer feel depressed thank god. im not back to happy. no where close. this isnt an instantaneous change. im in the grey area. deciding whether or not to care. whom to care about. why not focus on the happy things. the sunshine in a tornado of ridiculously bad news. the wink of all evil stares. that girly girl enjoying a pop-punk concert filled with 12 year olds moshing and flipping their wet lg hair all over the place.

its all just empty, like whats the point? why care when i know i wont care later on. why download all these songs when i will forget about 95 percent of them in the next 5 years. why go to sleep when i know i will still be tired the next day. what is the point. why even try and get up early so i can go to school and finish reading the story im supposed to read, when i know im going to press the snooze button until im late for my class. why wait and not go further when thats all i want to do. all i wanted to do is have sex with him, and i didn't and i am so happy that i didn't because i didn't invest all that emotion. thats contradictory. 'just do what you want and what feels right'. thats what i said before. well what if it doesnt feel right later? what if i want to do something even if i know there will be consequences.

mr red hot is back in the picture. texting chatting planning meeting rendezvous. i gout get that. again. do i want to? what about fabulous? birthday coming up. i want that kiss. i want that connection, i need it, i think about it everyday. i havent seen him in over 2 years and i think about him almost everyday. i think he does too. in the way he talks to me. i can feel it. we really do have something. i still want red hot. i knows it bad. Thank Goodness noname isnt in the picture anymore. noname because i cant even think of somehting to associate him too. its mr red hot because everytime i hear a certain red hot chili peppers song i think about that time he picked me up and we went on top of that mountain and held hands and he was scared of the dark. of that time we went and for gross pizza and then soberly kissed, and i understood that meaning expressed in novels. that weak in the knees butterflies all over, time stopping kind of kiss.. thats mr red hot. i should start hooking up with mr red hot again. the writer told me so. we will see i will make a split second most likely drunken decision

its crocodile/moth because thats how we say goodbye, and moth is what happens when you get drunk and text the person you love the most, i could write a short story about this dude. a complete chapter in my life. the type that you tell your kids about when you are older.

its ginger obv cause of the red, its the stripper name, which explains our friendship, i can go crazy with here. all those 'stories' come for adventures with this girl. yah she may be self conscious, who isnt? shes getting better.

blair my new name that me and ginger came up with. mostley because she has changed and i always speak negatively of her. i love her. i do. but i get bored. and she judges and it makes me angry. these locks will always be unique and i will never forget or lose her she will always be there

loving the fake names its mysterious but the danger is i know that if someone i knew found my secret blog they would know exactly who i am and who i am talking about. theres more secret names, and now when i new one is intro'd im going to explain why they are named so.

say goodnight and go - imogen heap